Simon Belmont Loves You
Mar 23 '00 (Updated Apr 11 '00)
Simon Belmont loves you.
Sure, he may lust after that underaged, maiden-voiced, tiara wearing, breakin' queen, Princess Lana; but that silly ho don't love him, baby! She just doesn't understand that he's a man. A man with needs. He spends all day fighting the count, ridding the world of warwulfs that hop like bunnies, red skeletons that throw bones ripped from the loins of their very own bodies (only to RISE UP again after they've been whipped with a thorn whip only to be taken down again, ARRRGGHHH!) and vanquishing the dreaded CARMILLA! AAAHHHHH!!! And if he doesn't have a gold knife and a bag of laurels then god help him, because when that lesbian vampire face flies across the screen and cries tears of blood there's only one thing that can save him now (besides Dracula's Rib). The thought of your love.
But you don't love him, do you?
No, you want Kevin Keene and his I-wish-I-was-Mark-Paul-Gosselaar ass. What does Kevin have that Simon doesn't? Besides your undying love and the fact that you are willing to die on command for his mad skills at Mike Tyson's PUNCH OUT? Did he liberate Castlevania no less than two times from the vile clutches of Da Count? Does Keene come from a lineage of vampire hunters that includes the MVP of pain herself, that delectable pubic tart, Sonia Belmont? Can Kevin break it down all over the Counts ass like James Van Der Beak broke it down all over your sisters ass last summer? The answer to your questions are: No, No, Yes, Probably, Briefs and With Cheese.
Simon Belmont loves you. Get used to it, because that blonde haired, square jawed simp is just going to hang outside of your house and serenade you by playing White Wedding on his Casio SA-39 until you finally relent.
Or at least until they let his ass back into the Palace of Power.
*intermission*
Sniff! Snifferiffic...Instant Quaker Oatmeal (Snifferiffic)
*/intermission*
You're probably wondering what the above tirade had to do with the top ten movies of 1999. Hell, you're probably wondering what Simon Belmont has to do with ANYTHING, right? Well, truthfully, nothing. But truth be told, I'd rather play Castlevania 2 than decipher which movies deserve to be included into MY top ten list out of all of the drivel that came out last year.
"uh...uh...American Beauty...uh...Magnolia...The Insider"
Yeah, I can hear you saying that right now. Yeah, well I didn't SEE any of those movies because a.>I'm a guy b.>I have the attention span of a four-year-old and c.>See a and b. So, now that we understand each other let's get the ball rolling. Here's the Top Ten for 1999 based on the movies I actually saw (most or all of which did not come out in 1999 some of which aren't even movies).
10. Sleepaway Camp II:Had my baby Pamela Springsteen as the main psycho. Also, this is hands down the sickest horror movie I've ever seen, but then again the only horror movies I've seen start with either Halloween or Friday the 13th. So I haven't seen much. Therefore my comments are probably invalid. Well, any movie that has a scene where a girl gets stabbed in the back and then shoved down an outhouse only to be drowned and eaten by the leaches inhabiting the disgusting water inside is pretty frickin' SICK!
Oh...wait...sorry. Actually I saw this movie a few weeks ago and not in 1999. So it doesn't quite qualify. Let's try this again.
10. Dirty Work: Do you remember Norm Macdonald? Yeah, yeah, yeah...he's on NORM and all that, but do you remember the REAL Norm Macdonald? I mean before ABC washed his face, cleaned the gunk out of his eye, cut his hair and dolled him up for the mass market. I'm talking about the ASS (2, 3, 4) HOLE Norm from such favorites as Weekend Update and, uh, Weekend Update. Well the Norm that's in this movie is the Norm we were all weaned on. Sure, sure ABC's Norm is funny and, hey, we all love Nikki Cox (for obvious reasons), but he's just not his usual assholy (uh) self.
Postnote: Oh, a little HA HA goes out to the current cast members of SNL for snubbing the main man only to have their show fall into the shitter once he left. Good luck on future endeavors boys and girls! OH and Tim? The Ladies Man movie is REALLY going to rip up the box office. *snicker* It won't be another It's Pat! *snicker* No, really!
9. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: Th' Main Man, Terry Gilliam (or as you punks refer to him as that weird looking mo'fo from Monty Python) breaks the shi0at down on Hunter Thompsons novel about freakin out on some good stuff in the early seventies. There was also some social commentary and a general disillusion with the American Dream that was lost on my illiterate ass, but, hey you read the book if you want to get deep with that stuff. What I'm saying is I liked it, I don't know why. Stop bothering me.
8. Over the Top: Sly Stallone at his best. Sure its a movie about a PROFESSIONAL ARM WRESTLER (BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!). Sure there's a little Kramer vs. Kramer thing going on with his estranged son (well, actually a more appropriate analogy would probably be Dutch or Fatherhood or something). Sure its a movie that wants us to take it seriously but actually shows a scene where a big burly trucker/PROFESSIONAL ARM WRESTLER (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) actually DRINKS a quart of MOTOR OIL (to prove he's cool, I guess) and doesn't drop dead of poisoning but, in fact, gains the strength to defeat his various opponents like he's Popeye or something. Sure it has Robert Loggia (the kindly old boss from Tom Hanks BIG) in it. Sure this movie was made after Rocky I, II, III and IV yet manages to have the SAME plot. Sure it wasn't as jaw dropingly awesome as Cobra or OSCAR or Judge Dread. But hey if it's a TBS Sunday afternoon favorite, it's a favorite of mine.
7. The Professional: The BEST Gary Oldman movie I've seen, probably because it's the ONLY Gary Oldman movie I've seen aside from Bram Stokers Dracula, The Fifth Element and Air Force One. All of which featured stock Hollywood characters that any second-string freaky looking actor from Steve Buschemi to John Malkovitch could have played. I'll forgive the fact that its FRENCH (AHHH!!) and that it has some FRENCH people in it. I'll also forgive the fact that it has an 11 year old Natalie Portman in various states of undress which makes you feel like a sick son of a motherless goat (sorry the word *I* wanted to use is not allowed) and completely destroys any and all fantasies you have of her now that she's legal and luscious. Shrudder. But it did have the things us real men like about movies. Guns. Death. Violence. Blood. Rouge Cops. More Death. Hookers. "Made" Men. Danny Aiello. Hitmen. Silencers. Unlimited Ammo. God Mode (IDDQD). Infinite lives. SWAT team. Code Blue. 1014. 187. 227. Amen. And Jean Reno as an ugly French bad-ass disproving the theory that all Frenchies are a bunch of vaguely smelly, pompous, black turtleneck wearing assholes.
6. Wild Things: God Bless America! Land that I love! Only in America can we have a movie which uses a clever device called a "plot" as an excuse to have DENISE RICHARDS get naked with NEVE CAMBELL for some All American HOT LESBIAN ACTION!! Yeah! You know you love this country. Did anyone really see this movie for its "Hitchcockian" themes? Am I the only one who saw this movie for the promised three-way and the promised two-way for a little one-way after the movie was over? I thought not. See, this is how horny guys are. Even though we have the greatest porn resource in the world (and if you think the internet is here for any other reason then I have a nice bridge I'd like to sell you) we'll sit through two hours of a forced, convoluted, MTV soaked plot just to see two hot chicks get it on for about forty-five seconds of screen time. Oh, I'm sorry Jennifer, did you take the movie seriously? Well John McNaughton is laughing at you, dear. See, he was afraid that people would take the movie seriously and that's why he added in BILL MURRAY as da-sleazy-but-still-funny-cause-its-Bill-Murray-lawyer to inform you that, yes Virginia, this is a movie that only contains one scene worth your time.
5. Resident Evil 3 Nemesis: Hey! Do you like playing with yourself? Well, I know I do. And when I play, I turn to my trusty playstation. Sure, its a console system and, yeah, unlike the PC they'll never have anything as nifty keen as MYST or RIVEN or TNN OUTDOORS PRO HUNTER (that uses the UNREAL engine), but when it comes to mindless zombie blasting entertainment nothing can compare with the Resident Evil series on the Playstation. In the third installment you play as Jill Valentine, the curvaceous heroine from the first game. While she's no Lara Croft, 9 out of 10 geeks agree that she ranks #4 on the list of Cartoon Chicks I Want to Bang (The Incredibly Hot, Subtly Sexy Irma from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being ranked at #1 in a TIGHT race with Velma from Scooby Doo who recieved a not-too-Shaggy #2). She's changed a little this time around. Gone are the saucy blue beret and the snazzy STARS uniform that seemed to melt around her gorgeous thighs in such a fashion it made you say "Yes suh, that is one FINE lookin' offi-suh". This time around Jill is stylishly dressed in a revealing "strapless" blue blouse and a black mini-skirt that would have been perfect for a night of dancing and snorting at Studio 54 or crawling around the sewers and alleyways of Raccoon City while carefully avoiding the 8 foot, biological pimp daddy that is The Nemesis. But wait a second...what's this? The Nemesis is stylin' too! Wearing only a black trenchcoat (and nothing else), the Bad Boy of Raccoon City leaves nothing to the imagination. When Jill is not mixing her own ammo with GUNPOWDER A and a RELOADING TOOL she's trying to get out of this American town (that looks strangely Japanese) by going down various alleyways, entering local restaurants filled with gas, wandering around the cemetery/recreational park and finally taking a tour of the sewage plant. She also has to solve various cryptic puzzles around town such as a music box puzzle with a tune that'll leave you HAUNTED! And when she's not doing THAT, she's mixing various items like OIL ADDITIVE with MACHINE OIL to make MIXED OIL (YEAH BOY!!!). Now, if that doesn't sound cool try this on for size. They actually speak!!! No kidding people. B and C movie actors lend their voices for this one making for a truly cinematic experience.
*intermission*
At Playskool we know kids love our dinosaurs because they made them the most popular ones in history. We love Playskool dinosaurs they're big and strong and tough; spines and teeth and tails. Jaws and horns and sails. We can play with them real rough. And now we made eight more just as big and realistic with parts that move and cavesters too. Playskool's Definitely Dinosaurs. Playskool's dinosaurs, they're big and strong and tough, we can play with them real rough.
Arrggh! Scared you didn't I?
*/intermission*
4. Princess Academy: Leonard Maltin sez: Allegedly titillating comedy about young women at a Swiss school who compare notes on losing virginity and snaring rich husbands. I say: Titillating comedy about young women at a Swiss School who compare notes on losing virginity and snaring rich husbands. True this movie came out before most of you were born (in the year of our lord 1987). It's also true that this was yet another, in the endless line of T & A flicks that had such imaginative titles as Ninja Academy, Meatballs 4, Ski Academy, Ski School, Ski School II (two shades of blue), Ski Bunnies, Ski Lodge, Ski Shoes, That-thing-they-pin-on-your-jacket-when-you-use-the-Ski-Lift. Princess Academy is a movie that looks like it came straight from the brain Richard Gabai. YOU DONT KNOW RICHARD GABAI?!? The genius behind Virgin High? It's semi-sequel Hot Under the Collar? Kickboxing Academy? Assault of the Party Nerds I and II? Then, my friend, you don't know comedy. Let's take a look at his greatest masterpiece Virgin High. Oh. Wait. I'll do Virgin High next, let's finish up Princess Academy. Key Comedy scenes in this movie include the girls screwing with the bitchy girl by putting itching powder in her tampons, screwing up her chances at hot sex and messing with the headmaster, AVA GABOR! You know, the Green Acres chick. The only other things I remember about this film was that there's this typical 80s song during the end credits that has a Tiffany-esque sound to it. It goes something like "Gold Card, Diamonds make the world go round...", after the chorus there's some vaguely B-52s like guy screaming nonsensical words in the background. Pretty standard actually.
3. Virgin High: If you haven't heard of Richard Gabai then...well...you're something. I don't know what, but you are definitely something. Negative, that is. Anyway this is the classic tale of Boy meets girl, boy tries to do girl in the back seat of his dads car, girl tells boy she's "not ready" but loses a few buttons in the process, Girl comes home and flashes ROBIN from the BATMAN TELEVISION SERIES (a.k.a. her dad) due to lost buttons, Robin believing his daughter to be a damn dirty slu...sexually liberal, sends her to a CATHOLIC BORDING SCHOOL (a.k.a. Virgin High), Daughter tries to cope with the strict policy of pleated green skirts, nuns, daily prayer and RANDOM ACTS OF SEX WITH LINNEA QUIGLEY AND HER PIECE OF MAN MEAT. Boy tries to win girl back by posing as a PRIEST and making random gestures that are supposed to resemble the signs of the cross. Girl and other girls decide to WASH cars for no reason except to wash cars and to call Leslie Mann (Big Daddy) "the Squiggle Girl". Boy attends big end of the year dance along with Girls parents in hopes to win girl back for good. Girl exposes Linnea Quigley for the slu...uh, sexually unfrustrated (??)person that she is. Girl returns home. Boy and boys friends walk though the desert and talk about their adventure at Virgin High while talking about becoming an "amateur gynecologist". Boy high-fives friends and movie ends in freeze-frame. Boys' band, THE CHECKS play self-made song Sparks From a Flame during the end credits. Song leaves JD SHAOLIN (me) totally tortured as it is actually a rather cool song but since the band is of RICHARD GABAIs own creation (uh, he's in the band) it probably only still exists on a few extra cassettes in the trunk of his '82 Honda Civic. Oh yeah, did I mention that Richard Gabai is not only the composer of SPARKS FROM A FLAME but he's also the boy in the film as well as the DIRECTOR. Now how cool is that? If you do see this film or its sequel, pay close attention to Gabai's buddies. A CARROT TOP clone and some non-descript minority. Is he Black? Is he Puerto Rician? Is he Italian? Who can say. But that kind of stuff only concerns white people anyway, so if you're not white, don't worry about it. On a semi-unrelated note: Richard Gabai made a semi sequel to this film called Hot Under the Collar that had virtually the same plot excpet this time it was about diamond (?) thieves hiding out at a convent and it actually didn't have anything to do with VIRGIN HIGH at all. But Gabai played the same character and it did have *BURT WARD (*ROBIN FROM THE BATMAN TELEVISION SERIES) again, this time as a PRIEST or something.
2a. Maxim Magazine October 1999: Oh sweet, sweet Maxim, how do I love thee. No other magazines proudly display beer, sex and women with quite the enthusiasm that you do. You're as giddy as a 14-year-old boy who just found his dads porn and pot collection whose parents are away on an 18-hour business trip in Maine. You tell me that life is good because of two things. Women and beer. But I digress. October 1999 was a very special time for me. I finally got to see Melissa Joan Hart 3/4 naked. Sure, she's kind of a frumpy girl. Sure, she plays an incredibly WHOLESOME character on TV (WHOLESOME and SEX do not mix. This has been a public Service Announcement from JD SHAOLIN). Sure she reminds everyone of that girl in your senior class that has hella school spirit and you've written off as being ASEXUAL. But there's one thing you are forgetting. She was Clarrisa. I don't know if you know this (actually how WOULD you know this?) but I'm a big big fan of Clarrisa Explains it All. That early 90's Nickelodeon show about that girl who, well, I'm not exactly sure what she did, or what the show was about but, I liked it. God bless Maxim. Who else can turn a girl from plain and mousy to HOT N' SEXY with the addition of a little makeup and the removal of a few (or all) choice pieces of clothing? Maxim? I salute you good sir. You've made my roommates and I very happy young men. Keep up the good work!
2b. Blaster Master: I don't know if you'll ever read this but, I love this game. The touching story of a young man who watches his pet frog drink from a radioactive carton of radiation that happens to be lying in his driveway. The young man then travels after the frog, which has disappeared down a steep hole that his mysteriously appeared. At the bottom of the hole lies a tank-like weapon and battle armor. He then fights his way through 8 levels of sheer terror as he goes from a forest like level to an alien like setting searching for his pet frog. There are plenty of power-ups and upgrades for his tank but he must defeat a "boss" first. Eventually gets to the final stage and faces the BIG BOSS only to win. In the end he sits on a mountain ridge in his new tank with his pet frog and they watch the sun set. Touching. Here are some tips from the founding members of the US National Video Game Team.
Donn Nauert:
In Blaster Master this trick will let you wipe out the bosses at the end of levels 2, 4, 6 and 7. Toss a grenade and at the very instant it hits the creature press the start button to pause, wait at least one minute (or 1:15)......Hit the start button to unpause and the boss is destroyed.
Jim Allee:
Here's the third boss. You must attack him with bombs. He multiplies.
Once you've defeated the third boss you get the hover this allows you to hover in the air.
1. South Park: Bigger Longer Uncut:
I will do the German Dance for you,
it's fun, it's gay tra la la la,
I hope you will enjoy my dance,
triddle la la la la...hey!
The preceding probably should not have been read by anyone under the age of 37. Viewer Discretion was advised.
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Epinions.com ID:
jd_shaolin
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Member: J.D. Shaolin
Location: Brazil
Reviews written: 34
Trusted by: 2 members
About Me:
Freelance Freedom Fighter/Hippie Chick
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