The best newspaper that I never read
Written: Jul 23 '00 (Updated Jul 23 '00)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: The hardest, regularly published crossword
Cons: It's impossible
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| WulfsDen's Full Review: The Guardian |
Every day that I lived in Britain, I bought the Guardian. I started when I went to college, and continued until the day that I accidentally caught a plane to New York, having mistaken it for the last train to Manchester. I might have noticed that the food was better than the usual British Rail fare, if I hadn't had my head buried in the paper.
On all my visits back to England, it is the first thing I buy at Heathrow on arriving, and usually the last thing I buy before I leave. This seems like a lot of devotion to give to what is essentially, high-quality kitty litter. You see that despite my fine buying habits, and my casual look of intellectual superiority, I have never actually read the Guardian, except for one soccer report long, long ago.
Now, I assume that it is a very fine paper. The people, who see me with it and attempt conversations, usually seem well read and civilized. When, moments after I bought it, I dump it on the nearest table, the folks that fight over it, do so in the most genteel sort of way, using epithets, repartee and banter rather than fisticuffs. Why then, would an impoverished student, soon to become an impoverished ex-student, waste the price of a much-needed coffee every day?
To understand this phenomenon, you must understand two things. One, I am not very interested in the news. Each day, people are born and people die. Wars start and peace is declared. Thieves steal, politicians lie, lawyers cheat, a rock star takes drugs, a famous actor dates a hooker, and British soccer fans wreck another town in Europe in a hopelessly misunderstood re-enactment of D-day. Every five years or so, the USA runs two wealthy clones for high office, and spends millions trying to persuade us that there is some meaningful difference. The news is always the same, and mostly dismal. Yes the actual names and places change to provide variety, but, unless you are planning to compete on Jeopardy, you don't really need to know.
The second part of the mystery is simple. I LOVE crossword puzzles, and yes, for those who were wondering when I would mention the paper again, the Guardian has the hardest, regularly published, English style crossword puzzle. Now, you see that although I bought the whole paper every day, I was interested in only a single page - actually about a quarter of the page, but you do need places to scribble.
Now just before all you crossword puzzle fans rush to buy one, and return tomorrow to lynch me, there are two points to note. One: it is an English style crossword. Two: it is impossibly difficult. I usually complete New York Times puzzle over lunch, but, although I have been doing the Guardian puzzle for over thirty years, I have yet to complete one by myself. True, long ago, I used to dine with a couple of linguistic professors, a Nobel Prize runner up, and a guy who designed operating systems in his head. We could usually finish one every lunch hour. Since then, I once got down to three unanswered clues, and treated myself to a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and half a cow.
The first difference between the Guardian and the New York Times, is that the puzzle only crosses every second letter. You don't get a big block of words that you can fill in to help solve a clue you don't know. To finish the puzzle, you have to solve every clue. Secondly, there are many different types of clues, but you do not know what kind it is until you solve it. Let me show you.
1. Wash all over (5).
This is a straight clue. The number always means the number of letters. The answer of course is BATHE. If you didn't know that then don't even think about the Guardian puzzle, and, while we are at it, don't stand near me.
2. In Bali, I arrange for a cover story (5)
This is, of course, an anagram. The answer is ALIBI. It is the letters of "Bali I" rearranged and it means "a cover story." These kind of clues always have some kind of buzzword - sort, arrange, etc. - that warns you it is an anagram. These are usually the easiest sort of clues to solve. Mind you, some people find 13-letter anagrams tricky.
3. Both a gentleman's grip and a lady's purse may contain an endangered species (5)
This is a contained in clue. The answer is of course, PANDA. It is "contained in" the phrase griP AND A lady's... These clues also usually contain a buzzword to warn you. Watch out for words like "back" or "up," which may indicate to look for the letters backward, from right to left.
4. Kitchen tool one needed to introduce the first snake to the first lady (5)
This is a wordplay clue. The word one in a clue often means the letter I. It introduces, i.e. goes between, the first snake, (in this case the letter S,) and the first lady (Eve). The answer is SIEVE, and it is a Kitchen Tool.
5. Part of a foot breaks off at breakfast (4, 6)
This is a multipart clue. To solve it you solve the pieces. Part of a foot, is CORN. Breaks off, is FLAKES. Breakfast is CORN FLAKES.
There are other types of clue, but these give you a good idea of how an English style, crossword puzzle works. Many British papers have them, but the Guardian is the worst, er... I mean the best. In addition to the obscure clues, they use very long and difficult words. They usually make sure you don't get the first letter from a crossing clue, and often crosses only reveal vowels. Reading your dictionary is rarely helpful.
Now naturally, the kind of people who come up with these puzzles must be protected from society. The Guardian does that by giving them a secret identity. They have names like, Nimrod, Lavengro, and Bunthorne. Some compilers are easier than others are, and, in time, you develop favorites. I have never got the hang of Bunthorne, a person who could well be a reincarnation of Torquemada. I bought one at Heathrow once, and after nine hours of intense work, interrupted only by airline food substitute, I had managed to solve three clues.
So, what kind of person are you? Do you sneer at MENSA members and consider them inferior? Have you ever asked why it took so long to translate the Rosetta Stone? Do you like to write poems that rhyme in both Russian and Chinese simultaneously? Then the Guardian Crossword is right up your alley.
Here is one to think about while you wait.
6. Below! Below! Below! (10)
Let's see who can post the first correct answer in the comments.
Recommended:
Yes
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