The five best: (To forget) movie write-off
Nov 12 '00 (Updated Nov 13 '00)
This five best (to forget) movie write-off is in acceptance of the invitation by pambo to enter a list of the worst movies ever. It was to be top ten, but then she gladly accepted any number the individual writers wished to enter. I chose five because I wished to keep it short so readers wouldn't be overwhelmed reading ten for every entry. Remember as you read this list, it is for a write-off hosted by pambo so your ratings will reflect on her. Pambo is nice, so don't disappoint her.
Real life is hard enough, and I usually like mindless movies, ones that you can watch and not have to follow a plot, just laugh until your sides hurt. Kind of like an escape from reality. But there is also room for a good action adventure flick to get the blood moving. Or even an excellent drama, maybe involving a psycho crime or the like to get you thinking. But it is usually something light that I choose, something to soothe my already overworked mind.
In Hollywood today there seems to be a trend toward modern day film makers not knowing what they are doing. It seems it is extremely rare to find an actually good movie. Yesteryear was a completely different story. Old movies are usually intelligently acted and directed. They carried themselves with skill and made you think. They were many times of epic proportion and are still master pieces of the craft. I don't know what happened. Maybe there are no more stories to tell, or maybe it has gotten to a saturation point where everything is just recycled every few years. All I know is this: Good movies are rare. And bad movies are, it seems the rule rather than the exception. So here is my five worst of all times list.
5. The Stupids: I think this is one movie that should have came with an official sub-title. It would have read this way. The Stupids: Nuff said. This is one of those movies that should never have happened. Of course I previously explained I like mindless fun, but this was so much less. It centers around our super hero Stanley Stupid (Tom Arnold) or better yet (Tom Arnold: Nuff said) investigating.... a garbage theft ring ? Then as the stupid family is sucked into the vortex of a serious illegal arms deal you will realize why it is an aptly named movie. From Stanleys camouflage resembling a bush at the city dump to the rest of the Stupid family scratching their heads after being transported back in time, (or was it just the dinosaur exhibit at the local museum, ?) we do see the glory that is The Stupids ! There are actually few and far between scenes that are actually funny, along with some cameo appearances by some truly talented and real life funny individuals like Jenny McCarthy but save even a 99 cent rental fee. Take a rain check folks... and no Stanley, you can't cash a rain check.
4. The Astronauts Wife: I was really digging yesterday to try and remember another bad movie to round out this list. It seems for every 10 movies rented these days, only one is good. I always remember good movies, bad movies like bad days at work are soon forgotten. So when we hosted a house full of teenagers this weekend we hoped to view some good movie action along with them. WRONG ! They went and rented this one just last night. Johnny Depp, Charlize Theron, sounds pretty A-list to me ! A-list, and not even "B" movie worthy. This was the slowest moving, most idiotic, pointless excuse for a movie since..... well The Stupids. Oh hey.... another sub-title. The Astronauts Wife: The Stupids in space ! Johnny Depp as an astronaut working on a satellite with his partner, losing contact for 2 minutes with mission control and after the initial panic everything seems all-is-well. His beautiful and supportive wife, (Theron) concerned for his safety is extatic when things seem to be back to "normal" here on terra firma. Johnny quits the space program, but not before impregnating his wife with twins. Well as you have guessed there is alien involvement, conspiracy, and the worst camera work and acting in recent history. With all the special effects geniuses in the industry as well as real life acting coaches, I wonder why there couldn't have been a "Houston-we-have-a-problem" thing happen in the editing room. I would at least have liked to have seen some alien babies spewing forth from abdomens, or maybe some bone chilling graphics as the partner astronauts wife kills herself with the most gruesome weapon of all....a radio ! It would have been better to have lost this movie instead of all those Oscar statues. The premise was good the execution was miserable at best. Go to a local park and watch kids shoot off bottle rockets instead of soiling your VCR with this tape.
3. The Omega Code: O.K. Now we're talking. All that Bible code talk a couple of years ago got a lot of people looking at all kinds of literature trying to break some kind of secret code. Another mix of some A-list, minus bad script and directing equals boring disaster. Michael York (Both Austin Powers movies) plays some kind of world leader trying to bring worldwide peace in a way that would bring him the most acclaim and financial gain. Only a wrench has been thrown into the mix. A secret code is being discovered from the Bible that foretells immediate future events as they pertain to the task of Yorks character and it has fallen into the hands of don donnnnnn donnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....... an evil empire. Now Casper VanDien (Starship Troopers) with the help of Catherine Oxenburg (Dallas, sorry that's all I know Her from) are trying to clear his name and get the C.D. which has the secret formula to decipher the code back into safe hands. Double crosses and He said She said ensue, all the while the dog keeps licking your feet as you are snoring and keeping him awake while you "watch" this movie. The acting is flat the direction goes nowhere, and you will wish the word code would never have been invented. I figure it would be better to try and find a code in say... Green Eggs and Ham and be saved by Sam I Am than waste 2 hours of your life on this. My Wife has even shown Her dismay with this film by becoming a member here and writing a review on it. See it here http://suspensions.epinions.com/mvie-review-1810-28C0684-39CD6C93-prod1
2. The Blair Witch Project: Step right up folks...The Indie surprise, Thirty thousand dollars is all it took to make this film. What did they do with the other 29,900 dollars ? Three film students get lost in the woods searching for the Blair Witch, star of local folklore, and killer of nosey under grads everywhere. This film was touted as the scariest, most well put together thing ever. The innovative hand held camera angles, the "first person shooter" angles of capture. Watch this film and it will scare the pants off of you. Well it did ! Ever see cartoons where the character takes off running and the sudden acceleration makes him jump out of his own clothes, or even its own skin should said character be animal ? It is real....and I mean it. Imagine my embarrassment as I fled the comfort of my own living room at supersonic speed during a viewing of this film and suddenly realizing I was buck naked looking at my own clothes lying on the floor from the sheer speed of my flight. This was not scary stuff in the least, but..... Oh Oh, time for another subtitle. The Blair Witch Project: The Stupids in the woods. I was so unbelievably disappointed in this movie that that was the only scary part. How to save three dollars rental fee 101: Put a paper bag on your head, now pay half a dozen kids to run around you from all angles screaming Ohhhhhhhh Noooooooooo, Nooooooooo Ohhhhhhh my Gooooooooooodddddddddddddd Heeeelllllllllllpppppppp ! This my friends is Blair Witch in a nutshell. The only question is why ! Now for something truly scary.... There is a sequel !
And the moment you have all been waiting for.... What film gets the dubious distinction as the Neumero Uno, The Big Kahuna, The Mack Daddy, most useless film of all time !
# 1. Perfect World: Sorry folks, I know there are lots of Kevin Costner fans among you all, but this one is el-stinko supreme ! In todays anything goes society where the buzz phrase, especially in Hollywood is "Live and let live," and do no one any harm this is unforgiveable. The stars today are into everything, and I mean everything. Nothing is taboo. Stars today accepted for any sexual orientation they like, any political affiliation including communist they wish, and any religious belief system they attach themselves to. Do not under any circumstances rally against anything, else you will hear about it in the form of boycott, colored ribbon worn on every occasion, or paid for by_____________(Insert sponsor here) television ad. Do not say anything is wrong with any lifestyle or choice because Hollywood has friends in high places and you will hear about it from them all. Then along comes Perfect World. Kevin Costner does a perfect imitation of the Egyptian Pharaoh of Noahs time by taunting the Supreme being of the Universe. Yeah, I know what you're saying... "Mikes getting all religious on us again", but this is unforgivable. K.C. goes against everything Hollywood stands for and opens up His big mouth in protest of one single religious set of beliefs and uses it to fuel the fires of this "movie." I have no respect for Kevin Costner because of this. He could have, should have taken one look at this script and passed. But he didn't, and I have had a Kevin Costner boycott in place ever since. There is no excuse for this. It is completely hypocritical at best, and blasphemous at least. The movie itself isn't even good, no message is implied or delivered. It is just a prime example of the earlier statement that Hollywood is really stretching to find things to make movies about.
There you have it. My choices for the worst of the worst. The golden raspberry award of rotten films. The scummy dross floating to the top of a vat of vile waste. The.... you get the idea. Now visit the other members in this write-off and see their choices. They are listed below.
susidee34, lonelyladyk, basilisk4, Azbrotha, ACDC11, mkp51, Sherrylee, Jeanniekerns, Pambo, Robertopaul, Mynameismir, Josh_G, scott29, sherrylee, and Norman1978 and of course the one you just read.
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roadiem
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About Me:
I'm a 41 year old auto mechanic who is hooked on Blues Music, and Phonics
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