You were my baby when I gave you away
Nov 19 '00
The first line of a poem I wrote when I gave a daughter up for adoption 18 years ago. It was tucked away with her birth certificate, a picture of her birth dad and the baby bracelet they attached to mine when she was born. On February 16th, 1982 as i was putting laundry into the washer at my mom and dad's, my water broke. I then had the task of telling my mom I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. I obviously was an expert at hiding the fact. I can sympathize with girls that hide their pregnancies. Well on to the hospital we go. I hadn't told my parents that I was pregnant because they were already disappointed with me for the fact I had a 18 month old already. Birth control you ask? Yep, on the pill and still got pregnant. Abortion? No way. So I had decided that the best thing for this baby would be to give it to a family who wanted children. Mom came to the hospital the next day, my brother had given me a ride there. Of course the disappointment was there but she wanted me to keep the baby and when I told her I had made up my mind to give her up, Mom walked out of the room. After hours of drug induced labor, Melissa (I had to give her a name)was born. Premature, she was whisked away from the delivery room. The nurses asked if I wanted to see her but I knew it would be hard to give her up if I saw her. But at the last minute, I took a peek and saw the tiniest baby I'd ever seen in real life. 3 lbs. 2 oz. 13 inches long. She had all sorts of monitors stuck to her tiny body. And then she was on her way to a medical center about an hour away. The adoption agency was called that morning and then came all the questions. Was I sure? Where is the father? Are you sure? What does my family think? Are you sure? You get the idea. Her father was notified in Germany (he was in the army). I hadn't told him either. Of course he wanted me to keep her. But I had made up my mind that this was the best thing for all of us. We went to the court, signed the papers and everything was over. Or was it? I was having second thoughts so I decided to write a poem that I might be able to give to her someday, that is, if she didn't hate me for giving her up..
ONCE MINE
You were my baby when I gave you away,
I've tried to forget you, but I'm reminded each day;
Of the time when you were born so small;
Of the time when you'll begin to crawl;
And of the time when you'll begin to walk;
And of the time when you'll begin to talk;
Also of the times when you'll hug your mom and dad,
when I think of those times it makes me sad.
I wish I could be there when you first fall down,
So I could tell you I loved you 'til the hurt was all gone.
I'll love you baby 'til my very last day,
'Cause it hurt so bad when I gave you away.
So now, why after all these years do I bring it up again? One week before Mother's Day this year, I got a phone call. Yep, you guessed it. Because I left all the records open, Amber (which is her name now) found me. She was raised by a very good family less then two hours from where I live. She has cerebral palsy, maybe because of the fact she was born too soon. We'll never know for sure. She is a 12th grader in school and hopes to walk with the aid of a walker on graduation day. Yes, I will be there. We see each other and talk on the phone and have even chatted on the computer. Her parents have done a great job of raising her. Even without the disabilities, I couldn't have done as well as they did. On Mother's Day, I sent Sandi a card by Anne Geddes. On the front was a mother holding a baby that just fits in her hands. I wrote to Sandi that I always thought of Amber when I saw that card. I also thanked her for giving Amber the life I couldn't. I may be the birth mom, but Sandi is the real mom. Amber gave me a handwritten Mother's Day card when I met her inside it says," You thought what you were doing was right. It was!
So now after all the years of wondering, I know I did the right thing.
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Epinions.com ID:
sscotts_woman
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Member: Lori Ward
Location: Clare, MI
Reviews written: 1
Trusted by: 2 members
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