I hate this film. A rant by The Wood.
Written: Sep 23 '02
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Product Rating:
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Pros: One neat shot of a guy falling. Banderas has a way about him.
Cons: read review.
The Bottom Line: Not the worst film of the year, but comes very close.
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| The_Wood's Full Review: Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever |
How hard could it be to make a decent action picture? I mean really, you only need to do a few things right to make it work: a decent villain, fun one-liners, big explosions, a gorgeous woman, and that’s about it. The action genre is
the easiest field to succeed in, because so many moviegoers live by the philosophy of, “leave your brain at home.” Enter hack director Wych Kaosayananda, going by the pseudonym Kaos; although I think the title of Douche Bag is more fitting. So this Kaos character obviously thinks the only way to make a good action picture these days is to
give it a convoluted plot, like every other thriller; lame karate fight scenes, another trend that is becoming way too popular, and a title that puts the film on a short list for “worst movie titles ever.” Of course all these ideas suck, and guess what, so does this movie.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is a film based on a Gameboy Advance game. I have heard that the video game is actually quite fun, so I expected to be marginally entertained by this picture. Although the previews were amazingly cheesy -- they talk about some hidden micro-assassin that has really nothing to do with the movie -- I still had some faith that I would enjoy Ballistic in a disgustingly morbid way. The main reason I suspected I would like this picture is Antonio Banderas. Now don’t get me wrong, Banderas has been in his share of sh-t, in fact he has been in some horrifically bad pictures. Mask of Zorro is one of my least favorite films ever made. The Body, Play it to the Bone, Evita, and The 13th Warrior are all about as fun as case of
explosive diarrhea. I don’t blame Banderas for any of these failures though. He just picked bad scripts, happens to the best of them. You see, as bad as all these films were, Banderas was always good. He is a hard working actor
who always brings something to the table. His list of films that work are: Four Rooms, Desperado, Assassins, Spy Kids, and Original Sin. His performances in all of these pictures was pitch perfect, because the director or screen writer was able to capture Bandera’s coolness and bring it to the screen. My point is, when Banderas is working with people who are as talented as he, cool things happen. Before I rip Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever a new as_hole, I will say that Banderas did show up to work. It’s just too bad no one else did.
spoilers
I guess I’ll start with the film’s plot, since that’s one of the major reasons to hate the picture. Banderas plays Agent Jeremiah Ecks, a man who tragically lost his family to a car explosion -- isn’t that how all heroes lose their family members? Ecks is a bad as_. How does the film tell us he’s a bad a_s? It shows him sitting in a bar alone smoking a pack of Marlbro Reds, drinking a beer, and wearing a rain jacket. I guess that’s suppose to be intimidating. Truth is, I’ve been known to sit in a bar, smoke a cig, while wearing a rain jacket. Does that mean I’m a bad as_ agent who isn’t to be messed with? No, it means I like to drink, smoke, and sometimes it rains. Anyway, Banderas is recruited to help stop a woman (Sever: Lucy Liu) who single-handedly took out a bunch of guys with machine guns and kidnapped a kid. So Ecks has to stop Sever. In the process, he finds that his wife and kid are alive. His wife has been married to the bad guy (Gregg Henry) and his son has been raised by him. His son is also the kid who has been kidnapped. He finds out after a couple of fights that Sever is not that bad, even though she has killed a few hundred innocent people. In Ecks’ eyes, she isn’t a killer, she’s a mother. He actually says that. Trains explode, people get shot, and in the end the bad guys pay and Lucy Liu remains the mysterious woman she is. What’s mysterious about Lucy Liu? It’s a mystery in my opinion that the woman gets any work.
The scene in which Lucy Liu kills a bunch of guys and kidnaps the kid pis_ed me off for a couple of reasons. It’s almost a direct rip-off to an action scene seen in this year’s fantastic Blade 2. It uses the same music, Lucy attempts to do the same moves, and she basically fights the same amount of guys. The problem is, Kaos is no Guillermo De Toro, and Lucy is no Wesley Snipes. Now I know what you’re thinking, if Lucy and Wesley were to duke it out Lucy would win because she’s Asian and that automatically gives her an advantage at karate. Well that’s a fair assumption, but after witnessing her fighting style in this picture and a few others, I can honestly say that before Lucy could make her first move, Wesley Snipes would annihilate her, and make it home in time for corn flakes. And yes, I did just throw a Total Recall quote in there. Lucy Liu is a complete bore in this picture. She wears the same expression on her face the entire film and says about six lines. You are probably thinking that maybe that’s how the character is suppose to be. Well maybe, but every single thing I’ve seen Lucy Liu in she acts the same way, which means to me, it ain’t the character who is dull, it’s her. She almost ruined Charlie’s Angels for me. I say almost, because Cameron Diaz’s voluptuous breasts made up for Lucy’s dull performance.
The film just falls short. Poor dialogue. Poor acting, except Banderas, but he isn’t given much to work with. Dull fight scenes. Lame explostions. No nudity. No gore. A score that sounds as bad as Fran Dresher giving birth. Point is, this movie is bad. I hated it. You might too.
Recommended:
No
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