Never ignore a crying child
May 15 '00
This editorial is a response to jennyhamm's "Mad, again?", in which she asked about what to do when her 4-month-old pitches a fit. The answer is,
simply: Help her out!
I don't believe four-month-old babies can throw tantrums. I think what Jenny is describing is the normal frustrations that infants feel, so crying or "acting up" is age appropriate behavior for them. That is, they have no other way to communicate that there is something wrong, or that they need something like a clean diaper or something to drink.
My own personal experience supports the experts' recommendation: Do not ignore your children! If your 4-month-old is crying, she's trying to tell you something, and it's up to you to figure out what it is.
This is going to sound stupid, but if you've checked the diaper, tried toys, hugs, rocking, and singing, and nothing else is working, your baby may be hungry. Even if you're not breastfeeding. Babies go through growth spurts, and being hungry can make them cranky! This happened to me a couple of times with my son, where I'd be at my wit's end trying to figure out what was wrong. After a while I realized I had to add "hungry" to my list of things to check on when he was upset!
All children cry for a reason. Letting a very young baby cry it out leaves them feeling abandoned, and teaches them that it doesn't matter what they do, they won't get the help they need. Eventually they do stop crying, but by that point they have lost faith in you, they no longer believe that there is always going to be someone there for them.
Have you seen footage of the absolutely silent infants in the orphanages in Romania, with all the cribs lined up? Those babies have learned that no one is going to respond to their cries, so they have just given up. It's truly tragic, given what we now know about the importance of stimulation in the early months, especially, but continuing through the first few years.
So, as much as it may irritate you sometimes, your baby needs you. If she is crying, go to her and pick her up, try to comfort her. You will be teaching her that there is someone out there for her, that the world is not a horrible, cold, and lonely place. There is Mommy who will always try to make her feel better. We know that this can't always be true, but at this age we don't need to be introducing them to that concept. They are too young to do for themselves, so we must do for them.
I don't believe in ignoring older children, either. Tantrums, or out-of-control behavior, almost always occur because the child is tired, hungry, cold, or otherwise stressed, and then is put into a stressful situation. If you read your child's cues diligently, you can learn to prevent these situations. One of the best things to do is, if your child is demanding attention, give it to him!
If you take a five or ten minute break from whatever task is occupying you, and spend it cuddling, playing, or reading with your child, their "Mommy hunger" will be satisfied, and then you can get back to whatever it was you were doing. Unless you're working on a souffle that will fall if it's not done now, there are very few tasks that cannot be interrupted. And if you truly can't stop what you're doing, why not invite the child to watch, and do a play-by-play for her, to involve her in the process? My 18 month old daughter sometimes "helps" me do the dishes this way. It's a way to be connected without having to sacrifice getting the chores done.
The one time I do ignore tantrums is when I sense they are totally fabricated, when they are being used as tools to manipulate me into giving in on something. You rarely see this kind of tantrum in children younger than 2. They blossom sometime around 2 and a half, and last pretty much through till age 4. (Of course there will be variations from child to child.)
When I ask my 3 year old son to do something (or not to do something) and he chooses to pitch a fit instead, I force myself to remain calm and not to react, above all. In my most patient manner I ask him to explain in words what is wrong, please tell me so I can help him. Since he is only 3, sometimes these tantrums are "true" in that he's upset and doesn't know why. Other times they are completely fake -- you quickly learn the difference. "True" tantrums are easily dissolved by hugs and a snack, usually. The fake ones get him exiled to his room until he can behave... his choice about when to come down and rejoin the family.
But all in all, if your child of any age is crying, it is really important to respond to it. How you handle the crying depends on their age; as they become more adept and more verbal, you can encourage them to talk about what they want instead of just crying. Pretty much the only time I "ignored" crying was when we were working on getting them to sleep through the night. During waking hours, they need the security of your response.
This will not make them overly dependent on you. In fact, just the opposite is true: the more quickly infants' needs are attended to, the more secure they feel. You are investing in your baby's "trust bank." Over time, your prompt responses keep adding up, and your baby comes to believe she'll be all right even if you're not there for a minute.
A final suggestion: if your baby cries when you leave for a bathroom trip, try talking to her or singing to her while you're out; hearing your voice will reassure her that you haven't gone far. Eventually she will know that you're coming back, and won't get upset by your absence anymore.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
QuietI
|
|
Member: Joan Hedman
Location: Chandler, AZ
Reviews written: 89
Trusted by: 70 members
About Me:
Busy. Life. You know.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.