My wife is pregnant. We’re due on August 10th, and we’re having another boy. Our first just turned two last Monday, and we’ve started playing the name game. Not “John, John, Bo-Bohn, Banana-Fana, Fo-Fohn, Me-My-Me-Mo-Mohn,” but close enough. I’m finding that naming a child is a pretty stressful process, and evidently it’s big business. Big enough that there are dozens, if not hundreds of books and websites devoted to the process.

Maybe I’m thinking about this too much. I grew up with a “weird” name, which I eventually grew into, but only after a lot of teasing when I was a pup. My wife, Melissa, grew up as one of five Melissas in every class. We wanted to find something in between. Not too obscure, not too common. We came up with “Miles” fairly quickly a few years back, and although we got flak (especially from family members, which hurt my wife’s feelings) for it, Miles has the perfect name for him. Love that kid. So we’ve picked up three different Baby Naming books over the last few weeks, and this one in particular…is terrible.

40,001 Best Baby Names, by Diane Stafford, is the worst Baby Namer book or website I’ve ever come across. And that includes the Baby Namer I had on my own website, which had names like Gonorrhea, Crayola, and Glumboclutch. That last one is a real name of a friend’s sister, by the way.

There are three major issues I have with this book—and I feel like I’ve ranted about them long enough to my wife, she told me to quit complaining to her, and start writing a review so NO ONE will buy this book again. Although only 50 or so people generally read my reviews…YOU FIFTY PEOPLE, stay away from this book. Here are my three issues:

1) The title is 40,001 Best Baby Names…but in fact thousands of the “names” listed aren’t names at all. Some of the ones that she lists that drive me nuts: Brick, Buffalo, Sundancer, Tweetie, Flag, Patriot, Sailor, Loyalty, Bark, Snooks, Spanky, Chubby, Bowing, Booth…and “Schmoopie.” For the love—SCHMOOPIE? The best-known Schmoopie-ing was done on the Soup Nazi episode of “Seinfeld,” when Jerry and his girlfriend, played by Alexandra Wentworth, call each other little cute nicknames. “Schmoopie” is a term of endearment, not a name. On every page in this nearly 500-page cheaply printed newsprint monstrosity are several names that I’ve never heard used. I’m not talking the hippie names, or unique names, or names from outside my culture…I’m talking names that aren’t names at all. I don’t know if she was just padding the book or what, but it takes up space and distracts us from the real purpose of the book, which should be helping you find a name for your child.

2) Each of the names in the lists has a definition next to it—a common feature of Baby Namers. Problem is, I looked up several names whose origins and definitions I know—mine, my wife’s my son’s, my brother’s…and they’re not right. For example, every time I’ve looked up “Quinn” in my life, it’s said “Gaelic: Wise Leader” or something to that effect. Now suddenly, according to Ms. Stafford, it’s “Irish: Bright.” Close…but no cigar. Similarly, “Miles” is “German: Soldier” in every other baby namer, and in this one it’s “German: Forgiving.” I speak German. The roots for “forgiving” and “Miles” aren’t even close to being connected. “Evan” is the Welsh form of “John”…but in this book, it’s Irish for “Warrior.” After looking up those meanings, since I knew them off the top of my head, I did other comparisons, and time and time again, the meanings are off. Sometimes just by a bit—a matter of semantics. But often, Stafford has a completely different meaning than what other sources give to names. So what the heck is the point of even including the definition—and where does she come up with them? Part of the problem may lie in the bibliography—of the fifty-eight sources listed, thirty-six of them are websites…I get the impression that she just copied-and-pasted whatever she thought was interesting, without checking her sources. I’m outraged. Really. Another of the sources cited is “Television-show credits. 1 Oct. 2002 – 25 Feb. 2003.” What the hell? Anyway. My third issue:

3) The beginning of the book is dominated by 75 Fun Lists. A more appropriate heading for the section would be “Diane’s Halfassed Attempt to Write 75 Lists.” I’m seriously angry as I’m writing this. The lists include various lists of ethnic names, which are fairly straightforward. Fine. Famous Mob Names, Death Row Names, Androgynous Names. Fine. The real problem comes when Stafford, without any explanation or justification, just comes up with lists like “Names for Children of Lesbians and Gays” (Alex, Carson, Jake, Zack, Daisy, Kirsten?) “Names that Give you a Leg Up in Life” (Burke, Gus, Ralph, Margaret, Marion?) “Names that will make you Smile” (Fluffy, Boots, Cherry-Sue, Ritz?) “Names that Teachers Can’t Pronounce” (Seth, Camilla…) You know what? I can’t write any more about this. I don’t know what the hell Diane Stafford was smoking when she came up with these, or what Sourcebooks Inc. was thinking when they gave her a contract, but this is terrible. She includes lists that guarantee good looks and popularity, names for future architects and presidents. Names that make kids feel “weird.”

Ugh.

This is why I need to write reviews about Muppets and things I love.

Worst Baby-Namer EVER.

If you, like we, are in the market for some names, leave this book on the shelf. If there’s a discrete way to destroy the copies in the bookstore or library, you have my permission to do so. This book is unhelpful, inaccurate, harmful, poorly researched, and feels like it was slapped together in a rush to make a buck. Am I just jealous that I didn’t waltz into the contract that got this lady’s book published? Maybe. But it’s a terrible book. Run, don’t walk, away from it.

There are other, better baby namers out there—I’ll be reviewing those soon. No matter what you name your child, you’ll still love them, and whether it’s something as bizarre as “Fudge” or as commonplace as “John,” their name will become their own. And there won’t be another Fudge or John like them.

“Fudge.” What the hell is she THINKING???


Recommended: No