If Your Kid Is Being Tormented at School--Read This (updated 5-3-05)
Sep 19 '00 (Updated May 03 '05)
The Bottom Line Being bullied by peers can leave serious emotional scars and destroy a child's self-image. If your kid is being harassed in school, get to the bottom of it now!
If Your Kid Is Being Tormented At School,Read This
I have been wanting to write this opinion for months, and I've finally gotten the nerve up to write it. Even though I have no children, I had a lot of firsthand experience regarding this subject. Because my peers considered me "weird" and "effeminate," I was the target of a great deal of verbal abuse during my junior-high years, as well as in high school.
I am writing this because some of the worst bullying occurred 30 years ago, in eighth grade. "How does he remember all this stuff--and the date as well?" you may ask. I remember because I have this unusual ability called "photographic memory." I can recall dates, songs, local weather conditions, and various other topics. However, all my abilities mattered little to my peer group--or to my teacher, a 25-year-old woman named Ms. Heaton who liked many of these kids while giving me little encouragement. While this taunting was going on, this teacher sat on her toosh while my tormentors got bolder and bolder.Gym class was especially torturous--I was always glad to see the end of Phys. Ed. because I was incredibly incompetent.
I received this harassment in a Catholic school, from kids who had known each other for years before I met them (I had transferred from a public school after sixth grade because my parents feared even worse harassment at the public junior high). These boys all came from well-respected families-- people who were considered pillars of the parish.
These guys--all of them altar boys and all of them were the following:
--Tom (my first major tormentor in 7th grade--I can recall a female classmate emphatically calling a JERK one day during gym class)
--Dave (the scoutmaster's son and a football jock in high school--he was especially sadistic yet sanctimonious--one November day in 1975 he had tormented me for so long that my sister (also in my class) slugged him in the face. We still talk about that incident from time to time.
--Bill (a follower who liked to mock my laugh--only harassed me when other kids were--more of a second-tier bully)
--Scott (who called me a nerd on the altar on Ash Wednesday 1976, with the Communion host still in his mouth. This is one of the main reasons I have felt alienated from every Catholic church ever since--I feel unworthy of receiving Communion. If someone can call me a nerd with a Communion host still in his mouth, it must be a sign that God has looked upon me with disfavor and my chances of heaven are small. Is he sorry for this action? Probably not--he probably didn't even remember doing this in 1977, let alone 2001!)
--Bob (a good-looking yet materialistic guy who was a good friend of Dave's and who got his kicks from bullying. He was suspended from school for hassling me on the playground, along with two other guys, in March 1976).
--Steven (who assaulted me in the lavatory on Flag Day, 1976 and turned suddenly repentant when he realized that I had been injured. He was a sly, calculating individual who could be very kind when he wanted something. However, he zapped you when your guard was down! Steven was probably my most sadistic, virulent, obnoxious classmate and maybe the biggest creep I've ever known).
--Greg (a guy who was full of it--he and Scott would taunt me for an hour at a time. Greg had the gall to try to ask me for answers for homework problems without doing the work himself. One day I was becoming increasingly upset, but our teacher refused to put an end to the incident. In fact, she blamed me for it, saying flippantly, "ROBERT, what's your problem?!" This teacher apparently despised me and couldn't care less about the psychic harm my classmates caused me. Ms. Heaton only cared about the athletes and the cheerleaders--or so it seemed. This teacher apparently disliked herself as well.
Here's some sample remarks from these wonderful Catholic school boys:
You know what you are--DUMB! (Steven, December 1974, after I had made an error during a school Christmas play rehearsal)
"You've got !@#$ personality" (sung to the tune of Lloyd Price's 1959 frat-rock song, "Personality" at a school picnic in June 1975).
I hope you go to (the other school) and get beet (sic) up. Your enemy, Scott (written at the end of 7th grade)
"I hate this kid SO MUCH" (Steven, September 1975)
"He had a birthday party this summer, and everyone was invited--but you!" (Bob, September 1975)
"Do you ever get the feeling that you're the most hated kid in the school? Well you are!" (said by Dave in September 1975, apparently going for a merit badge in sadism)
"Everybody voted for you for class F**" (Bob, December 1975)
"Captain Fa*tastic and the brown-dirt underwear" (Scott, 1975)
"You are nothing but a f**. A f** is a sissy, and a sissy is a boy who acts like a girl. Why don't you wear a dress to school tomorrow?! (Steven, one Friday in February 1976--that evening he punched me out at a basketball game).
"Hi, Nerd! (Scott, on the church altar right after receiving Communion in March 1976)
"I am NOT your friend. You are nothing but a fa*." (Steven, June 1976). Steve and I went to the boy's lavatory the following Monday, and he punched me in the stomach. When he realized he had injured me, he became very repentant and was friendly to me the last week of school. He reverted to his obnoxious ways for a time in 9th grade, before fading into obscurity the following year.
"Rob's a girl, Rob's a girl! (Many, December 1975)
I have decided to mention my tormentors (and the teacher)by name because of the seriousness of their actions. I'm sure they never lost any sleep--then or since. After all, they are pillars of the community, aren't they? They are churchgoing folk, aren't they? If I receive an apology from just one of these guys--or the teacher, I will delete the above list. I believe I will have a LONG wait, because these people probably do not even remember bullying me, since it was so long ago. I DO remember it--and very well. Their hatred toward me was for no good reason--I always tried to be polite and sincere, but I guess that's a sign of wimpiness when you're 13 or 14 years old. I sincerely hope these guys don't have sons or daughters who bully others in school. It would be poetic justice if one of these guys has a kid with Asperger's--or some other disability that causes them to be the targets of ridicule by their peers. Some of these guys' children may be approaching 7th or 8th grade, and I'm sure they are part of the jock/cheerleader crowd.
By the end of eighth grade, I was seeing a psychiatrist because my self-esteem was appallingly low. Most of my teachers tried to help me (except for the one mentioned above), telling me to "consider the source" or "fight my own battles." However, because of my disability, I was naturally hypersensitive and therefore a prime target for harassment from peers.
By my second year of high school, in 1978, I had become clinically depressed. My sense of self-worth was always in question, and I was sometimes suicidal. My grades gradually declined, from the 90s to the 80s--and then to the 70s. The one thing I had going for me--academic success--was slowly slipping away because of my psychiatric problems. For many years afterward, I believed I was mentally ill, until I was correctly diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 1995 (see my epinion of 9-14-00).
I ended up developing a lot of anger and hostility toward society (especially the shallow values of Madison Avenue and Hollywood, values which my peers embraced willingly). As a result, I gradually moved to the political left, which was much more receptive o my problems than conservatives were. Unfortunately, because of my low self-esteem, I have always had difficulty with employment, often doing volunteer work to keep busy. I continue to struggle with issues of worthiness to this day. Fortunately, venues like Epinions have given me a forum to express myself. In addition, I have a fair number of friends who are sincere and supportive.
The point of this epinion is that verbal barbs can have long-lasting effects. I have tried many times to forgive my classmates and forget remarks like these, but because of the photographic nature of my memory, I find it difficult. However, I keep trying to repress these memories. Maybe I should confront those guys on Oprah!!
If your child is being tormented in school, be sure to take it seriously. DON'T SHRUG IT OFF! It is very possible that he or she is keeping it to him or herself. Many kids are reluctant to tell adults for fear of being called a "rat" or "tattletale." Don't just tell them to "get over it." The ramifications of continual taunting can be severe, ranging from prolonged depression to alcohol use to, at its most extreme, suicide or the Columbine tragedy of April 1999. No kid should have to endure what I did in junior high and in high school. If anyone ever taunted a son or daughter of mine, I'd be very angry and make sure it would never occur again.
I believe that much of the problem of ostracism and pecking orders is derived from our culture's idolatrous worship of athletes and cheerleaders. In recent years, a lot of cheerleaders have become pop singers (many of them bland and yuppie-sounding). I watched all three of my sisters try hard to make their respective cheerleading squads-- several times each, only to be passed over. They were devastated. The jock and cheerleader cliques are worshiped by our society, while most other students are virtually anonymous, except for the occasional extroverted "A" student who happens to be class President. The social pecking orders seem to become more pronounced during conservative eras like the present one. Needless to say, neither my sisters nor I had too many friends from these groups.
I believe that a lot of current music tends to facilitate bullying and teasing. For example, some songs by Eminem sound as though they were written from the bully's point of view. "Slim Shady Song" sounds like the sort of record that many kids may have used to taunt their peers by. In addition, the snobby, arrogant Destiny's Child, a group that a lot of teenagers like, promotes shallow, materialistic values, as did the 1990s hip-hop trio TLC. In country music, acts such as Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney sing like fratboys who have never been lonely in their lives. And many gangsta rappers, such as 50 Cent, have sadistic overtones in their lyrics. Treating people like sex objects can only lead to more bullying, as well as rape.
The following is a list of some songs that have addressed the issue of bullying or ostracism in some degree or another:
"Charlie Brown" (Coasters, 1958--from the tormentor's point of view, unfortunately)
"Leader of the Pack" (Shangri-Las, 1964, about unsupportive schoolmates who only want to "stop and stare" rather than be a friend to a girl whose biker boyfriend had just died).
"Love Child" (Supremes, 1968, about a girl who was raised by a single parent and was ostracised by peers)
"Half-Breed" (Cher, 1973, about a girl who was mocked for being half-Indian and half white)
"At Seventeen" (Janis Ian, 1975, about the pain of being unpopular in high school)
"Another Brick in the Wall" (Pink Floyd, 1980, about the adverse effects of being ridiculed by a teacher)
"Alien" (Atlanta Rhythm Section, 1981, about a person who feels left out)
"One of These Days" (Tim McGraw, 1998--though it was from the point of view of the good ol'-boy tormenters)
"Jeremy" (Pearl Jam, 1993--from the point of view of the "normal" kids)
"Don't Laugh At Me" (Mark Wills, 1998)
The point of this epinion is: If your child is being harassed by classmates, meet with the teacher as soon as possible. The longer the problem goes on, the more your kid will grow to hate school. It is important to emphasize to the teacher that some kids are simply more sensitive than others. Education, which could have been such an enjoyable experience for me, was marred by classmates who were not there to learn. These kids were there to get the highest possible grades while doing the least amount of work.
I hope this opinion can help a few children or teens who are having a hard time with their peers. Remember--I know what they're going through.
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Epinions.com ID:
bobbo428
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Member: Robert Ruane
Location: Johnson City, NY
Reviews written: 193
Trusted by: 52 members
About Me:
Coming soon--the top 100 quotes of the decade
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