Halloween Horror Movie Marathon from HELL!
Oct 31 '00 (Updated May 05 '01)
The Bottom Line A Horror Movie Write-Off and I'M not invited? Well then, guess I'll stay home and watch the ones I like!
While I am NOT a participant in this groovy Halloween write-off, I was so inspired by the all the reviews, I just had to barge in uninvited. As I made my way through all the entries so far, I was ready to explode. Please forgive me, as I can only assume that my invitation got lost in the mail.
Scott...must...make...horror...list.
10/31/2000 - The First Annual "Scott-only" Halloween Movie Marathon
12:30 am - In an effort to get into the pumpkiny mood, I pop in my DVD of the grand-daddy, John Carpenter's Halloween. Yeah, it's a ridiculously obvious choice, and I (and all true horror freaks) have seen it maybe a dozen times. But who cares? This movie is a true milestone for the genre, and a shining example of how horror movies can turn normal 12-year old boys into lifelong movie junkies. Not just a great horror movie, but a fantastic film. Period.
2:30 am - After pouring a 2-liter of Coke into a large bowl of ice, I settle down for another landmark horror movie that I truly adore, Friday the 13th. I'll never tire of the first four F13 movies, and yes I realize that these movies rate just above Bar Mitzvah videos as far as production values are concerned. The actors are often atrocious, and each movie is a thinly-veiled rip-off of the previous one, but (again) who cares? I speak for a large contingent of humans when I say this: "I LIKE watching fictional sluts and imbeciles being skewered by harpoons and hacksaws!" I suppose I'm preaching to the choir, so I'll just sit back now and enjoy this one, the genesis of the slasher film.
4:30 am - After repeatedly inserting my finger into a wall socket to retain consciousness, I crawl over to the couch to enjoy The Thing. Since this is one of my most beloved DVDs, I'd normally wait until later in the day to watch it, but I'll need the constant jolts to keep me awake until my coffee is done brewing. Absolutely everything works in this movie, especially John Carpenter's infusion of paranoia and claustrophobia. Plus, let's just talk about the gore here, people. As far as realistic and sloppily entertaining goo, no movie comes close. The visual effects in this movie are quite simply works of art. Perhaps gag-inducing art, but let's not split hairs here.
6:30 am - I return home from my 5-minute trip to Dunkin' Donuts and sit back down to remove three pounds of crust from my eyes. I down a large coffee in 37 seconds and slap myself repeatedly. It's now time for Pet Sematary. You simply have to respect a horror movie that goes this far to shock you. Out of respect for all the mommies who frequent Epinions, I'll not mention the scene where the four-year old boy gets squashed by a 25-ton truck. Oops. Well, you get the point. Add in a creepy but friendly Fred (Herman Munster!) Gwynne, and let's not forget that awful screeching crippled girl in the bedroom. Lots of people trash this one, but heck - That just leaves more for me!
8:30 am - Desperately clinging to my third wind, I beg my sister to put the Exorcist DVD in, claiming to be temporarily crippled by lack of sanity. But since she's going to work today, and can't sit home and watch horror movies with me all day, she's pretty damn crabby. Now maybe you don't think that 8:30 in the morning would be the best time to watch The Exorcist, but it suits my needs just fine. All thoughts of exhaustion fade away as I am brought back to my childhood, when I used to see Regan's face outside my window every night. True story. Every. Night. To this day, I still consider The Exorcist to be the scary movie.
10:30 am - After giving myself a quick saliva bath and eating some dry white bread, I'm beginning to feel pretty OK. I float over to the DVD player and pop in The Fog. (I'm not positive that this movie is out on DVD yet or not, but let's just chalk that up to writer's creative license, OK?) More creepy than scary, The Fog was a movie I just HAD to watch every single time it was on network TV. (Our VCR back then was a bulky 'top-loader' and I was afraid to use it ever since it took off Aunt Sylvia's pinky finger.) Call me a Carpenter drone, but I just love this one; the pounding score, the glowing fogbank, the red glowing eyes of the kelp-infested leper ghost pirate zombies, and especially the ultimate demise of the doddering old-lady babysitter. This is fun.
12:30 pm - Lunch consists of 7 teaspoons of table sugar, washed down with three dry packets of Crystal Light (Lemonade-flavored) and then I'm all set for Seven. OK, maybe it's not technically a horror movie, but hell - this is my list, right? This film just contains a sense of deep, dark dread and the finale is a true mind-blower. It's a visual feast, only what you're feasting at is pretty ugly indeed. I mean that as high praise. Plus, you gotta love a movie where it rains constantly!
2:30 pm - I ordered a pizza...When the guy came I beat him to death with the free Stepmom DVD I got when I bought the player. The weepy chick-flick was still unopened, so I think I can get away with the unfortunate homicide and return the DVD for a copy of Phantasm 2. Now happily eating pizza, I stuff the delivery guy down the garbage disposal and sit down to watch Hellraiser. What a joy this movie is. It's a nice feeling when you're watching a movie in which simply everyone dies. Novelist Clive Barker takes the reins and makes this movie a red, dripping, pulsating treat. It's a morality tale, and the script works on quite an intelligent level, but since I haven't slept in about 23 hours at this point, I just wanna see all those nasty hooks and chains doing their thing. Pinhead for president.
4:30 pm - I am now wearing only a hockey mask and a gigantic diaper. For some reason, I have Steak Sauce all over my face, and I'm watching Dawn of the Dead. For the first time since I've started this experiment, I feel a little off. For some disturbing reason, I find myself rooting for the zombies to just eat everyone once and for all. That cheesy 70's mall makes me laugh. I hear voices. I think my sister just got home from work. I put on a trenchcoat and hide in the corner. Those zombies can't eat me.
6:30 pm - That phone keeps ringing. People are knocking on my bedroom door. I smell things. Unpleasant things. Nobody will ever find me. I need something light. I watch The Omen. Devil boy. He's creepy. Damien is looking at me! My fevered mind is somehow impressed by all the creepy death scenes in this movie. The weather vane. The nanny at the window. The pane of glass! Yowich! I weep.
8:30 pm - I am evaporating. I can remember nothing of my former self, except that I once was human and also that AOL sucks. I reach a slime-covered tentacle up to the TV and turn on Alien. In a previous life, I counted this as one of my most beloved movie treasures. As a newly gelatinous mass, I can now only admire the hypnotic movie, helpless to turn away from the dinner table scene or click pause when things get too intense. If you could crawl into my childhood nightmares, this movie is what you'd see.
10:30 pm - One movie left before I can even begin to think of moving into an asylum for life. I have done my body and soul more harm than 1,000 blasphemies and 2,000 crack pipes could ever do. It's time for The Blair Witch Project. This movie does for trees what Jaws did for sharks. I know plenty of you out there will offer a derisive snort at this movie choice, but this movies leaves me numb and shaken every time I watch it. No, the stick-men themselves are not scary...it's what put them there that scares me. And the ending of BWP is so anti-sellout, that you can forgive the lack of closure. As Heather drops her camera on the floor, I slip into a coma for 32 hours. I dream of Freddy Krueger, who was offended to be left off my list.
---
Since I was really impressed by all the 'write-off' reviews I read, I highly recommend you check some of them out. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the participants, even though (again) I am a faker and I merely crashed this party. Hope that's OK. Several of these entries rank among the coolest things I've ever read here at Epinions.
Psychovant (Psycho in Charge)
annexation
BeeCharmer
Brundledan
carcharias
ChrisJarmick
ebrown2
Elerad
Erinys
Furie
hirohito99
i_culookn
Lambira
Lars_Lindahl
mangiotto
Mike_Bracken
MegaSoul
Memento-Mori
ObiWanJabroni
Wokelstein
ZentropaJK
Halloween is the one time of the year that we horror freaks can openly celebrate our obsession without being arrested or hit with a giant net. Get dressed up and scare someone tonight, or better yet - Get some people you like (spouse, sibling, offspring, life partner, your accountant) and sit them down on the couch. Turn down the lights and watch something creepy. Even if horror movies are not really your 'thing'. You may be pleasantly surprised.
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
scott29
|
 - Top 500 |
|
Location: Philadelphia
Reviews written: 457
Trusted by: 414 members
About Me:
Passionate, opinionated, and always on the lookout for the next great movie.
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.