Birth Father Stereotypes
Jul 09 '00
I had previously written an epinion on birth mothers, so in fairness, I decided to write one about the birth fathers. Birth fathers, unfortunately, are often left out of the adoption decision. Up until a few years ago, the courts didn't require the birth father to be named for the adoption to proceed. The view of society (and the law) was that it was up to the mother to decide what was best for the child, and the father's opinion "didn't count". For better or for worse, this has changed due to a several highly profiled adoption cases, most notably, the Baby Jessica and Baby Richard cases, where birth fathers sued for custody of their children based on the fact that no one had asked their permission for the children to be placed for adoption.
The rights of birth fathers is a hot topic in the adoption arena right now. Most people feel strongly one way or the other. I, for the most part, agree that birth fathers have rights and should be not only named for the record, but should be given the opportunity to raise the child if he wishes. On the other hand, I understand why so many are against this. I will attempt to show you both sides fairly.
A lot of birth mothers choose to not name the birth father because the relationship went bad and she doesn't want to have any further contact with him. Sometimes she doesn't want to name him because he was abusive and she is afraid to have any further contact with him. And, once in a while, the pregnancy is the result of a rape. When a birth mother is legitimately afraid for her safety and chooses not to name the birth father, I can support her in that decision. Unfortunately, the court says that if she knows who the birth father is, she must name him. In a lot of these cases the birth mother will just testify that she does not know who the father is, and has to go through the embarrassment of saying she had a "one-night stand". For some, they would rather have people think she is irresponsible and promiscuous, than to put herself and the baby in danger.
Some birth mothers, and unfortunately, some agencies and attorneys, just don't want to name the birth father because they don't want the "hassle". I do not agree with this. If the birth mother and child are in no danger from the birth father, he should be named. The child is genetically 50% his. He should be made aware of the child, and he should have rights. Some opinions are that if he had sex with someone, then it is his responsibility to know that she got pregnant and should have been there to support her. Well, in a perfect world maybe this would happen, but it's not a perfect world. Some states have implemented a "Birth Father Registry" where men can register every woman he has ever slept with, so that if one of the women gets pregnant and wants to place the baby for adoption, he will be notified. These registries have not been around long enough to tell whether this helps, but I can't imagine many men even know about this, much less, take the time to register.
I have had many birth mothers tell me that they don't think the birth father would want to be involved. Or they say that when they told the birth father of the pregnancy, he either denied it was his child, or said he didn't care. Sometimes when I finally catch up with the birth father, this really is the case. They don't care or they say "How do I know whether it's even my child?" But many times I have tracked these birth fathers down and informed them of the pregnancy and plans to place the baby, and thy are more than happy to assist. A lot of them tell me that their initial reaction to finding out the birth mother was pregnant was a reaction of fear. They are ashamed of the way they handled it, and didn't really know what was expected of them. Once their responsibilities and rights are explained to them, they realize the importance of cooperation.
I have had some very positive experiences with birth fathers. Once they realize they can be involved in the decisions and the adoption process, some want to participate. The agency I work for does open adoptions. Many have decided to take part in choosing the adoptive families, and have chosen to stay in contact with them, and have handled themselves in a very responsible manner. I have had several birth fathers show more responsibility in the process than the birth mother.
Once in a while, upon hearing about the proposed adoption, a birth father will step in and say he will not support the adoption decision. This is why a lot of birth mothers, agencies, and attorneys don't want to (and often don't) name birth fathers. If he is not in agreement, he can stop the adoption. This is an area that the courts and state social services could make better. The courts and the law usually have to respect the biological parent's wishes, even if it is not in the best interest of the child. I have had some birth fathers decide they would like a chance to raise the child, and they were sincere and capable. In those circumstances, I applaud him and think he should have the right to raise his own flesh and blood. However, there are other situations where the birth father didn't want to raise the child, but also refused to cooperate with the adoption, and have managed to delay a child's placement for over a year. This is truly sad. There are also birth fathers who want to take custody of the child in less-than-desirable circumstances; he is an alcoholic, or a drug addict, etc. These are the circumstances that I would love to see the courts get more involved in; in some cases, what is best for the child is not even a consideration.
In fairness to the children, I believe birth fathers should be given a chance to be involved. If the father wants to raise the child, and is suitable, then that may be what is best for the child. If the father agrees to the adoption, then for the child's sake, it is important that as much information be gathered on the birth father as possible. Medical and social histories are very important. Unfortunately, a lot of adopted people have background information on their birth mothers, but not their birth fathers, so they only have half their medical history.
If you are considering adoption, ask questions about the birth father. Find out as much as possible about him, after all, he provided 50% of your child's genes. Birth fathers don't always fall into society's stereotypes, most are not dead-beat dads, and a lot of them truly care about the child and what is best for them. A lot of them support the adoption for the same reasons the birth mothers do: they want the child to be in a stable, loving home, with two parents who can provide a good life for the child.
To read my review on the Birth Mothers, go to the link below:
http://goodbazaar.epinions.com/kifm-review-1AC7-39C3062-390E1F7B-prod6
*I am a Director for a non-profit agency that has been in existence for 61 years. We do domestic in-state adoptions. I have worked here for eleven years. I am also self-employed part-time doing home studies for international adoptions and independent adoptions.
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Epinions.com ID:
Yzerman
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Member: Diane
Location: Louisville, Kentucky
Reviews written: 173
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