Altoids Smalls. Like Kurtz said. The Horror.
Written: Nov 01 '09
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Product Rating:
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Pros: little and cute
Cons: taste like diet candy. zero satisfaction
The Bottom Line: Stick with regular Altoids. Altoids Smalls are little and cute but they are full of artificial stuff and don't satisfy.
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| Horswispr's Full Review: Altoids Smalls Peppermint Mints 12 Tins (WRIGLEY) |
My world temporarily fell apart the other night. Trader Joes was out of Altoids. Altoids are Callard and Bowser's excellent little "curiously strong" mints that taste great and make your breath minty fresh. I suck on them during the day. The kids I work with raid my desk in search of them. They are a part of our routine.
Seeing a tiny tin of "Altoids Smalls" on the Impulse Purchase Shelf near the check-out counter, I asked the checker (really nice, as TJs checkers generally are) If they were the same as Altoids, only smaller. They were, he assured me.
The next morning, I decided to try one. The tin is tiny and cute. I was hopeful. When I opened the tin I discovered that they were inviting little pillows, less than 1/4 the size or regular Altoids. I was even more hopeful. But as soon as I popped one into my mouth, I knew something was terribly wrong. The initial curiously stong "bite" was there, but gone was much of the delightful chalky texture. And, more importantly, there was no sense of sugar satisfaction. A wave of sadness overcame me.
As I drove into work, that first Altoids Small still in my mouth, things did not change. The satisfaction factor was gone. Might I have purchased a "sugar free" product? I felt a headache coming on.
When I got home, I gave an Altoids Small to my pet laboratory rat and he rolled over and died instantly. I decided to check the ingredients. For comparison puposes, the ingredients of regular Altoids are as follows:
sugar
gum arabic
natural flavor (oil of peppermint)
gelatin
The first ingredient I read on the back of Altoids Smalls tin was Sorbitol. The horror. I Googled Sorbitol and read (on Wikipedia):
Sorbitol, also known as glucitol, is a sugar alcohol that the human body metabolises slowly. It is obtained by reduction of glucose changing the aldehyde group to an additional hydroxyl group.
I said it again. The horror. Hydroxyls will not do when one is expecting aldehydes. I read on:
Sorbitol is a sugar substitute after used in diet foods (including diet drinks and ice cream) and sugar-free chewing gum, mints and cough syrups.
My worst fears were confirmed. I had purchased a sugar free diet product. As my pet rat began to stiffen, I read the rest of the ingredients. Wheat maltodexitrin. Artificial flavors. Magnesium sterate. I had to stop.
It was only then that I turned the tin upright again and saw what I had missed in my check-out haste: "sugar free." I hurled the tin across the room, shattering my Grandmother's 19th Century Deruta salad bowl.
Then I read: 35% fewer calories than our regular mints. I decided to do some math. A serving of regular Altoids is three mints. Three mints contain 10 calories. Each mint lasts aboout 30 minutes if you don't bite (an Altoids Small lasts only about 5). I probably go through 10 Altoids in any given day. That's about 33 calories. So by munching on Altoid Smalls, one could save about 10 calories a day.
As I continued to mumble Kurtz's famous last words, my mind was suddenly flooded with the image of someone going to McDonalds, getting a Big Mac Special, and then returning to the office to drink a diet soda and enjoy one of these "diet Altoids."
Do I recommend Altoids Smalls?
I hope I never see another tin of Altoids Smalls so long as I live. For the record, they cost about $1.19 at Trader Joes for a tin of 50. There are 47 left in my tin and they are heading straight for the dumpster.
To their credit, had Altoids Smalls not found their way into my bag at Trader Joes, I wouldn't have learned that Sorbitol is found in some cigarettes, nor that it can be used (along with potassium nitrate) in rocket fuel.
Come to think of it, maybe I'll keep my tin. I'll never put another Altoids Small into my mouth, but there are alternatives:
Sorbitol can be used as a non-stimulant laxative as either an oral suspension or suppository. It works by drawing water into the large intestine, thereby stimulating bowel movements.
The horror.
Recommended:
No
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