A few weeks ago, I was a vegatatin' in my rocker watchin' my cable TV and downing Twinkies and finishin' off my last Old Milwaukee beer. My dysfunctional cable system was stuck on the Romance Channel so I turned off the set and decided to go to Shirley's Six Pack and Extoxic Dance Club ta pickup a case of tall boys.

The temperature that day must a been pushin' 90 and my truck started actin' up. A few miles from town the radiator blew. After I kicked the truck a few times and worked up a gud sweat, I spotted a nearby pond. There was nobody around - and being as hot as it was, BadBob decided ta go for a quick skinny dip and cool off.

As I was a frolicking' in the cool water, wouldn't ya know it - someone shows up! It was the Parson's wife, Mrs. Thomas! She parked behind my truck and walked down to the pond.

"BadBob Grouch? Is that you a splashing around in my pond?"

I hollered, "Yes! Go away! I'm a skinny dippin'!"

She got this funny look in her eyes and said, "Oh really? Well, I'm sorry but ya got ta get out now - yur trespassing and that pond has got dangerous critters in it and I don't want ta be responsible!"

"But, I'm a skinny dippin' and I..."

She interrupted, "Robert Grouch! I ain't leaving till you get out! Ain't that a snapper headed yur way?"

I hate snappers! So, all modesty escaped me and I sprang out of the water and ran right towards her. Mrs. Thomas had this shocked look on her face as she stared at me. It was then I realized that I was fully exposed and she was looking at my.......

"Boxer shorts!" exclaimed Mrs. Thomas. "You said you were a skinny dippin' BadBob, but ya got yur underwear on and they got red little hearts printed all over them."

I told her, "What did ya expect, me skinny dippin' in the nude? And by the way, the late Mrs. Grouch gave me these boxers on Valentine's Day 1967 - they are my favorites!"

Then Mrs. Thomas started a grinin' and said, "Mr. Grouch, looks like yur carrying around a new spare tire."

"What are ya talkin bout? The only spare tire I got is on the truck!"

"Well, BadBob, looks like ya put on a few pounds since yur near death experience."

I looked down at my belly and saw that she was a tellin' the truth. I was a gettin' fat!

Mrs. Thomas then went on ta tell me bout this diet that worked for her. It was created by this Dr. Atkins fella who sold millions of books on the subject.

"BadBob, according to Dr. Atkins, carbohydrates in high amounts are poison to yur system, and, like drugs, they are addictive. These sugars are the major reason most people are overweight. Get his book and I guarantee you will lose that spare tire of yours."

Mrs. Thomas gave me a ride home and convinced me to buy the book ta shed my unwanted pounds.

It turned out that my truck was out of commission fur a month - but I really wanted ta get my hands on that book - so the next day, I walked the 5 miles ta the local bookstore. There I found the famous Atkins diet book, Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution".

After bout 10 minutes of readin', the snotty clerk asked, "Can I help ya with anything?"

"I'm just a browsing."

Bein' the tight wad that I am, I never buy a book. I just read em in the store until I get kicked out. This clerk gave me bout 20 minutes before she booted me out.

Every day I walked to the bookstore and back - I was gettin' in bout 20 minutes a day of reading Doc Atkins book. After about three weeks, I was almost done with the book and was walkin' home when Mrs. Thomas happened ta pass me on the road.

"BadBob, you look great! Ya musta lost 15 pounds! Did ya read Dr. Atkin's book?"

"Yep. It truly is a miracle diet. I lost weight just reading the book - and I ain't even started the diet part yet!"




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