The 20 worst songs of 2000
Jan 03 '01 (Updated Jan 04 '01)
Well, let’s face it: as much as we care about good music, we care about the cr*ppy stuff even moreso. After all, who doesn’t look back fondly at embarasments like Snow, The Spice Girls or Vannila Ice? With that in mind (and to avoid future revisionism), here is a list of the twenty worst tunes of the year 2000, totally biased and to be read centuries after it’s been published (or when Epinions stops existing, whatever comes first).
20-”bent” by matchbox twenty
Well, I’m starting off on the wrong foot here, because I honestly don’t hate matchbox twenty (or Matchbox20 or whatever they call themselves). Their first album was just sub-Mellencamp fare, and the new one is almost catchy. And you’ve gotta hand it to Rob Thomas- his hot vocal delivery and songwriting talent made “Smooth” the only single from ”Supernatural” to actually live up to the hype.
No, I’m afraid that my hatred of this one has deep psychological roots. You see, I had cultivated a major obsession for a certain girl in my class which had lasted about...three years by the time this came out. I spent the first year looking at her, the second getting up the courage to talk to her, and the third trying to befriend her (at this rate, I might tell her I have a crush on her by the seventh year). So, eager to find out every shred of info on the girl, I found out that she liked matchbox twenty (who were then relatively unkown here). Figuring that this must be better than liking, say, The Backstreet Boys, I decided to order MB20’s two CDs from an internet service. I did so and of course lent them to the girl. She has since stopped going to school, and I never got to tell her how I felt about her.
No wait, I take that back. matchbox twenty f*cking suck, and Rob Thomas is a talentless goatface.
19-”Freakin’ It” by Will Smith
The only reason that this piece of corporate ego trip doesn’t rate higher here is that the album from which it hailed, ”Willenium”, bombed. Therefore, we weren’t subjected to “Freakin’ It” enough for it to be truly hideous. However, Will Smith still deserves a special place in the Hall Of Sh*t: because he’s one of the blandest actors ever; because he dared to sample The Clash (on “Will2K”); because he uses the fact that he doesn’t swear as a cover-up for the fact that he doesn’t have anything to say; because he’s the worst type of Uncle Tom figure I’ve ever seen; and most of all, because he’s so damn smug about it.
Now, it is nothing new to see Rappers celebrating themselves, but on “Freakin’ It”, Will definitivley took it too far. ”They say I’m soft/yeah, more like Microsoft”. Comparing yourself to a multi-billion corporation sure will help you gain street cred! The rest of the song consists of Smith inquiring whetever he should be allowed to, you guessed it, “freak this”. “Yeah, yeah!” is the entusiastic response of his background singers. “You wish” is my reaction as I happily ponder the fact that no one cares about Will Smith anymore.
18-”Independant Woman” by Destinys’ Child
Lightweight as they indubiatably are, I’ve managed to stay pretty tolerant to most of Destinys’ Childs’ slick R&B productions. The sound is slightly less insulting than the Vomit Pop aproach of Max Martin et al; and although the man-bashing theme is prevalent, I’ve always managed to remind myself of one thing-all these singles were from ”The Writings’ On The Wall”, a concept album about what relationships should be like. While I don’t agree at all with what songs like “Say My Name” or “Bills, Bills, Bills” say, the fact that anyone still puts out concept albums made me tolerant towards the Soul(less) glitz of Destinys’ Child. And now, at the end of the year, they’ve managed to irritate me enough for me to include them here.
Isn’t it ironical that “Independant Woman” (suposedly an anthem of female liberation) is a soundtrack single to ”Charlies’ Angels”, the most sexist film released this year? The original series was boring as hell, why would anyone wanna re-make it? It’s appaling that this harem-themed rubbish could still be produced today, and it’s even more appaling that actresses like Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore would agree to be part of this travesty. But I digress...
Anyway, Destinys’ Child want to show what independant women they are, and they do this by shakin’ that booty in the accompanying video and letting loose such applaling verses as “to all the honeys/makin’ money”. Yes, this is indeed what Soul has become. Come back, Aretha! All is forgiven, even ”A Rose Is Still A Rose” and that Whitney Houston duet!
17-”Love Is A Rollercoaster” by Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating, for those not in known, is the mainman of Irish boygroup Boyzone. Boyzone (and their protegées, Westlife) are even worse than most US boygroups, because instead of prancing around in silly outfits and shouting “am I sexual?” (which at least has some comedy value), they just sit around on soundstages. The musical talent of the teenybopper generation meets the stage presence of the VH-1 demographic...appaling!
Well, that’s what Take That! were, too...anyone remember them? A certain ex-member, by the name of Robbie Williams, has since developed quite a solo career due to his charisma and the kitsh value of his music. So ol’ Ronan decided that he could do this, too, and quickly began work on a solo album. Imaginatively titled ”Ronan”, this is the effort where “Love Is A Rollercoaster” comes from. Fey, bland and not even catchy, it will hardly establish him as the new Robbie (and would that be such a great honour, anyway?). Better luck next time.
16-”Spit It Out” by Slipknot
Well, I’ve never heard “Wait & Bleed”, so this one will have to do. Every Slipknot song sounds exactly the same anyway. Cornier than KoRn, whinier than Maryiln Manson, and almost as arrogant as Limp Bizkit. The revolution will not come with PUMA, to qoute Gill-Scott Heron (no, he never said that, but I’m sure he’d agree with me).
15-”Desert Rose (Re-mix)” by Sting
Contrary to popular belief, a re-mix is not always a bad thing. Tim Hutton (“Been A Fool”), RL Burnside (“Rolling Tumbling”) and Moloko (“Sing It Back”, the original of which is bleargh) have all benefited from re-mixes, to qoute only the most recent examples. However, most of the time re-mixes screw things up. “Desert Rose” was actually quite nice as far as Sting goes, an interesting blend of Ethno and Pop. But add a tinny Techno sound, and voilá- instant cr*p.
14-”Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)” by 98 Degrees
To begin with, let’s drop this Latino BS, ok? Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony are about as near to Latino music as Will Smith is to the Blues. And besides, wasn’t the Latino fad suposed to be over by now? Not for this sub-N Sync outfit, it isn't. A sappy love ballad, and as far as bilinguality in Pop goes, this is as bad as “Rico Suave”, although not half as entertaining.
For the record, 98 Degrees are signed to Motown. Motown once gave us The Four Tops, The Temptations, Marvin Gaye and Edwin Starr, to name but a few. The times, they are a changing.
13-”The Bad Touch” by The Bloodhound Gang
This was probably released in 1999, but that’s the thing about singles: they can’t be judged by when they were released, but by when they were popular. And this lame slice of Beastie Boys-wannabe tosh sure was popular this year.
I can’t even recall the lyrics, and neither can you: the only phrase that we’ll both associate with this song is ”you and me baby/we ain’t nuthin but mammals/so let’s do like they do/on the discovery channel”. It’s funny the first time you hear it, obnoxious by the third time, and insufferable by the fifiteth time.
The same can be said about the video, in which The Bloodhound Gang disguise themselves as midget rodents and hunt down frenchmen. Yawn.
12-”Bye Bye Bye” by N’ Sync
Ok, I’ve seen more than one inteligent, nice N’ Sync fan on Epinions, and in case they’re reading this, I’ll try to make it short and painless: “Bye Bye Bye” is a mediocre Wham! type Pop song, and the fact that they’re puppets in the video is telling. Sorry, it had to be said. Let’s move on...
11-”Ex-Girlfriend” by No Doubt
Soap operas and Rock N Roll don’t mix. The presence of romance and intrigue amongst Fleetwood Mac helped their ”Rumors” CD-and damaged their career. The same can be said about No Doubt, who gave us a couple of memorable hits in the mid 90’s (notably “Don’t Speak”) and have now become truly ridicolous. Their brand of Pop/Ska was dodgy to begin with, but right now it’s downright annoying. And when will Gwen stop whining about her boyfriend leaving her? Come on! The poor fella actually plays bass for No Doubt, and every second song that Gwen sings is a personal attack against him! Distasteful.
10-”Oops! I Did It Again!” by Britney Spears
Oh yes, it does suck. I don’t care how many pseudo-intelectual Pop fetishists want to convince me otherwise..this has no heart, no soul, and it isn’t even that danceable! Pop used to be about big, sweeping arrangements and lush, powerful voices like Dusty Springield or Scott Walker. This, however, has a flat beat and Britneys’ voice can best be described as sounding like two cats having sex.
Unfortunately, I can’t really summon the energy to express my hatred of Britney anymore...in fact, I almost feel sorry for her. The archetypal “good girl” has suffered her inevitable breakdown this year, the climax of which was her getting drunk in Zurich and stripping before reporters. It had to happen, really...the poor girl has been forced to try to be the most wholesome, pie eating all american gahl in the USA, while at the same time having to wear skimpy outfits in order to provoke male hormones. Schizophrenia had to kick in eventually. ”America Eats Its’ Young”, as George Clinton once said.
9-”Come On Over (All I Want Is You)” by Christina Aguilera
Yup, Christina gets a higher position here than Britney. This does not, however, mean that I’m taking sides here, and the same can be said for the fact that there’s no BSB song on here. Space restrictions, that’s all.
Anyway, a lousy dance tune that even La Bouche would be ashamed of. When asked about Eminems’ “The Real Slim Shady”, Christina was reported as saying ”I have no idea of what I could have done to this person for him to say something like that”. Well, Chrissie hun, it’s blatantly obvious. You exist. You make sh*tty Pop muzak. That’s reason enough.
8-”Last Resort” by Papa Roach
Americans like to pick on us Europeans for having a weak spot for kitsh, but the plain truth is that ludricious stuff like Robbie Williams or TheSpice Girls is at least, for all its’ daftness, somehow entertaining. The same can’t be said for the unsophisticated, yawn-inducing Hardcore RAWK of the US. Papa Roach presents this at its’ worst: always well-intenioned, never melodic, and with no sense of rhytm at all.
The US is stock-full of great Rock bands like Queens Of The Stone Age and Sleater Kinney. Why can’t one of those teach Papa Roach to rock?
7-”It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi
Times are truly bad when Bon Jovi are allowed to have a comeback. When the leaders of 80’s Soft-Rock returned, I really wasn’t expecting them to make it anywhere near *this* big. And this song isn’t even half as good as “Wanted Dead Or Alive”, Bon Jovis’ one and only moment of glory. No, this artificial rocker is part KoRn, part Meat Loaf and part Diane Warren. All cr*p, of course.
6-”Spanish Guitar” by Toni Braxton
The most oportunistic of all the Latino cash-in singles, this one is truly awful. Since Braxton obviously isn’t a latino chick, she’s decided to give the story another turn: she sings about her latin lover! Oh joy!
The sound, it should be noted, is reminiscent of Michael Bolton. Which is never a good thing.
5-”My Generation” by Limp Bizkit
Aaaah...and here we arrive at my favourite target of a verbal beating, the one and only Fred Durst! It is a testimony to this bands’ cr*ppyness that they’re the only group on this list present twice.
“My Generation” is offensive in more ways than I could care to mention. First off, we have the fact that this song shares its’ title with a classic Who song. How DARE these simpletons compare themselves to one of the grestest Rock bands of all time?? But nevermind that....since when has Fred Durst become a spokesperson for my generation?. Everyone hates him! Only the seriously deluded could think of Durst as anything but a pathetic, pompous whiner. So, Fred, rest assured that I’ll keep “talking sh*t” about you and that miserable excuse for a guitarist, Wes Borland. No matter what ”Rolling Stone” says.
4-”It Feels So Good” by Sonique
There’s something about Techno that just profoundly disgusts me. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the same thing as with fascism: my country is responsible for it, so iI hate it with a passion. A bold comparsion? Maybe- but this song is useless, disposable Trash. And Soniques’ voice is awful.
3-”I Disappear” by Metallica
Ladies and gentlemen- the most hated band in the world. Metallicas’ imperalistic and reactionary attitude towards Napster has forever banished these jokers to the realm of has-beens. They did it for artistic integrity, presumably. I’m guessing that contribuiting to the soundtrack of a sh*tty action movie like ”MI2” was done for similiar reasons. Man, these guys have less dignity than Pete Townswend.
Of course, I never liked the buggers in the first place. Gimme Anthrax anyday.
2-”Take A Look Around” by Limp Bizkit
Speaking of ”MI2”..as promised, here they are again! ”I know why you wann hate me/cos hate is all the world has even seen lately!”, b*tches Durst. No, you idiot, we hate you because you’re a pretentious, b*llshitting assh*le. And that is why we hate you.
And now, the worst single of the year 2000...
(suspense)
(more suspense)
1-”Music” by Madonna
Yup, folks, Madonna still has it! No matter how many bimbos try to take her place, she is still the queen of Vomit Pop! This song is pretentious w*nk of the worst sort, and the video only makes it worse. Also, Madonna seems to have cultivated the preposterous notion that music unites the bourgeoise and the rebel. Don’t know where she got that particular piece of nonsense from, but it was probably the ecstasy that the video director lent her. And for the record, I don’t care how many Grammys she’s won or how many critics love her: Madonna is still a smarter Tiffany to me.
Ok, folks, that’s it. The 20 worst singles of 2000. Now, excuse me while I throw up.
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Epinions.com ID:
Daniel_Rf
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Member: Daniel Reifferscheid
Location: S. Miguel, Portugal
Reviews written: 226
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About Me:
www.culturedose.com- groovy for a movie (or book, or record)
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