Canibus
Attn: Germaine Williams
Way Down Deep in the Rap Underground, NY


Dear Canibus,

Hey man! It’s your boy Stan! I just copped your newest LP C True Hollywood Stories and I thought I’d drop you a line to let you know what I thought about it. It’s kind of f*cked up that you didn’t send me any promo copies, but that’s cool. Besides, since you’re indie now, you may just not be able to afford handing out free copies. I just went ahead and copped mine from the store with part of my advance.

Anyway ‘Bis, I though it was cool how you opened your CD with a re-enactment of when you met me on “Stan Lives!”. I can’t believe that I wigged out and drove off the bridge like that. Lemme just say again, that I’m grateful that you dove in the lake and saved me man. That Slim Shady punk really had my mind twisted up. I was so confused…

I think my track, “U Didn’t Care” came out pretty well. I’ve heard that some people think it’s really just you rapping in a high voice, but they’re just idiots. They just can’t understand that Stan can spit mad flames on the mic. I’m glad I got a chance to let the public know what happened to me after I drove off the bridge in Eminem’s song “Stan”. I let everyone know about how you took me to the hospital and put me down with your new crew at Archives Music after I recovered. Plus, I got in a couple of good digs in on Marshall Mathers at the end too; comparing him to those weak pop acts like Britney and N’ Sync that he likes to rip on. And Nir did an OK job on the production too. With the simple keyboard melody and basic percussion, it sounded a little bit like a low-budget version of one of Dre’s cuts, but it got the job done.

One thing though kid. The way you kept putting me all over your album with the skits and references and stuff, it was like you were making me out to be your b*tch. I don’t appreciate that, not at all. Oh and by the way, thanks for hooking me up with that shiny new platinum chain you gave me. People say I look cute in it.

Nevertheless, it was great to hear you ripping the microphone once again Canibus. As usual, you destroy the mic device every time you touch it, and C True Hollywood Stories is no exception. I was afraid that you might have lost your edge after Universal Records “let you go”, but you definitely proved me wrong. On “The Rip Off” you dropped that fiery freestyle over the Egyptian-sounding track. Classic ‘Bis. The hook needed a little work though, but it was passable.

Then you came with more heat on “Box Cutter” . It was more classic Canibus here, with you continuously spitting your venomous braggadocio over the track. Eben did a nice job on the production, didn’t he? I want a dramatic, orchestral string “ripper”-type track on my solo gig too. I’ll give that guy a call tomorrow.

I understand your reason for venting about the September 11th attacks on “Draft Me”, especially since you grew up in New York. However, I think your venting could have been written more productively than “let me jump in the Humvee / and kill those monkeys /”. C’mon ‘Bis. And don’t tell ‘em I said so, but those C-4 kids that guest star on there are weak. My verse is hot though. You have to admit that.

I almost flipped when you ripped Beanie Sigel from Rocafella Records on “I Gotta Story to Tell” , bro! You lit that fat man up on that funk keyboard and drum machine track! He should have known better than to put your name in his mouth, no matter how short the line was. You know that no one in the whole Roc camp has the skills to answer back on that, except for maybe Jay-Z. But then again, if Jigga does respond, you’ll probably get a few hundred extra record sales out of it. Way to strategize! Maybe you should just start dissing everyone, like when 50 Cent did it. Umm… then again, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

But I’ma keep it real with you though, dog. When I compare C True Hollywood Stories to your two previous LPs, 2000 B.C. and Can-I-Bus, this is definitely the weakest of the three. For example, the tracks from the twin tracks “Hate U 2” and “Luv U 2”, the keyboard melody sounds like you stole the music from some old Nintendo video game and put a beat to it. And even though you do a nice job rapping on those, your lyrics are pointless and irrelevant. You could have done without those.

Then you came wack again on “Stop Smokin’” and “Hott Tonight”. That syncopated slop music by Chips further messed up what was already a bad concept on “Stop Smokin’”, and “Hott Tonight” is just another one of those “let me hook up with twenty model chicks at the club” songs that already have become mad cliché in rap. I mean, I was with you on tour son, and I never saw you with twenty model chicks. Maybe for those few dates in France, but those girls were kind of big and hairy.

And one more thing ‘Bis, what’s up with the paper on the CD. Are thicker labels cheaper or something? I tried putting it into my CD player and it spit it out twice, it was so thick. I’m glad it finally took it though. I don’t have a cassette player anymore and I really wanted to bump this.

Anyway, I know I’m just a new kid in this rap game, but let me give you a little advice. You need to quit relying on these punk a** producers to give you beats and go out and find a deejay. You know, some young, fresh kid you can team up with permanently who can chop records like DJ Premier or Pete Rock. I say “like” because I know you can’t possibly afford those guys on the budget you have now. A deejay would give you a better presence on records and keep you from having to sing those horrible hooks. That mess that Nir, Chips, and Archives put together makes Wyclef seem like frigging Quincy Jones!

But really though, I hope this less than favorable review doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore. I mean, I totally owe my new rap career to you. That moron Slim Shady wouldn’t even give me the time of day. I love you Slim, we could have been together. Think about it! You ruined it now! I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it! And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about… Oops. Sorry. Lost it there for a minute. Anyway, I would really hate to see us lose what we’ve spent so much time building together. Besides, I really don’t want to have to tie you up, put you in the trunk of my car, then drive off a bridge. I’ve been down that road already. It’s not pretty.

I gotta go now, it’s time to take my meds. Holler at the Four Horsemen for me! I can’t wait for you guys’ album to drop next year!

Sincerely,
Stan, Eminem’s ex-biggest fan


P.S. We should be together…





Recommended: Yes

Great Music to Play While: Driving