The 5 Best Films I've Ever Detested! (mkp51's "Worst Movies Ever" write-off review)
Nov 12 '00 (Updated Nov 10 '06)
The Bottom Line The worst of the best movies ever made... at least in my opinion!
This review is my submission to the "Worst Movies Ever" write-off hosted by fellow Epinionator pambo. It's also the very first write-off I've ever participated in, so if I haven't done this right...I humbly beg your indulgence...
When I was first invited by pambo to participate in this "Worst Movies Ever" write-off, thought to myself: "Whoa! This is gonna be easy! The worst movies of all time...I shouldn’t have any problem coming up with that list...
I've been an avid moviegoer since I was six years old, and I've always tended to gravitate toward the really good movies. I'm sure you know the kind I mean...movies we refer to today as "classics." Films like Doctor Zhivago. The Sound of Music. Lawrence of Arabia. Patton. The Godfather. That’s where I’ve always found my favorite actors and my greatest source of entertainment.
But, I have to confess...I have indeed seen some real cinematic "dogs" in my life. So, it would probably be a pretty straightforward exercise to develop a nice, bland list of the bad movies I've seen over the years. Films like Feds, an inane comedy about female FBI trainees who "get their man;" or Stranger On My Land, another one of those plodding, cliché-ridden films about a Vietnam vet fighting his own personal battles with the world in which he lives; or Rude Awakening, another blathering attempt at comedy, about 1960's hippies who suddenly wake up from a coma and find themselves in the "Yuppie" world of the late 1980’s. I could probably add a few other obscure movies that I've seen which, to put it as delicately as I can, stink to high heaven!! A list like that would be easy. And safe.
But, I don't always like doing things the easy, safe way. For my first write-off, I thought it would be a good idea to add a little twist to the proceedings, to be a bit more daring and unconventional. I decided to draw up a list of what I call the "Five Best Movies I’ve Ever Detested."
You may be wondering: "The "Five Best Movies He's Ever Detested?? What does he mean by that?!?" Well, my idea is pretty simple. Since nearly all my movie-watching is devoted to the really "good" films, why not write about the five movies of excellence for which I've developed the greatest loathing over the years?
Two criteria governed me as I developed my list. First, the movie had to be considered "good" by the public at large. After much consideration, I determined that the best objective measurement of a high quality film was to be found in the awards it has either won or been nominated for. So, my first criteria: The film in question must have either won or been nominated for an American Academy Award® (Oscar®) in at least one of the major categories: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor/Actress, Best Supporting Actor/Actress, or Best Screenplay.
My second criteria was simpler and a lot more subjective. I just had to hate the movie.
So, my friends, without further ado, here's my surprisingly short list of those movies, in chronological order, that everyone else in the cinematic universe says is really good...but that I consider to be the worst films ever!!
BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY (1989) Tom Cruise, Willem Dafoe
The first (and only) time I watched this Oliver Stone film, which is purported to be a cinematic autobiography of anti-Vietnam war activist Ron Kovic, I thought it was over-long and over-acted, and I just wanted it to be over. Period. By the time the film's closing credits began to roll, my jaws ached from gritting my teeth so hard in anger and frustration. I mean really...two paralyzed vets (Tom Cruise, Willem Dafoe) in wheelchairs racing each other, then rolling around in the dust fighting?!? Gimme a break!! This film comes off as nothing more than one man's self-absorbed attempts to resolve his personal angst about the Vietnam war on the silver screen, aided and abetted by a highly over-rated director and a grossly under-achieving cast. Academy Award® winner, Best Director (Oliver Stone); 6 Academy Award® nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor (Tom Cruise)
NIXON (1995) Anthony Hopkins, Joan Allen
Here's a perfect example of how to take outstanding performances by actors and totally negate them through what can only be described as gross artistic and technical malfeasance. Anthony Hopkins (as Richard Nixon), Joan Allen (as Pat Nixon), and Paul Sorvino (as Henry Kissinger) give powerful performances, but director/screenwriter Oliver Stone (who else?!) completely spoils their efforts with his positively weird use of camera angles, oddly placed scenes, and his blatant attempt to re-write history. What remains is a completely disjointed, disorganized mess; a highly sensational and fictionalized study of a dark and brooding soul, told in such a way as to do a terrible injustice to performers, moviegoers, and history alike. On top of everything else, Nixon is far too long, moves too slowly, and is a complete bore. Even poor old Dick Nixon, for all his flaws, deserves better than this!! 4 Academy Award® nominations, including Best Actor (Hopkins) and Best Supporting Actress (Allen)
THE ENGLISH PATIENT (1996) Ralph Fiennes, Kristen Scott-Thomas
The "English Patient" (Ralph Fiennes) is actually a Hungarian Count, horribly burned in an airplane crash, and waiting to die in a bombed-out, deserted Italian monastery. He’s being cared for by a Canadian nurse (Juliette Binoche), who falls in love with him. The English Patient/Hungarian Count spends the bulk of this film recounting his torrid and illicit love affair with the beautiful Katherine Clifton (Kristen Scott-Thomas). All this as the world begins to be consumed by World War II. In the midst of it all creeps a mysterious man (Willem Dafoe) bent on revenge... A sprawling, romantic story told very badly, The English Patient doesnt just "sprawl;" it mind-numbingly crawls - snail-like - from its opening to closing credits. Winner of 9 Academy Awards®, including Best Picture, Best Director (Anthony Minghella)
THE THIN RED LINE (1998) Nick Nolte, Sean Penn
How many clichés about war can you stuff into three hours? Apparently a lot, judging from this film. Let's just see what we have here...the hard-nosed but fair general (John Travolta) orders the hard-nosed but obsessed lieutenant colonel (Nick Nolte) to order the hard-nosed but compassionate sergeant major (Sean Penn) to take his platoon full of misfits up an enemy infested hill...where they promptly get their butts kicked, but ultimately prevail. Do I have that right? Is anyone else confused?! All this is spread out over a relentless, three-hour long tattoo of unnecessary and gratuitously bloody battle scenes, interspersed with artsy-schmartsy dream sequences and beautiful shots of South Pacific real estate. 7 Academy Award® nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director (Terence Malick)
AMERICAN BEAUTY (1999) Kevin Spacey, Annette Bening
I’ve recently written an Epinions review entitled "No American Beauty: An Open Letter to Steven Spielberg," in which I elaborate, quite eloquently, I might add, on my reasons for absolutely despising this film. So, I won't bore you any further, except to say: despite its artistic brilliance, it's nothing more than a lame attempt at social commentary, and a film completely devoid of anything resembling comedy, despite its billing as such. Why people like this film, I'll never know... Winner of 5 Academy Awards®, including Best Picture, Best Director (Sam Mendes), and Best Actor (Kevin Spacey)
There you have it...my paean of "reverse praise" for the "5 Best Films I've Ever Detested." Every one of 'em an Academy Award winner or nominee, and the recipient of rave critical reviews. And yet for me, despite all the adulation heaped upon them, these so-called cinematic "masterpieces" are bad-tasting medicine for my movie-going soul.
My sincere thanks and appreciation go to pambo for graciously inviting to me to the party! Please check out the reviews of these other fine Epinionators (excellent writers all!!) who are also participating in this write-off: susidee34, lonelyladyk, basilisk4, Azbrotha, ACDC711, roadiem, sherrylee, jeanniekerns, pambo, robertopaul, mynameismir, Josh_G, and Norman1978.
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Epinions.com ID:
mkp51
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Location: Midcoast Maine
Reviews written: 187
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