I hate to be the one to point this out ...
Written: Feb 17 '00
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Product Rating:
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Pros: The Orc and Zerg are good
Cons: These aren't intended for kids
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| godking's Full Review: Blizzard Action Figures |
...but the Blizzard action figures are lousy toys.
I realize everybody else is raving about these, but everybody else is missing out on one very, very simple concept.
An action figure should always be intended for **KIDS FIRST.**
Yes, the Blizzard figures look very nice just standing there, big friggin' deal. They're lousy toys. The Human Footman and Protoss Zealot -- the worst offenders -- will fall over if you breathe the slightest puff of air on them, the Zerg Hydralisk does practically nothing but look menacing, and the Terran Marine always looks like it has a stick shoved up its ass.
A quick word on each figure in turn:
Orc Warrior: Probably the best of the lot. A whopping seven points of articulation - the most of any of these (although the head can only move a tiny bit thanks to the ponytail and beard inhibiting movement). Like all pre-posed figurines, can't stand up in any way other than its intended pose. Unlike most pre-posed figurines, does not look stupid if you spread the legs to make it look like it is running -- sure, a kid would have to hold it up, but it looks like it is rampaging menacingly. Accessories are a mixed bag: the battle axe is really cool (although it can only be held in one hand, which is not cool), but the little fur hat barely stays on when the Orc is standing still -- expect it to get lost within a week. Wide footbase means it stands up in its intended pose very effectively. ****
Human Footman: From best to worst. Firstly, the Human looks like a dork. Second, the plastic surcoat/apron he's wearing inhibits the leg movement -- which may be a plus given that he looks like a tool in a "running" pose. Again, seven points of articulation, but the legs are useless, the head can barely move, and the rotating forearms don't rotate a full 360 degrees. Forearms are worthy of note because the Footman can't hold his sword and shield in any way that looks really cool or dramatic. Actually, the Footman can barely hold his shield period -- short of slabbing it on with masking tape, it's going to fall off a lot. Sword is slightly better than the shield, but in any case the Footman always holds his sword like he is badly constipated. The Footman's helmet does not fit snugly, making him look even more like a tool. As previously mentioned, the Footman will fall over at the drop of a pin. *
Zerg Hydralisk: Only five points of articulation, and, well, no "running" pose given that it has no legs, but the Zerg looks nasty and would make a suitable large-monster enemy for GI Joes or Lego soldiers or the like. No accessories, but that means it has nothing to drop. Kind of a no-score win here: not decisive, but there's nothing really bad to say about the Hydralisk figurine, so...hey, it doesn't fall over a lot! ***
Terran Marine: Six points of articulation. Looks stupid no matter how you pose it. Has trouble holding his plasma rifle or whatever it is, regardless of which hand it's in. Has this amusing "I just took a big dump" look on his face. Large foot base, so at least it doesn't fall over often. **
Protoss Zealot: Worst offender in the "can't stay upright" contest, combining lousy balance with really small foot base. Seven points of articulation - and incidentally the only figure whose head can actually turn 360 degrees. Has a very boring just-standing-there standard pose and a very expressionless face. "Running" handheld pose makes it look very silly. Lots of spiky yellow armor to disguise the fact that it's a very dull figure. **
Really, these toys aren't intended for kids, no matter that it says "ages six and up" on the box. We all know -- and most of the reviews here confirm it -- that these toys are intended for and bought by adults, qho stand them on their mantle or wherever and look at them, or maybe occasionally take them down and turn an arm or something, or -- and if you do this, you can officially go to Hell in my book -- leave them in the box.. However, this is a problem, because toy manufacturers are increasingly devoting their attention to the adult market. You don't really think that kids have been begging for Yellow Submarine figures, do you? ("Mommy, pleeease can I have a Ringo? Please please please?)
And toys like the Blizzard line, which are key examples of the phenomenon, just make the problem worse -- Todd McFarlane Toys, one of the fastest growing figure companies around, almost exclusively makes "adult" toys, attracting the really good designers to his company, which in turn makes the toys intended for kids of lower quality. Outside of Toy Biz's Marvel toys, the kid's market toys that are actually usable in actual play are horrible toys -- witness the popular wrestling action figures, which almost universally suck as toys but get bought anyway because, well, what else can you buy a kid these days in terms of action figures? Kids want to play with their action figures, and when half the market is devoted to these unplayable near-statues (along with -- and I'm at a loss to explain how this happened -- the resurgence in Mego and Mego-knockoffs -- you know, the "action dolls" with wooden expressions and real clothes?), the play value drops infinitely.
So, in short, the Blizzard action figures are adult toys, with the exception of the Orc and Zerg Hydralisk, which might find use as evil forces of whatever bad guy your kid has cooked up that week. That means that for kids, the other three aren't worth a whole hell of a lot. And if you keep your figures in the box, you can go straight to hell. (I thought that beared repeating.)
Oh, and the star rating below (two) is an average of the star ratings I gave each individual figure.
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
godking
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Member: Christopher Bird
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Reviews written: 84
Trusted by: 49 members
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