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Tribute To Consumerly-Helpfulness" Write-Off. Full details and links to the participants (SCADS) can be found at www.writersgetaway.net/write-off.htm

Unlike several other write-offs, that are hosted and contributed to by non-consumerly-helpful hooligans, anti-better-buying-decision-making miscreants and various other Agents of Satan, the 29th_Candidate's 1st Annual "SCADS-Providers Tribute To Consumerly-Helpfulness" Write-Off has absolutely no intention but to bring you the absolute cream of the crop in the consumerly-helpful-better-buying-decision-making-product-information world, despite what some uninformed emails may have told you. Don’t thank us. Thank epinions.com in general and Nirav Tolia in particular for helping to mold us into the “Defenders of Consumer Interests” that we are. Remember, “The consumerly helpful product review is one that provides SCADS of useful product info, calculated to help the consumer make better buying decisions.”


Without further adieu, I bring to you the Consumerly-Helpful Guide To Buca di Beppo: A Chock-Full-O-SCADS Review for the Product-Information Deprived.


Part 1: Introduction
(Why I Am Writing This)

After having now had the pleasure of twice dining at the Buca di Beppo restaurant located at 2635 Edmondson Rd. in the Rookwood Commons Shopping center in Cincinnati, OH (phone: (513) 396-POPE), I have decided to extol the many virtues of this wonderful restaurant, so that you too may make the more-informed-buying-decision to partake in a meal worthy of a king, or pope as the case may be.

I know that people are wary to spend upwards of $20 on a pasta dish, and $10 on an appetizer; and in pure consumerly-helpful fashion, I plan on not only explaining to you (in SCADSrific detail) why the price is justifiable, but why you will be hard-pressed to find a better meal in a more entertaining SCADmosphere for such a relatively low price.


Part 2: The Review
(My Experiences at Buca di Beppo Including References to and Justifications of the Price, Among Other SCADSly Tidbits)

The first time I ever ate at Buca di Beppo, was for my company’s (or, my group at the company’s) Christmas lunch. Our relatively new supervisor had eaten there before and swore by it, so we all agreed to give it a whirl.

When you arrive at the restaurant, you will notice a Roman-looking statue wrapped in Christmas lights sitting outside of the front door. The foyer is wall-to-wall plethora-of-pictures insanity, with pictures of any- and everything; from four rather large women wearing naught but their unmentionables to a woman staring intently (perhaps ravenously) at the exposed genitalia of a statue in Italy. In fact, the entire décor of this dining establishment is the epitome of poor taste; one can only assume that this is done on purpose as a sort of parody on tackiness. You are soon ushered through the kitchen (as is everyone who enters), and told that sometime, when you come back, you can reserve the Kitchen Table. The Kitchen Table is a booth-setup that seats six people right next to the action in the kitchen of the restaurant. There is no way to get to your table or back without a stroll through the kitchen, which I would imagine would grate heavily on the cooks’ nerves.

We sat at the Pope Table (the most reserved table in the restaurant!), a round table that accommodates 14 to 18 people (they say 18-20 people, but I would not recommend any more than 18) and features a half-size bust of the Pope sitting on a Lazy Susan. The Lazy Susan not only allows one to spin the Pope incessantly (for those who enjoy the thought of torturing the Pope), but also allows the people at the rear of the table to be served easily. All along the walls are pictures of various Popes in all of their Poped-out regalia. I can imagine that in a restaurant as purposely tacky as this, the various representations of the Pope have probably drawn some harsh criticism from the highly religious. The room that the Pope Table is encased in has a domed ceiling giving the aural illusion when the person across from you speaks, that they are really standing behind you. It is rather disconcerting at first, but fairly easy to adjust to. We were told that, as patrons of the Pope Table, it was our responsibility to say ‘Hi’ to everyone that came through. Note: if you are a remotely anti-social person or are in search of a private, romantic dinner, this is probably not the restaurant you want to choose.

Our group decided on Garlic Bread (2 with cheese, 1 without) for our appetizer, and a large mixed green salad. After a reasonably short wait, our stuff had arrived and we gave the waiter (exuberant-to-the-point-of-near-explosion fellow that he was) our orders. One large Spaghetti with Meat Balls, one Linguine Frutti di Mare, one Macaroni Rosa, one Veal Parmigiana, one Buca Chicken Vesuvio, one Rigatoni Positano and one Chicken Marsala. We asked the waiter if those seven dishes would be enough to feed the fourteen of us, who were all insanely famished and he nearly doubled over in laughter, telling us that if we ate all of the food he would give us two of the entrees for free.

The Garlic Bread is Garlic Bread and if you aren’t that big into garlic, it is not the thing for you. I love garlic, and as such found this pizza-without-sauce-like garlic bread to be wonderful and promptly proceeded to eat four pieces before dinner. The salad is good, but not spectacular. It has a simple Italian dressing, basically just oil and vinegar, and the onions on it are hearty, full-flavored onions that you definitely notice when you bite into one. The large salad easily gave all 14 of us two small plates of salad with some to spare.

After a while, our food arrived at the table and the portions were ridiculous. All of the pasta dishes have at least 2 pounds of pasta, informs our waiter. At least 2 pounds, per dish? All of the entrees (Chicken or Veal meals, not pasta) are meant to serve 4 to 6 people easily, and the size of the portions indicated that they easily could. We decided to put everything on the Lazy Susan and people could just spin to whatever they wanted. 14 people just spinning to whatever they want requires a fair amount of teamwork, but after a while all of our plates were full and we went about eating.

Everything I tried was great (I didn’t try the veal, as I don’t eat beef – cholesterol thing), and I feel the need to amend a statement I made earlier; if you don’t like garlic, this is not the restaurant for you at all. Everything has a strong, garlicky flavor, but none of the dishes are dependent on the garlic as their only means of flavor. The seasoning all seemed right, and after stuffing myself to the point where I almost fell asleep at the table and my stomach hurt badly, I have not one complaint about the food. All of us had several plates full and there was still about half of the food left when we were done. When we left, I went home and took a nap. Then I woke up. Later on in the evening I went out and bought the movies Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Suicide Kings on DVD. I had already seen both of them, but Keri had only seen Suicide Kings, so we watched Lock, Stock… (which incidentally is directed by Guy Ritchie, husband to Madonna and director of Snatch, which he made after Lock, Stock…). Keri found it to be pretty funny, but not quite as funny as Snatch; I tend to share this sentiment.

I recently returned to Buca di Beppo for my wife’s birthday, this time just her and I. We had to go through the same introductory ‘This is the Kitchen Table, this is the Pope Table…’ spiel, as Keri had never been there before. We ordered the same Garlic Bread and salad, then set about trying to figure out a dish to share. Sharing a dish between the two of us is a difficult thing to SCADcomplish, as Keri is a vegetarian (not vegan, she eats dairy products and whatnot), and I wasn’t in the mood for Spaghetti with Marinara Sauce or Eggplant Parmigiana. Our waitress told us about their Buca Per Due (Literally ‘Buca for two’), wherein you get a half-size portion of pasta and a half-size entrée for one price. Sounded good to me, and Keri agreed, so we ordered the Ravioli al Pomodoro and the Chicken Parmigiana and set about eating some Garlic Bread and salad while we waited.

Let me tell you one thing. DO NOT order even a small order of salad if you go to Buca di Beppo as a party of two. It is a monstrous, SCADSly thing, and if you value the ability to eat at least some of your dinner, you won’t even make it a third of the way through. This time, I don’t think there was enough vinegar in the dressing, as the salad just tasted kind of wet and oily, but it was still alright. The Garlic Bread (with cheese) was as divine as I remembered it to be. Keri loved it as well, but only after picking off some of the larger pieces of garlic.

When our food arrived, I already felt a little stuffed, but let out a burp (yes, I am a slob) and dug in. The Chicken Parmigiana was great, though I was indifferent to the addition of ham (Prosciutto?) to the recipe. They had the spices right, and the chicken was fried to the point of being crisp yet not crunchy, if you follow me. The ravioli was good, though I am not all that fond of cheese-filled ravioli in the first place. It too was garlicky, and had the right amount of sauce to wet it without drenching it.

We both shared a glass of white wine and a glass of Sam Adams beer (all restaurants that do not carry Heineken automatically lose a half-of-a-star in my book) and ordered the Chocolate Cannoli for dessert.

The Chocolate Cannoli is a fried breading tortilla-like shell wrapped around a creamy ricotta cheese filling with chocolate chips inside, all sitting on top of a chocolate sauce. This dessert is so rich and sweet that I almost couldn’t finish my half of it. I would not recommend it if you aren’t really into rich flavors. We finally picked up the check which was $65 (the wine wasn’t good enough to be $7 for a glass) and left with SCADS of our food in carry out containers.

The price is a tad on the high end, but for the quality and quantity of the food you get, it is well within the realms of being worth it. I would gladly eat here again with any size group (only I wouldn’t get a salad if it was two of us), and would recommend for everyone who likes Italian food at all to try it at least once.

*Note: The waitress told us to steer clear of the Limoncello, which is a digestive drink that people have after their meal. She says that it tastes like Lemon Pledge, and is ridiculous for the $12 price.


Part 3: Hours of Operation
(Times You Can Go To Buca di Beppo for SCADS of Food)

Monday – Thursday: 5 p.m. - 10 p.m.
Friday: 5 p.m. - 11 p.m.
Saturday: 4 p.m. - 11 p.m.
(Select locations open at noon on Saturdays.)
Sunday: Noon - 10 p.m.

They can also open early by special arrangement to SCADcommodate group functions.


Part 4: Personnel
(The People That Operate the Buca di Beppo Chain of Restaurants)

Joseph P. Micatrotto
President, Partner and Chief Executive Officer
Chairman, Board of SCADrectors
Greg A. Gadel
Executive Vice President, Chief Financial Officer, Treasurer
Secretary
Joseph J. Kohaut
Senior Vice President of Operations
Philip A. Roberts
Founder
Alan Ackerberg
Vice President, Construction
Michelle Armstrong
Vice President, Development
Jim Cowler
Divisional Vice President
David LaFlash
Divisional Vice President
Randy Lopez
Vice President, Field Marketing
John J. Motschenbacher
Vice President, Finance and Purchasing
Anthony Penn
Divisional Vice President
Jennifer Percival
Senior Vice President, Family Resources
Vittorio Renda
Executive Chef
Joseph Richardson
Divisional Vice President
Lane Schmiesing
Senior Vice President, Marketing
Daniel Skrypek
Vice President and Controller
Joseph J. Talarico
Divisional Vice President


Part 5: The Menu
(What You Can Choose to Eat While Dining at Buca di Beppo)

***Antipasti (Appetizers) - $6.95 to $13.95***
Garlic Bread
Garlic Bread (with Mozzarella)
Bruschetta
Fried Calamari
Mussels Marinara

***Insalate (Salads) - $7.95 to $14.95***
Mixed Green Salad (Small and Large)
Mixed Green Salad with Meat (Small and Large with Prosciutto and Gorgonzola Cheese)
Caesar Salad (Small and Large)
Di Beppo "1893" Salad
Grande Tomato Salad (with Red Onions, Olive Oil and Basil)
Grande Tomato Salad (with Red Onions, Fresh Mozzarella, Basil, Salami and Mortadella)
Roasted Peppers with Garlic and Anchovies
Mozzarella Caprese (Fresh Mozzarella, Vine-Ripened Tomatoes, Roasted Red and Yellow Peppers, Fresh Basil)

***Neapolitan Pizza - $9.95 to $19.95***
Marinara
Tomatoes, Garlic, Basil and Oregano (No Cheese)
Calabrese
Tomatoes, Potatoes, Rosemary, Olives, Onions, Prosciutto and Pecorino Cheese
Spicy Arrabbiata
Four Cheeses, Pepperoni, Sausage and Caramelized Onions
Margherita
Tomatoes, Fresh Mozzarella and Basil
Pizza Bianca
Gorgonzola, Provolone, Mozzarella, Romano and Red Onions
Pepperoni
with Pepperoncini
Vegetale Rustica
Eggplant, Escarole, Onions, Tomatoes, Artichokes, Broccoli and Provolone Cheese
Spicy Sausage and Mushrooms
Prosciutto Rollato
Prosciutto, Goat Cheese, Mushrooms, Mozzarella and Provolone Cheese

***Side Dishes - $8.45 to $10.95***
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Escarole (Sautéed with Olive Oil and Garlic)
Meat Balls (3)
Greens and Beans
Escarole, Cannellini Beans and Tomato Sauce
Spicy Italian Sausage (4)
Green Beans with Olive Oil and Lemon

***Pasta - $9.95 to $22.95***
Spaghetti Marinara (Small and Large)
Spaghetti Meat Sauce (Small and Large)
Spaghetti Aglio Olio (Small and Large with Fresh Vegetables and Garlic)
Spaghetti Meat Balls (Small and Large)
Linguine (Red or White) Clam Sauce (Small and Large)
Linguine Frutti di Mare (Shrimp, Mussels, Clams and Calamari)
Ravioli al Pomodoro
Ravioli Meat Sauce
Rigatoni Positano
with Chicken, Eggplant, Marinara Sauce and Fresh Mozzarella
Macaroni Rosa
with Chicken, Broccoli, Mushrooms and Peas in Pink Sauce
Tortelloni
with Cream, Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Peas, Broccoli
Orrechiette con Pollo
with Chicken, Broccoli, Tomatoes, Crushed Red Pepper, Romano Cheese and Garlic

***Entrees - $16.95 to $20.95***
Eggplant Parmigiana
Chicken with Lemon
Chicken Parmigiana
with Prosciutto
Chicken Marsala
with Fresh Mushrooms
Chicken Cacciatore
over Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Buca Chicken Vesuvio
with White Beans, Sausage, Oregano and Potatoes
Veal Limone
with White Beans, Escarole and Lemon Sauce
Veal Marsala
with Fresh Mushrooms
Veal Parmigiana
with Prosciutto

***Dolci (Desserts) - $7.95 to $11.95***
Spumoni
Spumoni with Chocolate Sauce
Chocolate Cannoli
Buca Bread Pudding Caramello
Tiramisu
Torta Formaggio con Raspberry
Tortoni
Torta Doppia Cioccolato
Bottle of Limoncello


Part 6: The Non-Menu
(A Few Things You Can Not Choose to Eat While Dining at Buca di Beppo)

Yak Balls, Catfish Caviar, Orangutan Intestines, Land-Sloth Feces, Cow Tongue, Hashish Brownies, Lucky Charms Cereal, Limburger Cheesecake, Uvula Fungus, Chitterlings, Cheeseburgers, Fried Octopus Tentacles, Crusty Socks, Duck-Billed Platypus, Other Guests, Pop-Tarts, Sushi, a Bloomin’ Onion, Cats, the Pope’s Bust from the Pope Table, Alligator Heart, Biscuits and Gravy, Pickled Pig’s Feet, Linoleum Tiling from the Kitchen Floor, Quail, Big Macs, Lion Tails, Guinea Pigs, Your Waitress’ Undergarments, Pickles and Mayonnaise, Pregnant Women’s Mucus Plugs, Bellybutton Lint, Okra Pudding, Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers, Cantaloupe, Antelope, Pumpkin Pie, MorningStar Vegetarian Chicken Patties, Baked Beans, Dog Flanks, Cap’n Crunch, Fruit Roll Ups, Zebra Penis, Preparation-H Flavored Ice Cream


Part 7: Ingredient List
(The Components Which Make Up a Buca di Beppo’s Restaurant)

Concrete, Wood, Bricks, Metal, Drywall, Paint, Windows, Curtains, Doors, SCADS of Garlic, People (Employees and Patrons), Buca di Beppo Uniforms, Chef’s Hat, Food (See Part 5: The Menu, above), Beverages (Coca-Cola Products, Wine, Beer, Coffee, Tea, Liquor, Liqueur, Seltzer Water, Juices, Lemonade), Wine Baskets, Tile, Mops, Buckets, Brooms, Carpeting, Tables, Chairs, Booths, Pictures, Frames, Replicas of Italian Statues, More Garlic, Light Fixtures, Light Bulbs, Sinks, Toilets, Urinals, Mirrors, Toilet Paper Dispensers, Toilet Paper, Paper Towel Dispensers, Paper Towels, Soap, Running Water, Electric Hand Dryers, Electrical Outlets, Serving Trays, Plates, Bowls, Glasses, Salt Shakers, Salt, Pepper Shakers, Pepper, Grated Parmesan Cheese Shakers, Grated Parmesan Cheese, Sugar Dispensers, Sugar, Creamer, Tablecloths, Napkins, Forks, Spoons, Knives, Ice-Machine, Ovens, Fryers, Pots, Pans, Cheese Graters, Colanders, Sanitizer, Still More Garlic, Accordion, Electrical Wiring, Air-Conditioning Ducts, Hot Water Heater, Fans, Printed Menus, Printed Wine Lists, Muzak Machine, Bust of the Pope in Glass Case, Lazy Susan, Chandelier, Carry-Out Containers, Cash Registers, Credit Card Swipe Machines, Receipt Paper, Pencils, Pens, Fake Plants, Velvet Ropes, Clocks, Reservation Book, Even More Garlic


Part 8: FAQ
(Frequently Asked Questions, and Their Frequently Answered Answers)

How can my consumeristical self contact Buca di Beppo?
You can get the phone number and street address of your neighborhood Buca di Beppo restaurant by visiting their website at www.bucadibepppo.com or by looking it up in the phone book under (drumroll please) ‘Buca di Beppo’. Or, you can e-mail the home office at famiglia@bucadibeppo.com
What kind of restaurant is Buca di Beppo?
Italian. Weren’t you reading? It’s Southern Italian immigrant, to quote them. Meaning large, family-style portions of Southern Italian food as envisioned by the immigrants from Italy in the 50’s.
Does Buca di Beppo accept reservations?
Yes, SCADS of them. Call your local Buca di Beppo restaurant today.
What are the hours of operation?
I am growing tired of your unwillingness to read the rest of my review. Read Part 3: Hours of Operation for the answer.
Do I need to dress up in my finest Toliaesque gear for dinner at Buca di Beppo?
You don’t have to, but feel free to if the mood strikes you.
What does Buca di Beppo mean?
"Buca" means basement. "Beppo" is southern Italian slang for "Giuseppe," or Joe. So the name means "Joe's Basement" – this is because they opened the first Buca di Beppo in a basement, and because the very first "Buca" they had ever SCADSperienced was a basement restaurant opened by the grandfather of their president, Joe Micatrotto, in Cleveland's Little Italy neighborhood.
Do they accommodate parties?
Yes, as long as the parties aren’t ‘ritualistic-slaughtering-of-SCADS-of-innocent-babies’ cult parties. You can reserve the Pope's Table, which can accommodate 14-18 adults, or the Kitchen Table, for groups of six. They also offer private and semi-private dining rooms suitable for groups of up to 100 people. And your Paisano Partner (a.k.a. – store manager) can create special menus for you, and even open early in certain cases. Call your local Buca di Beppo restaurant and ask for details.
What’s the Kitchen Table?
Exactly what it sounds like. I have come to the conclusion that FAQ could easily be an acronym for Frequently Asinine Questions. It is a table for six that is located right in the kitchen, near all of the hustle, bustle, malady and melee. Reserve it early, however, since the Kitchen Table often books up several weeks in SCADvance.
Is Buca di Beppo appropriate for parties of two?
As long as you are willing to either share or take home a SCADload of leftovers. They do now offer a combo pasta and entrée thingamajig for two, where you select a pasta dish and an entrée and each are half of their normal size. They run around $22.95, and will be more than enough for two hungry people.
Does Buca di Beppo offer outside dining?
Many Buca di Beppo restaurants offer outside dining. Call your local restaurant for details.
Does the staff of Buca di Beppo frequently molest goats in the break-room?
Of course not. What kind of sicko are you? That’s it, no more Filthy Amoral Questions.


Part 9: Locations
(Number of Restaurants and What States They Can Be Found In)

There are currently 71 Buca di Beppo Restaurants operating in the United States. The first one was opened in Minneapolis, MN in 1993.

They can be found in the following states:
Arizona, California, Colorado, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, WiSCADSin, and Washington


Part 10: Investor Information
(SCADS For Those Who Are Interested in Turning a Quick Buck Off of Buca di Beppo’s Hard Work)

Buca di Beppo is a publicly traded company (NASDAQ symbol: BUCA) that even you, the lowly almost-prepared-to-make-a-better-buying-decision-because-of-the-SCADS-consumer can own a piece of. As of Jan 29, 2002 at 9:27 A.M. EST, the closing price was $18.07, up from a previous-day close of $17.10. That’s a gain of 0.97 or 5.67%.

Analysts recommend it somewhere between a ‘Buy’ and a ‘Strong Buy’.

The Analyst Firms making these recommendations are:
Banc of America Securities LLC., BB&T Capital Markets, Dougherty & Company LLC., Fahnestock & Co., Fulcrum Global Partners LLC., Ladenburg, Thalmann & Co., Inc., McDonald Investments Inc., Robertson Stephens, Sidoti & Company LLC., U.S. Bancorp Piper Jaffray

There are plans to open 14 new restaurants this year, 3 of which have been completed, and all but 3 of the rest are under construction. This is expected to add a SCADditional 490 sales weeks to their company for 2002.

Buca di Beppo has an earnings forecast for 2002 of 0.728 and an earnings forecast for 2003 of 0.956


Part 11: Miscellany
(Miscellaneous SCADS to Sate Even the Most Insatiable Information-Starved Consumer-in-Training)

‘Buca di Beppo’ has 11 letters in its name. A few of the praises and accolades that have been heaped upon Buca di Beppo that each have 11 letters include:
‘Magnificent’ – ‘Awesome Food’ – ‘SCADS of Good’ – ‘Italian Eats’ – ‘Two Thumbs Up’ – ‘A Great Staff’ – ‘No Yak’s Balls’ – ‘Not Diseased’ – ‘It Has Tables’ – ‘I Like it a Lot’ – ‘Pickles Mayo’

The acronym for ‘Buca di Beppo’ is BDB (well, technically BdB). Some other deacronymized forms of BDB include:
‘Barbie Doll Butchery’ – ‘Befittingly Dead Baboons’ – ‘Butt-Dripping Bends’ – ‘Blasphemous Diabolical Barbarity’ – ‘Basic Destruction Books’ – ‘Baldheaded Demonic Bastards’ – ‘Badly Diseased Balls’ – ‘Barking Dog Banter’

‘Buca di Beppo’ has all the vowels in its name. A, E, I, O and U are all represented.

With the removal of one ‘P’, the name can be rearranged to spell ‘Pubic Abode’.

With the removal of the ‘A’ and the addition of two ‘L’s, an ‘R’ and a ‘Y’, the name can be rearranged to spell ‘Publicly Probed’.


Part 12: Conclusion
(Condensing all of the Previous SCADS into One Final Call to Consumeristic Arms A.K.A. The Final Recommendation)

Given the quality and the value of the food, the service and the SCADmosphere, the original rating is 5 stars from me. Then you have to take into account the fact that they don’t serve Heineken and that they don’t even have one smaller-sized salad, dropping a half-of-a-star for each of those infractions. That leaves the rating at 4 stars. Then you have to figure in the inherent genius involved in not serving yak balls, which is easily worthy of a half-of-a-star. That brings us back up to 4 ½ stars. The undeniable fact that it is not only a good place to eat but a good company to invest in as well gives us another half-of-a-star, bringing us back up to 5. And just knowing that by dropping one letter from its name, you can rearrange it and spell ‘Pubic Abode’ is worth another half-of-a-star, giving Buca di Beppo a final rating of 5 ½ stars. With a rating like that, it would require SCADS of stupidity to not give the restaurant a try. I fully recommend this restaurant to you, my consumeristically-inclined friends.


Epilogue: Disclaimer
(Rattling off a Warning about the Contents of This Review So As Not to Find Myself at the Wrong End of a Lawsuit)

*Some information contained within this review is paraphrased and/or quoted (the menu) from www.bucadibeppo.com and www.nasdaq.com. Thusly, any accusations of plagiarism will be regarded as gibberish from idiots who couldn’t concern themselves with reading all the way down the review.


Your conumeriffically-SCADtabulous friend,
imokliel


Recommended: Yes

Kid Friendliness: Yes
Vegetarian Friendly: Yes
Best Suited For: Friends