bartzone's Full Review: Ian Kerner - Sex Detox: Recharge Desire, Revitaliz...
Sex Detox: A Relationship Rejuvenation Program for Everyone
“At this point in history, the most radical, pervasive, and earth-shaking transformation would occur simply if everybody truly evolved to a mature, rational, and responsible ego, capable of freely participating in the open exchange of mutual self-esteem. There is the "edge of history." There would be a real New Age.” Ken Wilber
Sue's Pre-Ramble
When I first read about “Sex Detox: Recharge Desire, Revitalize Intimacy, Rejuvenate Your Love Life” by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., I thought ”Hey I could learn a thing or two to spice up our sex life.” The reality that I’d write a review and try not to spill any personal bits with the readers hadn’t quite registered. How does one say that after thirty years of marriage two empty-nesters find their sex life less than desirable, if said partners never talk about the issues themselves? Well, suffice it to say, “Sex Detox” is a helpful guide even to married people who are reading it on their own. Kerner is a sex therapist who has written several books on the topic of sexuality, writes a column for Cosmopolitan magazine, and tours the country lecturing on matters of the libido.
What’s In It
This 6"x9" soft cover book is comprised of three parts: Introduction, The Couples’ Detox and The Singles’ Detox with ten chapters total, so it is easy to find the information. The chapters include: Doing Without to Eventually Have it All; The Science of the Detox; It’s All in Your Mind; Learning How to Read Your Love Map; Couples Preparing for the Detox; The Couples’ Detox; The Couples’ Rejuvenation; Background to the Singles’ Detox; The Singles’ Detox; and The Singles’ Rejuvenation: Dating Inside Out. At first I wondered if I should focus on the couples or singles section since I was reading it by myself, but was quickly reassured that many married people, reading it without their partner, were helped by reading and completing the six five-day modules for couples.
Some of the bits that I found most interesting:
• The biggest sex organ truly is the brain
• Sex and chocolate really are a lot alike
• Deciding to abstain from sex that you aren’t even getting, can wipe the slate clean and restore anticipation, desire, and fulfillment
• The same activities in the sex/dating detox that serve to heat up couples’ relationships will cool down singles’ dating
Sample Chapter
The second part of the book is the detox which is broken into six five-day modules that are accomplished while purposely remaining abstinent. In the couples’ detox section the modules are: Starting Up; Your Sexual Health; Sexual Socialization; Previous Relationships; Navigating Your Love Map; and The Here and Now. An example of a day’s activities comes from Day 2, from the module Starting Up: In this module, the reader starts with breathing exercises from the previous day, then jots down a list of terms from the book in a Sex Detox Diary. The reader then relates the terms to each other using their own experiences. Two of the terms are “Looking/Feeling Sexy” and “Current Relationship.” I would write something like: “Looking/Feeling Sexy” is connected to “Current Relationship” since my disfiguring disability I have felt like I look much less sexy, and it has inhibited my previous tendency to initiate intimacy.
What I Like
Much of the couples’ Detox focuses on each individual, examining their own thoughts, history, and attitudes, rather than assessing blame to the other partner, or trying to create solutions prematurely. There are plenty of everyday, normal reasons why couples become bored, disinterested or incompatible in their sex lives and all of the early passion can be restored. I also like the fact that there are two completely different sections for singles and couples. Though I wasn’t single long enough to experience any of the problems discussed such as getting tired of the endless stream of nameless, faceless one-night stands, it is comforting to know there is help for that as well. It is wonderful that Kerner includes real life examples from different angles to show many problems people have with sex, romance and intimacy. Although, I haven’t used any of the online tools provided (www.iankerner.com), it is nice that they are there in case I need them.
What Could Be Better
Self-help books have an inherent problem in that they point out areas to be worked on in our lives. There are times when it appears easier to just live with the delusion that everything is fine rather than have to go through all the soul searching and work involved in making things right. I so admire solutions that require no change on my part, that also happen instantaneously and unfortunately this isn’t one of those kind of platitude peddling books. And although thirty days may be enough for some people to tease out all of their issues and deal with them, mine seem to be taking longer(Kerner does allow that the detox can be worked faster or slower depending on the person(s) involved). In addition, many of my favorite self-help books are filled with pithy sayings and quotes from other sources that I can add to my collection, but “Sex Detox” was nearly devoid of those gems. Seriously though, it is a stretch to say that I found anything disagreeable about the book.
Final Recommendation
Sex Detox by Ian Kerner is a gentle, probing guide that helps readers (young or old, single or couple, gay/straight/bi, male or female) help themselves in a very supportive, non-judgmental way. The activities are easy, and can be very enlightening. I recommend it to anybody wanting to get their love life back on track.
Sex Detox: A Relationship Rejuvenation Program for Everyone
Ian Kerner (for more information: www.iankerner.com)
Collins (2008)
Trade Paperback 227 pages
ISBN-13: 978-0061136078
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