Do you believe me Mommy??
Oct 26 '00 (Updated Oct 18 '01)
The Bottom Line I could not possibly reduce this epinion to under 30 words.
As a child I was physically and sexually abused by my older half-brother. He is 9 years older than me, and although (fortunately) he didn’t live with my family, he did (unfortunately) babysit me and my younger brother. The abuse started when I was four years old and continued until I was eight. I will not go into details, suffice it to say that it was dreadfully traumatic for me, and I live with the emotional scars to this day. But the scars that I suffered from this experience have indeed slowly started to fade, with a lot of hard work and a lot of help from friends, professionals, and my dear husband. However, the devastation that I suffered when I finally exposed the abuser has never really diminished.
It slowly became clear to me over the years the abuse was occurring that this was not what was happening in “other people’s” houses. So when my best friend’s mother heard me asking her daughter about what was “normal”, and if my “brother’s” behaviour was normal, she informed my mother and father. And this is when the deepest cut occurred to my self-esteem. My father didn’t care (of course he didn’t, he was drunk all the time), and my mother told me, and I quote, “It’s not true, you’re making it up.” If you’re taking notes on this, put BIG RED STARS around this one...NEVER tell your child you don’t believe them when they tell you something like this is occurring!!! Even if you believe it isn’t true, do not tell them this!
Although after the accusation was made my brother was no longer allowed to babysit us, it was made very clear to me by my mother that she did NOT believe me, and that she never would. This was probably the defining moment of my relationship with my mother. Before this happened I believed that my mother loved me very much….afterwards I felt unloved, abandoned, and betrayed. Those feelings have never left me. I have been able to work out a lot of those feelings of betrayal and abandonment. The greatest damage I suffered from her refusal to believe me was the overwhelming feeling of self-doubt.
As a result of her refusal to believe me, I started to doubt myself, and to doubt that what I knew happened had actually occurred. This has followed me all of my life. No matter what the situation has been I have always felt that people don’t believe what I’m saying, that they think I’m “making it up as I go along”. I know what the truth is, but that doesn’t mean that others believe me. At least that’s what’s in my head. I stayed in an abusive marriage for ten years because I didn’t think anyone would believe me if I told them what was going on. I accepted abuse and harassment in the work place because I was sure no one would believe my side of the story. After all, why would these people believe me when my own mother wouldn’t believe me? In fact, quite often I didn’t believe myself when these incidents would occur. In my mind I wondered if perhaps I was just making them up.
I have gotten a lot better over the years. I am able to trust myself with my decisions regarding my children, most of the time anyway. I still do need a “second opinion” sometimes, and I will call on friends and professionals for “validation” when I really need it. I know that I am not just “making things up as I go along”, that I am an honest person, and that many people do indeed value my opinion. But even so, over thirty years later, my mother’s words are still with me. And on bad days they echo in my mind, and I wonder if I ever will get over the damage that was done to me with those few ill-chosen, unloving words.
I hope and pray that no one reading this ever needs the following information, but I feel it is important that you know the proper things to say and the proper reactions so that you are prepared should your child ever disclose abuse to you.
The following information was obtained from http://www.casat.on.ca/. This website is amazingly informative and helpful. If you or someone you know has had or is currently going through this horrific ordeal I highly recommend that you check out this site!
What you should say:
1) Tell your child that you believe him/her and thank him/her for trusting you enough to tell you anything about the abuse.
2) Tell your child that you are proud of him/her for telling you his/her secret.
3) Let the child know that he/she can come to you at any time if he/she wants to discuss anything else with you.
4) Tell your child that you will always do whatever you can to protect and take care of him/her to the best of your ability.
5) Tell your child that he/she does not have to worry about you - tell him/her that it's your job to look after him.
6) You can tell your child that you are upset, but make sure you tell him/her that you are not upset with him/her, but with the person who did this to him/her.
7) Tell your child that you will always be there for him/her.
Please Note: Some of you may believe that the abuse has happened, even though others, even professionals, may doubt it. (I’ve been there, it happens! But that’s a whole other epinion.) Some of you may also believe that the abuse has not happened, and may even have evidence to support your belief. Remember, your role is to support your child, no matter what! Let them know that you care about them. Do not try to have the child change his/her story to support what you believe. This only confuses the situation, and will make things more difficult for your child. Remain open to what your child has to say, no matter what your thoughts and feelings are. Do not overwhelm your child with your emotions. Stay calm and in control of your feelings. I realize this will be difficult, but your feelings aren’t what’s important at this moment. Your child’s emotional well-being and self-esteem is the key issue!
This was a difficult opinion for me to write, but if in writing it I help even one child, then it is well worth it. Please be good to each other.
NOTE: I was unsure of where this opinion should be placed. I decided that since it dealt mainly with the topic of preserving a child’s self-esteem after disclosing abuse that I would put it in Children and Self- Esteem. If you do not feel that this is the right category then please leave a comment for me.
Update: Recently my mother "off-handedly" admitted to me that, yes, she did believe me now. It was a half-hearted attempt to make me feel better, but it was better than nothing, I suppose. And I do have to admit, it must be very difficult for a mother to admit that her own son could do such a horrible thing. But even more than that, it must be very difficult for a mother to accept that she failed her own daughter so miserably. We all make choices, and her choice was one that not only she, but I as well, have to live with all of our lives.
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Member: Beverley
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