Ok, I know we are in the 2000's, but I never thought I would be able to have my precious Rover's bark translated for me. Heck, now I am not the only one in the house barking- and being understood- when dinner is not ready. Yep, there is now a dog translator on the market.

Ever wonder what your little schnauzer is saying when he yaps at you when you walk in the door? It might be something like, "Where the heck have you been and why have I been here alone all darn day"? Of course it could be worse. Alas, we will never know because the translator is limited to be about 200 thoughts. Either that or our dog is more limited in brain power than even I imagined. Although, that may explain his propensity for peeing in his food bowl and drinking the toilet water.

Anyway, on to more pleasant thoughts. My wife is a huge lover of animals. So much so that I had to remind her on our honeymoon that she is not to try to pet the wild tropical animals. So, when she say the doggy translator, I knew I was going to be hit with the "Aw honey, we have to get it" line. Sure enough. A few minutes later my credit card was wallowing under another $100.00 charge and the dog was about to be understood.

So, we get home and in a matter of minutes Rover has a translator placed on his neck- like a collar- and the receiver is placed in the kitchen. The collar is a wireless translator that is quite light (1.3 ounces) and not at all a problem when it comes to bulk. The receiver looks a little like a cell phone with an LCD screen to display what your dog just said ("Get my dinner! Now!!) and is also small and lightweight (4.1 ounces). The translator operates on a single AAA battery and the receiver takes four AAA batteries. The batteries last a decent while, but a lot depends on how often Rover yaps. The translator and receiver must be within 30 feet of each other in order to work properly.

Then you wait for Rover to get his bark on (My bed needs cleaned!) and the initial translation. The translator works because of new "voiceprint" technology that allows the system to translate six fundamental barks. The researchers discovered that there are essentially six different barks that dogs emit and they all coincide with various feelings. The six emotions include the following: happy, sad, frustrated, needy, on guard, and assertive. After these emotions were videotaped, they were analyzed by somebody with nothing better to do with his life (Err, I mean a scientist.) and it was determined that the emotions and body language (I wonder if when Rover leans into me, bats his eyes, and softly touches my arm if it means he is interested in heading home with me, or should I consult Cosmo on this matter?) actually could be deciphered. Yep, they meant something.

Ok, I will agree that a bark probably does mean something, but come on. Can this guy with more time on his hands than most dead people really understand what Rover is saying? Apparently so. At least that is what he wants us to believe. So, Rover barks ("Get me a beer, dude!") and the translator will quickly flash a saying on the screen of the receiver and, believe it or not, you will know what Rover just said ("Hmm, that other dogs butt does not smell to good."). The thing that I find amazing is that the Japanese guy with too much time on his paws and little social life, actually says that there is merit to what the translator reads. Seriously.

Which leads me to how intelligent- or not- your dog is. When he is happy, he will emit just a few barks: Great...lets go, I am happy, I love you, I am on top of the world, I am excited, and/or croissants are delicious. Oops. The croissant line was actually from a book for my two year old niece entitled "My first morning words". Have you ever heard a two year old "croissant"? Me neither. Anyway, back to the translator.

I have no idea how the PHD came up with his translations, but I do wonder when he last had a meaningful conservation with someone with just two legs and no tail. Regardless, he does have a hit on his hands. No, not for us adults, but for the kids. I think- err, I hope- that most of realize that this is not scientifically proven to be true (And if it is, I want the government agency that approved the study to be sent to fight on the frontlines of the War on Terrorism) and that the translator is meant for the enjoyment of kids. Which leads me to a gift idea that involves that dogs. You can purchase a silly little looking dog that operates on batteries and will bark and hump your leg. I wanted to purchase this in order to freak out guests over the holidays, but the Mrs. would not allow it.

In regards to the kids and the translator, they love it. My niece cannot stop laughing and loves to try to get the dog to bark in order to see what he just said. Two cautions need to be mentioned at this point. First, a kid who constantly succeeds in getting the dog to bark might cause you to have to purchase a dog muzzle. Secondly, kids need to have their conversations with people if they are to succeed in this world. Seriously, a dog that is constantly barking can get annoying very quickly and the kids always want to see what Rover has to say. Unfortunately, "leave me alone because I am tired of being forced to bark" is not a saying that Rover has in his vocabulary.

So, would I purchase the doggy translator again? That is such a good question that it stumps even me. Yes, if it was for a child and the dog was outside a lot (And really, really far from where I was). Hey, I will admit that this is a neat gadget for kids and something that I have seen them get a lot of joy out of. I do wonder how soon the novelty of it takes to wear off, but that happens with every toy. I would be very cautious about purchasing this for a dog that spends most of it's time inside and/or if you have a number of kids. The barking could be non-stop.

As for us adults, I cannot think of any reason to purchase it other than to get the animal loving significant other to stop nagging- errr, gushing- about how cool it is and how we have to have it. Sorry, but the guy with the guy with the PHD in barking has yet to convince me that he can understand what my dog is trying to say.

Hence, the bottom line is that is a great toy if you can put up with a dog that does a lot of barking. Otherwise, I would not recommend the Bow-lingual Dog Translator. A great toy, but one that could drive you nuts. Therefore, in my final recommendation, I have to say that you should avoid it.

"Hey dumb owner! Get me some food that does not taste like cardboard! Now! And while you are at it, a six pack of Miller Lite would be perfect".

Recommended: No