Ok, so I know I have this annoyingly bad habit of watching movies that have been watched and BEEN reviewed eighty billion times over, but with this one I just couldn’t help my poor self.

So, it starts out with a cutesy scene of Charlize Theron and Depp as a happy, Hallmark card married couple. He’s a blonde astronaut (oh, you didn‘t know?) and she’s a 2nd grade teacher. All is well with the world *twinkle twinkle twinkle.* But then, on a mission into space, Depp and his partner lose contact with mission control for 2 minutes and they come back… changed.

Okay, that’s the first ten minutes… now what….

Most people can deduce from reading the back of the box that an alien has in some way infected Depp. His partner comes back from the trip acting very strangely, but Depp seems to be just fine. And that’s part of what makes this movie so annoying within itself- there are no signs of the evil brewing inside actually coming from Depp’s character until the last fifteen minutes of the film. No, they leave it almost solely to Theron’s character Jillian, a woman who put the two dots above the letter I in the word “naïve,” to build suspense for the audience. *sigh*

And so this movie plods on. The rest seems to be the place between the beginning of this movie and the end, a dark and BORING place, where no real plot actually happens ever. It draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags (kind of like my reviews Ha!)

Hints are dropped at the audience but they are so easy to pick up on that it becomes totally unbelievable that supposedly bright schoolteacher Jillian hasn’t figured out the whole deal here. Anyone within earshot of this movie playing, even if they aren’t actually watching the film, knows only too soon what‘s really behind the black curtain.

I mean, if there’s something even the least bit pivotal that the audience is supposed to pick up on, the camera will focus right on that spot or item and blur the background so you just can‘t EVER miss it. They might as well take a neon light-adorned arrow and point it right at the clue, while having some guy drawing a diagram off to the side... They could’ve exposed this entire film in less than half an hour and that STILL would’ve given them lots of time to spare for previews and maybe even a tuna salad sandwich. Apparently someone is taking the basic movie viewing public to be a bunch of class-A maroons.

So, you get to spend about an hour watching Jillian NOT GET IT, tirelessly labor over whether or not to listen to the voice in the back of her head screaming “WAKE UP! DAM-MIT!“ in between asking over and over again “What happened in those two minutes Spencer??“ with that wide eyed look on her face that seems to be so popular in her roles.
And then when she does finally get that clue because of the truth being shoved blaringly in her face, she just acts even more stupid. It’s just so maddening to watch.

I guess I should try to understand, I mean, her husband has been taken over by evil aliens and she is now linked to them (not gonna tell how, can’t give it all away, just in case someone doesn’t believe this review and wants to see for themselves how bad this thing actually is) so I should have some empathy. But still. The act(ing) can only go so far like this, and keeping it up as they did should be in violation of some kind of law, like attempted murder for boring and subsequently frustrating people to death.

The other thing that makes this movie so far-fetched is that these guys worked for NASA. NASA is supposed to employ REALLY SMART PEOPLE, yes? If some of their guys came back and there were errors with their bio tests after a two-minute communication outage, and they were displaying freaky behavior etc… If something was actually wrong with these men, shouldn’t some of these RCOKET SCIENTISTS have figured it out already? Isn’t that part of what space travel is for, to learn if we really are all alone in the universe? Did the aliens slip these dudes a twenty on the way out the door? If this represents our country’s elite in the brainpower department, then we are all doomed and I hope the aliens come and take it all over because obviously, we need some major help.

Finally you get that oh so wonderful ending, the kind that just isn’t good, literally. What you WANT to happen doesn’t, and what does happen just totally stinks. And they even pull that trick where they let you think it’s going to be all right for 2 seconds and then yank it back again. Actually, they do that several times in the film and it sucks too. Like dangling a good movie in front of your eyes and then suddenly replacing it with Teletubbies episodes.

This film has the kind of ending that makes you read the box merely to find out the running time of the film just for the sole purpose of being able to look back and mutter the words, “Damn, I wasted 110 minutes for that??”

It’s getting harder and harder for me to watch Johnny Depp in any movies nowadays. He just sort of gives me the creeps anymore, like he has a twitch and a glare that just says "I really want to kill (or at least maim) something." And this movie was absolutely no exception, and not just because he is evil with a really bad fake southern drawl that fits him like Woody Allen would fit a "Die Hard" sequel. It just never was, nor will be, a good idea...

(See that look on Charlize's face on the cover of the box? THAT IS THE MOVIE. The end. Roll Credits. Be kind, rewind. Scratch your butt.)



Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older