What Rights Do Birth Parents Have
Feb 09 '00 (Updated Jun 23 '00)
I stared, amazed at this beautiful, tiny, red-haired, daughter of mine. I would probably be seeing her for the last time. I looked longingly in the window as I ached to touch her face, her hair, and hold her tightly against me. She was part of me and it seemed like everything I had always longed for was in this little person.
I was young, and engaged. After we broke the engagement, he left the area, and I found out I was pregnant. I was alone, scared and unless you have been through something like this, you could never understand the feelings. I was away from home, my mom had died suddenly the year before, and I knew I couldn't go to my family. They had already been through enough with my mom's death.
In my heart I knew that adoption would be the right thing. It didn't seem like that hard of a decision - probably because I never really faced the facts that it was an actual little child growing inside me, forming a personality, a mind, a tiny body whose parts were like mine.
I wasn't going to see her after she was born but I felt the maternal pull. I knew if I didn't that I would always regret it. I had to see her. Then I even named her, knowing I didn't want to go through life thinking of her as "just a baby". She deserved a name and even though I understood that she would probably get a new name when she was adopted, she at least had a name then. Something I could give her - the only thing.
Years went by and every day she was in my thoughts. She was born in February so we shared birthdays - apart by only 8 days. February was always the worst time for me. Was she happy, loved, have wonderful parents? All I could do was pray and hope that someday we may meet.
Twenty three years went by. I had lost a very close relative and it was then I realized that if I were to ever find her I better do it before it was too late. My husband knew about her even before we were engaged. By then our 3 children knew too. They all agreed that I should definitely seek her out.
She was found and living very close to where I was. Unbelievable! After several letters back and forth, we met at her apartment. I won't get into emotions here as to what it was like when we met. Another thing that is very difficult to go into. She, of course was beautiful and wonderful. She was happily married, and when she talked about her parents, she glowed. I met her parents a couple of months later and I could see all the love they had for each other. All of my years of worry evaporated as I got to know them.
Of course I was jealous and still am. I've seen over the past 8 years how very much I have missed seeing her grow up, missed all those first milestones in her life, don't have the same relationship with her as her parents do -- but that's OK too. I don't and never did want to replace them. I wanted to be her friend.
You see, I am not her parent and haven't been since I signed those adoption papers those many years ago. At that point she was no longer my daughter and the pain I still feel as I write this is still evident in my life.
Whenever I see her, I feel it, I know it to be a fact. When she was adopted, she became the child of her real parents. AND they are her real parents. They are not the ones who birthed her but that's all they aren't.
Sure, I gave her birth but that was the end of it.
We all know of the love real parents have for their children. It's there from the beginning and through the years so many more things come with that. The fact that they are her parents is no different than me being a parent to our three children. I love her as much as life itself, just as I love our three children that we have loved and nurtured throughout all these years. BUT I am not her mom.
I HAVE NO RIGHTS! And even if she were 1 or 10 years old, I still wouldn't have any rights. I lost that when I signed those adoption papers.
I feel very strongly about this. I get so upset when I hear that birth parents have come forward to claim their children that have been adopted. Don't think I don't know how it feels to give up a child this way. I have been there and am still dealing with all aspects of it. I could never go through it again nor want any of my children to go through it.
I'm one of the lucky ones though. Even though we were apart for 23 years, we are making up for it. No, I'm not her mom - but I am her friend. We are both very special to one another and she is very special to all of my family.
So, I maybe wasn't there on her wedding day, and have missed out on her entire life before now, I still know it was for the best. I really like her parents and know they did a wonderful job with their children.
Yes, HER PARENTS! Not Me - THEM!
AND NOW....
she has given me my first grandchild. The cutest little red-haired, freckled-nose child that we all love with all our hearts. It is a privilege that I am his grandma and have been freely given the right to be. I tended to go very slowly at first. I didn't feel that I deserved to be too excited because since I wasn't really her mom, I didn't want to step on the other 4 grandparent's toes. I needed not to have worried. I am called grandma, my husband, grandpa and my children are auntie and uncles. I consider myself very fortunate to have been there when she was in labor and saw him minutes after he burst into this world. Her mom was with her during the labor and delivery and that felt so very right. I hope I will get that honor when our daughter has her first child.
I know how fortunate I am. I may not be her mom. But I am a grandma. How much better can it get..having not only her in my life but also her great parents, husband, and grandchild (with another due to arrive in a few months).
If you are a birth mom or dad, please, if you find your adopted children or if they find you, remember you are no longer their parent. AND give much respect to those that are. They are the ones who really deserve it. Also, I hope it all works out as well for you as this true story has for us.
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shartion
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Location: Mpls.MN
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