Mom, Dad, why didn't you warn me?
Jan 08 '01
There are so many things I wish my parents would have warned me about when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong, my parents did a wonderful job raising me & my brother, but when we finally went out into the real world we were totally unprepared. One thing in particular I wish I had known about was domestic violence. Unfortunately I had to find out the hard way.
When I was 19 I was anxious to get out on my own and be my own person. I met a man who was fun to be with, showered me with gifts, and lifted my low self esteem. I had no clue what he was setting me up for. He asked me to marry him after 8 months of dating and of course I said yes. About 2 weeks before we were married we got into an argument and he slapped me twice across the face. I couldn't believe it happened. Immediately he apologized and even had tears in his eyes as he said promised it would never happen again. I believed him. Little did I know I was on my way to 4 years of controlling and physical abuse.
Shortly after we married we moved into a small apartment and he told me I could quit my job and he would take care of me. He bought all new furniture for the apartment and took me clothes shopping and picked out beautiful clothes for me to wear. He told me how beautiful I looked. He also told me how smart I was and that I was too good for my friends. They were dragging me down. He was slowly isolating me. He also explained to me how he liked his dinner cooked, and his house kept clean. I'm thinking no problem, look at all he's done for me. He was slowly getting me under his control.
The beatings started about 2 months after we were married. I learned during this time the more I fought back the worse the beating was. He told me if I left him he would kill me or someone in my family. He said no one would ever love me but him, and constantly made me feel worthless. He monitored my phone calls and my mail.
My ex-husband drank considerably. The more he drank the more I got beat. He would take me to bars with him in the clothes he ordered me to wear and have me bare my breasts for all the guys in the bar. It was completely humiliating. He had complete control over my mind. After about a year or so of marriage we moved into a house. He was very happy with our new surroundings and for about 4 months he never hit me. He was extremely caring, loving, and gentle and I started wondering if I was imagining his bad behavior. But the worst was yet to come.
He worked for a company(We lived in Arizona) that made iron bars to be mounted on outside house windows. He started putting bars on our windows explaining to me he wanted me safe. He also put new locks on the inside and outside of the doors. I was completely blind to what he was doing. After he finished his projects the beatings started again. He came home stinkin drunk one night and took our iron and smashed it upside my face and broke my cheekbone, he also broke my jaw and cracked 3 of my ribs. He then pulled out a set of handcuffs and handcuffed me to a large pipe we had in our kitchen. Then he left. He didn't return for 3 days. This was to be my life for the next 2-1/2 years. He didn't handcuff me much after that since I had no way of getting out of our house. He would let me out every 2 weeks to call my parents(we didn't have a phone) so they wouldn't get suspicious.(They lived in Iowa and he would listen to every word I said.) Then back to the house I went.
He started bringing home women at night and kicking me out of bed so he could have it with his girl. He completely used me. Over that 4 year period he broke my jaw 3 times, broke both my arms and my wrists, stabbed me in the back, arm, and legs, fractured my skull, broke my cheekbones several times, cracked my knee cap, and broke my ribs so many times I lost count. He also loved kidney punches. I finally escaped(rather dramatically) and made my way back to Iowa.
Parents PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, warn your child about domestic violence. If I had known about this maybe it wouldn't have happened. I have listed some warning signs of abusers below. If you have a child going off to college or just beginning to date, particularly your daughters, have them read this or ANYTHING concerning domestic abuse. It has been 16 years since I escaped but the memories, the scars, and the psychological damage are there forever.
*A new statistic that I just read about which was rather frightening was that almost every woman who has been killed by their abuser was strangled during the abusive relationship.* Oddly enough my ex-husband never strangled me.
Not all abusers are both kinds--Controlling and physical.
A controlling abuser displays these characteristics
He likes to see you in certain clothing
Tell you over & over (at the beginning) how beautiful your are.
Tells you how much smarter you are than your friends. Slowly isolates you from them.
Sex can get rough.
Slowly takes over aspects of your life, like who you can see, when & if you can go out, monitors your phone calls and mail.
Tells you that you owe him for everything he's done for you.
These men are extremely good at what they do. They know just how to control you and play on your self-esteem. They play mind games with you and trick you into believing they own you.
A physical abuser:
Is jealous of anything good you do.
Starts out by grabbing your arm too hard or speaking in a harsh or demeaning manner toward you.
Slaps or hits you then is extremely apologetic afterwards, even to the point of crying--swears it will never happen again. IT WILL!!
Performs degrading or disturbing sex acts.
Beatings WILL increase in intensity and frequency.
Plays on your self esteem. These men look for women with poor self esteems and then makes you think you are the lowest form on earth and that you deserve the beatings.
So many people say why didn't you leave. These people KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING they make you believe they will kill you or someone in your family and you become terrified to leave. If you know someone in an abusive relationship help them any way you can. There are so many shelters and support groups to help victims today. Back when this happened to me, people were unaware of this or ignored it all together. Do your kids a favor and warn them of this violence.
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Member: Kathi L
Location: Ohio
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I'm slowly trying to work my way back. I'll start rating again pretty soon :)
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