Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak
May 11 '00
Or, Respect is the key to a successful marriage. Actually, respect is the key to any successful relationship, but it's especially important in our relationships with the people who share our lives and homes: spouses, and children. But let's just talk about spouses here, specifically, husbands.
Traditionally, we hear a lot about husbands failing to appreciate their wives, discounting the importance or the difficulty of all the little (or major) things they do to keep the house and the family running smoothly. I'm not going to deny that that happens, because I know it does, I've even experienced it. I'm not going to defend husbands who treat their wives like some weird combination of housemaid, nanny, and call girl (you know, sex-on-demand), because I think guys like that are despicable and no self-respecting woman should ever marry one. What I am going to talk about here is the lack of respect that wives show their husbands, why they do it, and how they can stop!
Now, who am I to be talking about how badly wives treat their husbands? I'm a wife. But not just an ordinary wife! This is my second marriage. In between my first and current marriages, I was engaged to be married. My then-fiance, in a fit of blinding and painful honesty, realized he just couldn't live with me, and he dumped me. For which I will be eternally grateful, because if I had married him, I would never have learned all the vital, life-altering relationship skills that I learned from my current husband.
You see, I finally figured out that, after hearing the same complaint from partners in several different relationships, that *gasp* It must be me! It couldn't just be coincidence, could it? Was I just picking loser guys to date or marry? Yeah, I admit, there were a couple of losers in there, but generally, no. These were men with successful careers, a reasonable relationship history, in good health and with no substance abuse problems or even financial difficulties. So, when every one of them complained the same way about me, I had to sit myself down and think things out. What was the common complaint?
They all said I made them feel stupid.
No, they weren't talking about my MIT degree or my mile-a-minute speech habits, or even the fact that I have an opinion about everything. (Of course now I have an Epinion about everything, too!) So, what were they talking about? See if you recognize yourself in any of these delightful little habits:
* Giving specific, detailed directions even though the person I was talking to already knew how to do whatever it was I was describing. For example, I once explained to my husband, who lived on his own for something like 9 years before he met me, how to slice a tomato. I've also told him the "correct" way to open diaper packages, and how to cycle through the baby food jars in the pantry. Now, it's perfectly OK when I explain to my three-year-old son how to make toast, but I shouldn't be doing that kind of thing to adults. It's supremely insulting: of course my husband knows how to slice tomatoes! He makes the best tomato sandwiches, ever. The message he, and all my former flames, kept getting from me was: "You are incompetent." This was the control freak rearing its ugly head, because who really cares about how the diaper package gets opened? And as long as the baby is eating, does it really matter if she gets peaches two meals in a row? Not only did I care about this stuff, I was so completely lacking in respect for my significant others that I didn't even stop to consider whether or not they might care, too. I just assumed that I was right, my opinion was more important, and it was equally important that I let them know about it. Live and learn.
* Making a harsh comment or asking a condescending question when someone did something in a way I wouldn't ordinarily do it. I once commented, "Hmmmph. I'm not impressed," when my husband came back from Home Depot with a blower to help out with the yard work. I hate those things, but I'm not the one doing the yard work, so why did I even open my mouth? Get a clue, woman! Again, this is an example of control running amok... there I was, weighing in unfairly on issues that had nothing to do with me.
* Telling my husband how to parent. If my dear husband could magically obtain video of me doing all the things I've told him not to do with the kids, I'm sure it would go a long way towards erasing my guilt over this one. You see, not only did I make him feel stupid, I often made him feel like he was a bad parent. Here's a short list of things I've told him, none of which are particularly bad (I still stand by most of them, in fact) but all of which were presented as edicts, handed down by me: don't say just "No", say "No (whatever)" and give a reason; don't yell at the kids; don't get them all wound up right before bed; don't threaten something if you won't follow through... You get the idea. This is all pretty much standard parenting advice. I spend a lot of time discussing and reading up on parenting issues (I believe my son may be "spirited"), so I considered myself an expert... and who better to pass the laws than the expert? There are ways to discuss these issues. Namely, when the children are not present and when tempers are calm, but that was not how I presented them. In fact, they weren't ideas to be discussed at all, they were Rules. I was often asked for the Book, as in "Can't you just write down everything I'm supposed to do, and not supposed to do, so I can have it to refer to?" I eventually realized he was only half-joking.
The common thread underlying all control-freakish behavior directed towards other is disrespect. When you dictate how others should behave, you are saying that they are incapable of deciding for themselves what their behavior should be.
There is another, related problem, though, and that is general thoughtlessness. Speaking without thinking. We all do this to varying degrees, and of course more often when we are feeling stressed or unwell or otherwise unsettled. Unfortunately, the target of this thoughtless speech is usually your spouse, since they are the "safest." That doesn't make it any better. You should give the most attention and care to the people you spend the most time with: your family. Yes, we all need everyone to cut us some slack every now and then, but it shouldn't be a constant requirement in a marriage. Eventually even the most patient spouse is going to get sick of it, and then what? Well, in my case, my husband would take so much garbage from me before he'd vent, and I, in my supremely clueless state, would be wondering why he exploded over such a little thing?
It wasn't one little thing, it was dozens of little things. Individually, they weren't worth mentioning, but the accumulation got to be too much for him. I'm a big advocate of addressing problems as soon as possible after they are identified, but I eventually came to see my husband's point here. When I nagged him about something (and nagging is disrespectful, too, in that it assumes the nag-ee is incompetent or lazy about doing whatever it is you are nagging about), he would just sigh or probably even just tune me out, because it really wasn't that big a deal, certainly not worth having an entire discussion about. But when that same scenario of disrespect or thoughtlessness played out dozens of times over a few months, well, you can see how he came to the breaking point.
I'd like to mention one last thing, which, fortunately I learned about a long time ago, but I still see friends doing: Don't speak negatively about your husband in company, whether or not your husband is there. I'm not talking about a girl-to-girl heart-to-heart, I'm talking about the cocktail party, or the dinner party, or even the playgroup. It's supremely embarrassing to be dressed down in front of company, and it's incredibly rude to deprecate someone who isn't present. I've heard so many women say, "What's he so upset about? I was just joking!" Well, no, you weren't joking about his snoring or his digestive difficulties or whatever other dirty laundry you just aired. You may have tossed it off, laughing, but then what you were doing was making him the butt of the joke. No one likes being laughed at.
Some final advice: If you want to be a control freak in your own personal space, that's one thing, and it's OK. If you become a parent that will soon change, since you won't have the luxury of time on your hands for doing things like sorting your sock drawer. You also quickly realize you can not impose your control over newborn infants, no matter what you might fervently wish. In just the same way, you should realize that you can't, and shouldn't want to, exert control over your spouse. After all, you found this person admirable enough to marry. Why should he need you to do all his thinking for him now? Extend to him the respect that every person deserves, and appreciate him for his unique competencies and the love he holds for you.
I found I could change willingly, or Life would change me, regardless. It has been a much smoother ride since I decided to pay attention and finally learn the lessons that my Life kept presenting me.
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Member: Joan Hedman
Location: Chandler, AZ
Reviews written: 89
Trusted by: 70 members
About Me:
Busy. Life. You know.
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