Get some Lotion for that Seven Year Itch!Sep 12 '00 (Updated Jan 03 '01) Write an essay on this topic."You've been married how long?" "No, really, how do you guys do it?" and my two favorites "Why did you get married so young?" and "When are you having kids?" are just some of the questions people ask when they learn that my husband and I have known each other for over ten years and have been married for over seven. So, as an editorial, here are some of the answers: 1) We've been married since March of 1993. 2) We survive one day at a time. 3) We got married young, but we didn't think we were young. I was 23, and my husband was 25. We thought we were OLD. 4) None of your business. When we can afford them. When we are ready. Maybe never, get over it, okay? Seriously, though, marriage is a huge topic. From the cultural and religious views of marriage to the personal experiences of both the married and single, everyone has an opinion and everyone from your friends to your co-workers to your parents will tell you what they think about their marriage, your marriage, the President's marriage and so on. The trick is to listen respectfully and then do what is best for you. Every marriage is different and unique, but there are a few tips that work for everyone. In the easier said than done category---or "Oh How I Wish I Took My Own Advice" is the following: 1) Take the time to listen to your spouse. That doesn't mean nodding your head responsively while dreaming about Russell Crowe in a tunic and sandals. That means hearing him/her out and following up. If s/he had a bad day, find out why. If s/he is craving Italian food, but you've just cooked a wonderful brisket, find some compromise. Brisket is really good the next day, btw. 2) Conversely, make your own needs known. I've seen too many couples fall into the trap where one dictates and the other says "Okay, honey, whatever you say." This is sooooo dull, and sickens all the people in your life who have to watch this little "show" of togetherness. If I am unhappy with my husband and think he is taking my efforts for granted, we are staying home and eating that brisket for dinner. However, if I feel appreciated and loved, I might agree and go out for a good Italian dinner. Either way, I would make it clear how I felt. 3) Find things to do together that you both enjoy. Sex doesn't count. Yes, I'm sorry, but it is true. I'm talking hobbies. My husband and I enjoy going to movies, eating out, playing golf and attending cultural events together. When we do these things together, we are helping to form a bond of experiences that are shared. These memories can sustain us more so than the memory of sex. 4) Find things to do alone. Nothing is more annoying than people who are joined at the hip, unless they are Siamese Twins. Get a life! Be independent. Find out what you---alone---like and dislike. This is crucial for many reasons. You may become widowed, divorced, separated by distance or legal decree and then you will feel adrift, constantly thinking, "But we always used to do this together!!". For example, I am an exercise fiend. Since moving to SoCal, I have learned to ski, ice skate, rollerblade, and golf. My husband only shares an affinity for golf. I have friends who are like "Don't you want him to ski with you?" Well, it would be nice if he wanted to join me, but my best memories of skiing are starting out at the top of the mountain alone and just looking at the view of Big Bear Lake and being able to appreciate it without interruption (unless you count being slammed to the ground by a snowboarder---love boarders, hate snow up my nose!). There are plenty of things that we do alone or with other people. He loves video games, card games, RPG's, painting miniatures etc. I'll occasionally join him, but if I'm going to get wrapped up in something, I'd prefer it to be a good book. 5) Do the work. Marriage is work. You've heard that, but what does it mean? It means that there are going to be days when you hate, I repeat, hate your spouse. You will forget why you married that person and why you ever even loved them. In those moments, you'd better be working hard to repair how you feel or else resentment will creep in like ivy on a brick wall and slowly destroy the foundation of your marriage. Work is listening, being fair and honest, treating the person as you would want to be treated and being able to forgive. Yes, there are some things that are unforgivable, but then you have to be able to let go and either free yourself physically or emotional from those situations. 6) Learn to accept family and friends and pick your battles wisely. My husband's mother has been a challenge. I think she watched every tv show where the mother-in-law was difficult and demanding and decided to emulate that behavior. Lucky us. Three thousand miles separate us now, and we actually have a better relationship. She has grown up. We have grown up. Don't allow family to interfere with your marriage. If you don't want to drive 300 miles to have Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt LuLu's...don't. Don't let people who didn't stand up in front of the world and recite vows, who didn't since a marriage contract, who didn't draw blood for a license, tell you where you should be or what you should be doing as a couple. That said, be polite and listen. My mother-in-law was insecure and thought that her only child was lost to her forever. Since he never calls her on his own or sends gifts or remembers her birthday, it was up to me to remind him to call her, buy cards for him to sign and mail and pick out the appropriate gifts to send. However, when she asks "Why don't you come out to see me?", we both say "The plane flies both ways". 7) Love each other and honor each other. And now I do mean SEX! Make love every day, even if that means just cuddling as you sleep and whispering sweet nothings. The act of sex is great, yet there are other ways to express love and desire. If you are too tired for full on, kama sutra, back bending sex, find another way to show your spouse that you love him or her. Those are my seven secrets to a happy, long marriage. I'm sure that there are more, but those are the key ones in my opinion! Now, as an aside, I want to address gay marriages. The best man at our wedding was (still is) gay. I won't even tell you how my soon to be mother-in-law was all agog at the fact that a *gay* man was the best man..."Will the guests think that you two are gay?", she asked (with a straight face, I might add...pun intended. I mean, hello, we;'re just performing the most blatantly heterosexual act that we possibly can!!) Anyway, he and his partner are getting "married" next month. While I support and love him, it was hard for me to accept the concept of gay marriage at first because I viewed the vows that my husband and I spoke under the chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) as sacred before God. We were entering into a holy union that is meant to be special, unique and held above all other relationships. It took me a while to reconcile those concepts with non-heterosexual marriage. Basically, if this country truly has separation of church and state, gay marriages should be allowed. The state can sponsor marriage as a civil, not religious, union. This allows gay couples to enjoy the legal benefits of marriage that can be denied them otherwise, such as health insurance and other protections under the law. They can have stable family units, which has been an argument against gay couples adopting or even marrying. They would have the right to legally separate or divorce, thus settling property issues in the courts or with arbitration. It also allows them to have the "joy" of the joint tax return, along with the attendant marriage penalty. For all those politicians who profess family values, why don't you eradicate this terrible tax when you decry how society is falling apart with single parent homes and absentee parents etc?? As for most of the religions who hold gay marriage to be a sin, they would not be forced to change their tenets. If you disagree with a certain religion's view point on anything, you have two choices: you can try to change the doctrine or you can leave. Religion is optional in this country, and there is no law stating that just because your parents and their parents believed "X", that you have to do the same. I realize that this is a little aside, but marriage is marriage, whether it is a civil or religious ceremony or gay or straight. My little marriage "tips" apply to everyone, even those who are just dating, but thats a whole other issue. In the end, you just have to appreciate each day with your spouse for what it is. And if these seven little tips truly don't work, get a therapist or a lawyer and a good bottle of scotch! You'll need them all!  |
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