P.A.S.-parent alienation syndrome, a real problem in the real world
Nov 29 '00
Last night, I had visitation with my son, as I always do on Tuesdays. He's 10, an age when individuality begins to appear as the norm. My parents came in for the holidays, my father works in Saudi Arabia; this is the first time we'll have seen him in a year. The problem is that I really am trying to get my son to understand what being a family really is. To him, Tuesdays are the days that he comes over to vegetate in front of the Playstation, playing his Crash racing game. More and more I've found myself annoyed by his attitude toward my family and I. I decided yesterday that I wasn't going to allow him to camp out in front of the television, instead we were going to enjoy dinner and share a heartfelt conversation. This wasn't to happen. We sat there eating dinner, playfully prodding each other with our forks, I don't mind playing a bit. However, he held a strange glint in his eye.
Returning home to his mother, he immediately whispered something in her ear. I was heading back to my car, when her rather birdlike voice chirped out after me, "Ron, can you come back here for a moment?" Through the years, I've grown to hate her voice, usually it means come here I want my family and I to chew you out. She lives with her parents and is content to bring them to the door to oversee the whole scenario develop. I decided early not to enter their premises, to do that would be to leave me vulnerable and uneasy. She left the door open, wedging herself between the door and her household. I got back to the porch where she proceeded to question me further. There in the doorway, her mother and father had stripped my son's shirt off checking him for marks. She said, "Allan says you stabbed him with your fork."
I replied in my nonchalant way, "we were playing."
"That's child abuse."
"Oh whatever, it was play. Since when have I ever hurt our child and if you think I'd do anything to hurt him then you're a fool," I bit my lip because I knew I'd said too much with Allan too close to the action. That's a problem that we've had over the years, instead of confronting me herself she makes sure that Allan is right there to see the whole thing.
This ticked me off so I turned and started to walk away, when she shot off another stupid comment, which really irritated me. I went to slam the door behind me, forgetting my ex was standing there blocking the door.
"Don't you hit me," she squawked.
"I didn't touch you, you're standing between the door and your house, it's your own fault you got nailed by the door," and walked away.
I was up in arms, when her mother and father started screaming out at me,"you're a loser," all I could do was watch Allan smile in the background.
This is a prime example of a child suffering P.A.S., here's a kid that feels he must absolutely call his mother every time he comes over to my house, whether it be on Tuesday or every other weekend. He actually gave me an Easter card that said, "Thanks for being a jerk to me,yours Allan." What's that? Yours Allan? My son never says I love you to any of our family, including his little sister and has even called his grandmother, my mother, a b...h. I told him, "that's the last time I want to hear that, it's disrespectful to me and it's disrespectful to my family. That's like me telling you your mother is one, you wouldn't like that would you?"
He just looked away and changed the subject, refusing to answer the question. The problem with P.A.S. is that it shows itself in many faces. One is that they're hostile and disrespectful to one family, they're afraid for their other family, and are seemingly uptight and nervous.
Two, they may be aggressive and individualistic, meaning they like to keep to themselves.
Three, they change the subject when asked about school, or any other event going on in their lives. Then they question you why you care.
Four, they refuse to listen to you, especially when you ask them to do anything.
Five, they feel the need to constantly call at the oddest of times.
So what do you do about that? If you notice them displaying these sort of behaviors toward you, you need to take them to a professional. The child psychologist will either confirm your suspicions or tell you you're overreacting. Either way, it hurts neither of you. If you're suspicions are confirmed you need to get a hold of an attorney, if you don't have one already. Unfortunately, the therapy isn't as forgiving to the parents guilty of this type of abuse. P.A.S. is child abuse and should be dealt with accordingly. The therapy will depend on just how bad the P.A.S. is within the child, in severe cases it calls for complete separation from the alienating parent.
How does P.A.S. effect the child in the future? The scary truth is that if you have your child treated, you literally may be saving his life. For more information on P.A.S., you can read about it on www.familycourts.com/pas.htm. Please care enough about your child to keep informed.
Thanks for reading.
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Member: Ron
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