LovdbyGod7s Funny Write-Off
Jul 18 '00
Ladies and Gentlemen, monkeys and pandas, welcome to LovdbyGod7’s Funny Write-Off. Most write-offs aren’t designed to be competitions, but this one is. We will decide once and for all who is the funniest: marvienhill (with an “E”), that-guy (the devil in disguise), or, humbly, myself. As the host, I chose the subject to be our most interesting employment experience. Please note that everything in this review really happened, only the names have been changed. To protect the criminals.
This review is written to convey in a humorous way a behind-the-scenes look into a teenager’s first full-time job. Its intent is humor. I ask you to accept it as on-topic for two reasons. First, a teen’s first full-time job is important to the development of him/her, and secondly, humor has a prominent place in raising a family. If you can’t laugh about your “childhood,” what can you laugh about? If you were expecting a serious, dull approach to the subject, you have, in fact, come to the wrong place. But for those two reasons: the importance of a full-time job and of humor in a teen’s development, I feel this review is on-topic.
I know that some people will still feel this to be off-topic, and I’ll lose a few readers and a few trusters. I feel, however, that I would lose a far greater portion of self-respect if I simply scrapped the funniest thing I’ve ever written. One of my non-Epinions friends said I must have been on some really good drugs when I wrote this. Not so! These events really happened.
Now sit back and get ready for the ride.
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Insert hazy dream lines.
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The Review
Up until last week I worked in a warehouse stuffing brochures. That’s right, open the three-paneled brochure, stuff a folded sheet of paper behind the flap in the center panel, then fold it back up. Rubber band them in bundles of fifty. I averaged about 3000 brochures a day. When you’re about to die from boredom and monotony, you strike up some most interesting conversations with those near you. On one side of me sat the loved basset-hound monkey faced Marvienhill, and on the other, the ever-great that-guy. I knew, from the first day, that it’d be a long, long few weeks. 4.5 million brochures to stuff. Dear goodness.
I really knew that we were in a world of hurt when Marvien pulled out his cell phone and punched in a number. A minute later he was saying “Now Trixie, Trixie, slow down dear.” I wrinkled my brow and glanced at that-guy. He rolled his eyes and was about to explain Marvien’s relationship with the person on the other end of the phone when Marvien slammed down the phone and cried: “I wish that <expletive deleted> phone sex operator didn’t stutter—she wastes my money!” I turned, bug-eyed and appalled that Marvien was such a chauvinist pig.
“Oh shut up Bible-dude” he said.
Coming from someone who has a squad of dangerous monkeys at his beck and call out in the Van of Love, I decided to get back to work. That-guy was shooting rubber bands at the young ladies sitting about ten feet away. He said women like that kind of thing. I just smiled and nodded.
I began to talk to that-guy about my love life.
“You see, there’s this girl named _____ that I met one day and befriended…”
“Is this going to be a long story?” that-guy asked.
“Yes.”
<that-guy reaches over and steals the banana out of marvien’s hand> “Proceed.”
Three hours later that-guy was shouting “Kiss her, kiss her.”
Marvien kept saying “No, you shouldn’t date her. She might be a guy in disguise (Marvien has serious women problems).”
“Man, stop peeing on his parade. He’d know if she was a guy—it’s not that hard to tell, just because you made that mistake once doesn’t mean he’s as stupid as you” says that-guy.
“I think she’s really a guy. After all, beautiful young ladies with money don’t just hang around people like him. Yep, don’t you know about these stalkers and date-rapists?”
“You’re an idiot. You and your Van of Love—you don’t even know what you are talking about.”
And so the day droned on and the argument increased in pitch and volume. I kept rubbing my fingers in tacky finger and folding brochures. Hopefully the supervisor won’t see this fracas. I finished another box and pushed it onto the floor. The guy walking the middle (he keeps us resupplied) slipped on it and cursed.
“What are you gentlemen (except the exact word wasn’t ‘gentlemen’) talking about?” asked Dave.
Marvienhill began ranting about guys in drag while that-guy explained. “Yep, kiss her” said Dave, in not so many words.
At this point the whistle blew and it was time to go home. I picked up my tacky-finger and ran out the door as fast as I could to get away from these two folks.
The next day I came and we got talking about most embarrassing moments, like when one of Marvien’s monkeys walked in on him in the shower. You don’t want to know about that-guy. Anyway, I focused on folding brochures and listening to my Walkman. The whole day a panda kept going and turning the fan onto that-guy, and then a monkey would turn it back to marvienhill. They finally got into a fray and the fan ended up blowing directly on me. I was quite pleased.
I escaped and ate lunch with a dear friend named Kelly, who proceeded to give me advice about my dating situation as well. Actually, it wasn’t advice I needed, just a friend to talk to. She gave me advice anyway. That-guy accused her of relieving herself on my parade as well.
Serious Aspect, Part I
Even though all these stories did actually happen, I continued to stuff the same number of brochures, 3000, everyday. All during these conversations—even talking on the phone—one hand was always stuffing brochures. Sure, we were “monkeying around” (at Burger King that would be “kinging around,” by the way), but what’s more, we were doing our job. I feel that I learned a good deal of responsibility from this first job. I learned that, sometimes, you can have your cake and eat it to (make money and still have fun).
Back to My Job
That afternoon Marvien suddenly pointed up to skid number 45, sitting about twenty feet high in the air on shelves. He stood up and said “Don’t you look at me like that you <expletive deleted>. Stop giving me the finger!”
“Who are you talking to?” I asked.
“That %@!$ purple leprechaun up there.”
“Where?” I asked.
“Up there you idiot. Don’t you dare moon me! I’ll come up there and kick your sorry butt into next week.”
He then began stuffing brochures again. I would periodically ask him how our dear purple friend was. Suddenly he picked up his cell phone and said “Don’t you be calling me on this number. It costs me money. And don’t you look at me like that. I don’t care how many friends you have, I got some myself <points to that-guy and assorted monkeys running around>. That’s right, you better be scared. Don’t give me that look. Shut your mouth.”
The rest of the day was most interesting. But the next morning was great.
Immediately Marvienhill popped into work, saying “I think the purple guy up there is a homosexual.”
<Please note that at this point the young ladies sitting across from us asked who we were talking to and why we were looking up in the air. That-guy said we were just being myseterious. He said women love that kind of thing.>
“You have a problem with homosexuals?” that-guy asked.
“No, I just think he may be dealing with some issues, that’s all.”
“He’s not gay, but I think he may be a member of some hate groups.” Said that-guy
“Like what?”
“The KKK and the Black Panthers.” Says that-guy
“Sort of cancels himself out doesn’t he?” I asked.
“Yeah, no one said he was particularly intelligent.”
Serious Aspect, Part II
Yes, we did have fun. Unfortunately there wasn’t always a dialogue going on. Even more unfortunately I don’t remember it all. But this job did teach me that, despite boredom, when you accept a job you stick with it. No, I didn’t really enjoy stuffing brochures, but I stuck with it because of a sense of responsibility. The money was nice, too. Speaking of which, I also learned a great deal about how to budget and save (I was able to save probably 75%). I think this financial knowledge will do me well in an age where people run up $40,000 credit lines.
Back to My Job
I brought in my cell phone and my Walkman. Everyday the Oldies station I listen to has something called “Survey Says” which is a sort of Family Feud. They accept three callers and the one who can give the most common answer to a particular question wins the prize. I called in and was Caller number 1. That means I guess first. I was put on hold. I casually mentioned to Kelly that I was about to be on the radio. That-guy overheard and went to the stereo that the other 30 people were listening to and changed the station—just in time to hear the DJ ask me “And Dave, you are a man, right? (My voice isn’t as deep as most guys’).?”
“Yes, I am”
“Strange show this morning. So Dave, what would you do out at the lake with a brand new boat?”
“Fish”
He asked the other two contestants. The most popular answer was water ski. I was sad and dejected.
And suddenly says marvien:
“Hey, I think I’m going to Europe. I think I’ll go in a week. Do they have bananas in Europe? How much would it cost to have the Van of Love transported over there? Would Barbie come with me? I sure hope they have bananas since I’ll have to feed my monkeys. They need Marvien’s wisdom in Europe. Hey that’s Europe with an ‘E’!”
“Please leave, just flee the country and never come back. I’ll pay” said that-guy.
I picked up Marvien’s phone and called the leprechaun. I handed the phone to that-guy, who immediately began insulting the purple dude. I started shooting rubber bands at him. Hit ‘em too. I’m a good shot. I told him I’d send some parrots after him if he kept giving us those obscene gestures. Marvien added his monkeys and that-guy his pandas, so that before long we had a running zoo threat going on. I think that settled the purple man right down.
The Last Serious Aspect
In the end, the company I worked for decided to fire or “end” a number of people. I was one of them (remember, we were temps, so no reason is necessary). They said I was goofing off. Was I? Sure, we all were. But I was doing my work while goofing off. Sometimes you can’t just fire your most productive people because you don’t like the way that they get things done. Later that week, the son of one of the ladies who works at the temp agency was ended because of an “attitude problem.” An attitude problem that her friends at this warehouse (unfortunately not the ones in charge) said doesn’t exist. Due to the large number of people ended, the temp agency is now discussing the matter with their client. Hopefully in the future temps will have a little more job security. So the last thing I was taught is this: even if you do a fabulous job, if your means are the slightest bit questionable, or even if they aren’t, somebody can always pull the rug out from under you. But someone is always there to catch you, too.
***
On what would turn out to be my last day, Marvien came in and said that he was sorry, the leprechaun was just a hoax. He was leaving for Europe—big “E” land—in disgrace after having lost this humorous write-off to lovdbyGod7. After having been crushed. Thrown in the dirt. Walked on. Trampled.
That-guy said he was leaving Epinions. He couldn’t stand being unseated as King of Comedy. He said that Robin the Hood had asked him to accept a position as one of his full-time Married Men (I mean Merry Men since that-guy’s choice of persons to marry is forbidden by law in 49 states). It would be his duty to liberate all the hamburgs and pokemon toys in all Burger Kings everywhere. Marvien said he would also give that-guy his long-coveted job of releasing two flies into every Burger King in the country.
That’s when a monkey and panda leapt onto me and awoke me from my dream.
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Epinions.com ID:
lovdbyGod7
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Member: David Dinkins
Location: Rolla, Missouri
Reviews written: 139
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