Adopted and Happy for it!
May 25 '00
Adoption is such a common thing now that its becoming easier and easier for adopted children to deal with. I was adopted with my brother at the age of 1 (he was 1 and 10 months). Ever since we were that age we knew we were adopted. I'm not really sure at what age it really clicked and I knew what that meant, but I knew from that age that I came from a foster home and I had other parents before my adoptive parents.
That is what works best for kids. Honesty is always the key. When you are always completely honest with your children with day one they will trust you, feel more secure, and be more ready to confide in you.
When your children are young, they will probably ask you a lot of questions about their birthparents, their foster home, and what adoption means. Explain it to them even if you're worried about hurting them. Even if their birthparents abused them, say something like "Your birthparents didn't know how to take care of children and the foster home thought it would be better if they found some parents who knew how." Later on in their childhood when they can understand better, you can explain that it was a bad situation, etc.
Be willing to talk with your child about it. The open you are, the better they'll feel about it. Be supportive. If they have issues about adoption take them to a counselor specifically for that or let them talk to some adult friends you have that were also adopted. Having somebody older to talk about adoption with or to be able to relate to is very important at that age.
As they get older, they will get more and more curious about their birthparents. You should explain to them adoption laws and get them information about finding their birthparents. Be extremely supportive here and open here. It's very important that your child know that you are backing them and there for them. It is a very tender issue, as they are curious to know who their birthparents are and at the same time they don't wnat to hurt you, the adoptive parents.
Explain to them how you feel about the situation, be honest, but be encouraging. In Vermont, we can find our birthparents at 18 years old. My brother and I waited until now, I am 20 and he is 21, and we've only decided to get background information so far.
Our parents were encouraging but when I wanted to find our birthparents at the age of 18, they told me - that's fine, but we think you should wait a year or two and make sure your life is more stable. They supported me , but gave me their honest opinion, which was great and I did wait.
Now my parents haven't seen or taken much interest in seeing the information about my birthparents. This to me seems like they don't want to know, but I want to share it with them. Don't do this. Be encouraging, want to share this experience with your child. Understand that what we feel for you as adoptive parents cannot ever compare to what we feel for our birthparents (as we don't know them and never could quite as well as we know and love you) and it is a completely separate feeling that could never replace the other. So stop worrying that your role is threatened and be interested because as anything else in our lives we want to share with you!
So, the bottom line is be honest, open, encouraging, and supportive with your children and everything should go smoothly. Good Luck!
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Maja
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