B to the E does not equal mc squared
Written: Dec 22 '04
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Ummm. Ummm. Ummm. I guess none.
Cons: Tastes like waste products from a petrochemical plant. More...
The Bottom Line: (insert sounds of barfing, flushing toilets, uncontrolled flatulence, dying animals, and the howling pain of heartbreak of psoriasis)
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| mrkstvns's Full Review: B To the E 2406c |
Every now and then, a new product comes out that is so innovative, so useful, so intelligently thought out that a consumer can't help but say, "I must buy that!" What this has to do with Anheuser-Busch's latest gimmick, B to the E, I'm not sure, because nobody in their right mind would ever say something like that about such an amazingly stupid product as this. And what is this stuff? Well, it's basically a mainstream lager with artificial flavors and "energizers" like caffeine and ginseng added.
Believe it or not, I have heard that some people actually have purchased some of this stuff.
I'm amazed that anyone would actually buy the stuff. That Anheuser-Busch can actually find customers for B to the E is incontrovertible proof that H.L. Mencken was a true sage.
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"Nobody ever lost a nickel underestimating the intelligence of the American people."
H.L. Mencken
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So anyway, I was at a bar last week and they were doing a new product promo on this swill, handing out sampler cups to brave souls willing to serve as human guinea pigs. I won't ever buy gimmick things like B to the E, but if its free, well, what the hell....
And gimmick it truly is.
I do believe that in the history of brewing, only two other "products" can come close to rivaling the unmitigated uselessness of B to the E. One was Carling's introduction in the 1970s of a horrible concoction called "Malt Duck" that was mainstream lager with artificial colors and artificial flavors (especially apple and grape). It tasted like Boone's Farm "wines". Malt Duck was ultimately a marketing failure and has not been produced in years (You see! God does love us!)
The other totally useless concoction is a monstrosity called Zima, that is still marketed by Coors to the very weak minded. I've never understood just how anybody could want something as unappealing as Zima, but Coors still manufactures the substance, so I guess somebody out there is buying it. Mencken sure did have a good handle on product marketing.
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"God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many."
Jack Handey
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But enough generalities, let's get down to talking about the "drink" itself...
Sampling B to the E...
Right glass for every beer, right? Well, yeah, but since B to the E isn't really a beer, it's probably best served in its own can and served as cold as possible so that your tongue is anesthetized before inflicting on it the pain of B to the E.
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"B to the E will be flavored with ginseng and guarana --- a tropical berry that grows in the Amazon region of South America. It will have aromas of blackberry, raspberry, and cherry with a taste that's both lightly sweet and tart."
Pat McGauley, Anheuser-Busch Corporation
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Appearance:
Looks like a flattened out everyday mainstream lager, what with its innocuously light yellow color and just the faintest trace of white foam at the edge of the cup that flashes an appearance before disappearing into the ether of the imaginary.
Aroma:
I suppose the guys at A-B can get away with saying that they smell berries and cherries in this stuff, because there is a strong fruity ester aroma to it, but it's got an unpleasant sharpness to it that smells like a cross between Robitussin and whatever stuff it was that I smelled while driving past the BASF chemical plant in southeast Houston last week.
If you like the smell of artificial fruit flavorings, then B to the E will be right up your alley. I'm sure there must exist in this world somebody ditzy enough to think B to the E will be appetizing...
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, who loves the smell of B to the E...
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Flavor:
Once I get past the initial gag reflex, I'm stunned at how complex the fruit character is. It tastes chock full of hexenes, amines, tetras and other words that only petroleum and chemical engineers use in polite conversation. Is it raspberry? Vaguely, but no, not really. Is it fig, could be, if the fig was soaked in trinitrotoluene for a few weeks. Is it cherry? Depends, do you think your cough medicine really tastes like cherries? Is it pear? Ha! Only in your dreams...
The flavor is actually something like a cross between an artificially flavored and colored cola product and some kind of unidentifiable fruit filling from a cheap childrens candy. The base is clearly one of mainstream lager, but without any discernible malt or hops flavors.
The body is thin and lifeless, but in a substance like B to the E, that's something of a high point since it means that the nasty flavors are not so concentrated that you immediately fall to the floor gagging. You do have enough time to get to the mens room and find an unoccupied stall.
I can't imagine where Anheuser-Busch is ever going to find enough stupid people to buy this stuff...
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"I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know."
Barbi Benton, ex-Playboy bunny, new B to the E customer
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Overall Impression:
B to the E is not a product that anybody is ever going to buy for its quality or for the enjoyable drinking experience. They'll buy it based purely on marketing and image. Anybody who actually likes beer, wine, or quality drinks of any category is going to prefer anything over a B to the E. Energy? Yeah, it gives me energy...energy enough to quickly order up a pint of Maredsous 10 so I can gargle out the taste of Chevron Techron Supreme that's still hanging in my mouth.
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"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL quarterback, sports commentator, and target B to the E customer
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Until next time, see you in the pub. Smart people like me and Norman Einstein will be politely refusing when our buddy Joe offers to buy a round...you should too! Look for B to the E in lower class establishments. I would think that mediocre sports bars and seedy strip joints would be ideal places to find B to the E.
Recommended:
No
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