I was getting a bit sick of reviewing things that I like, which in turn enabled me to gush manically about how wonderful something is, because it simply isn't fair to things I dislike. There are oodles of naff and just wrong things out there that deserve a fair hearing aswell. Things that have provoked spubile (it's a made up word, put your dictionary down) reactions from me. Things where you simply want to turn around and say, quietly but firmly, No. No. No. So epinions member carl_lazarevic's You're Just Plain Wrong W/O seemed like a great idea for me to spleen vent. I suggest everyone takes part in this W/O, it's an excellent idea and you'll feel so much better.

Cabin Fever

Rider Strong .... Paul
Jordan Ladd .... Karen
James DeBello .... Bert
Cerina Vincent .... Marcy
Joey Kern .... Jeff Grind
Giuseppe Andrews .... Deputy Winston
Robert Harris .... Old Man Cadwell
Hal Courtney .... Tommy
Arie Verveen .... The Hermit
Matthew Helms .... Dennis
Richard Boone .... Fenster
Tim Parati .... Andy
Dalton McGuire .... Lemonade Boy
Jana Farmer .... Lemonade Girl
Dante Walker .... Shemp

Eli Roth - Director

Running Time: 92 very long minutes.

Cabin Fever has everything a not so well thought out plagiarised (elements of this movie have been done before in titles such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Evil Dead and Night of the Living Dead) horror flick has to offer. It's nothing new, heck, it's not even scary (despite the annotation on the front cover labelling this movie Scary as hell, it's false advertising, and I want my money back).

Five sexy young friends go on a vacation in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and they each fall victim to a nasty flesh eating disease. There's the synopsis of the film in a nutshell. But step back a sec. Sexy? That's using the term loosely, and it's their term, not mine, incidentally.

The five consist of Paul (Rider Strong - My Giant), who looks exactly as he did on Boy Meets World. Karen (Jordan Ladd - Dog Gone Love) who's the typical, virginally uptight one (all horror films have one of these) and she's more annoying than sexy. Bert (James DeBello - Scary Movie 2) who, ok, has the potential to be sexy, in other films, just not this one, where he comes across like an oafish thug lacking a few brain cells. Marcy (Cerina Vincent - Not another Teen Movie are you seeing a pattern yet?) who spends most of the movie being weird and whiney. Finally, Jeff (Joey Kern - Joey Does Jezebel Ok, I made that movie up) who looks uncannily like a 70's Dutch porn film reject.

The group arrive at the town nearest to their destination, which seems to be, on the face of it, a rather backwoods community of rednecks, to pick up some groceries from the store, which is run by an odd character named Old Man Caldwell (Robert Harris). Having met Caldwell (and the little boy that you're not allowed to get too close to, or he bites you - every film needs a quirk) they quickly get on their way.

The film kicks in when the five are paid a visit by a local hermit (Arie Verveen). He's ranting and wailing like a demented rabid dog, pleading for help, blood spewing from his mouth and covered in sores. So what do our 5 do? Beat him to death with a baseball bat. Well you would, wouldn't you? In the process of bludgeoning the pleading hermit to his grim death, they inadvertently wreck their own car. Thus rendering them unable to leave. Yawn.

Soon after they are paid a visit by the local police officer, Deputy Winston (Guiseppe Andrews - American History X) the film's one redeeming character, since all he seems to be concerned with is smoking dope and partying, man, and all credit to him, he plays his part very well. They mention the hermit to him in passing, leaving out certain key facts, and ask Deputy Winston to get them some help with their car.

As the film progresses, it appears to them that whatever illness the hermit had, could be contagious.

When Karen contracts the disease, that's when I started to lose it. Paul, who is Karen's best friend, has been desperately in love with her for years. So you'd think that when she got the disease, he'd be overly concerned, but no, no, no. He, together with the rest of them, decide to dump her in an out barn, and leave her there to rot, literally. I mean sure, she's covered in flesh eating sores and vomiting blood periodically, but please, where's your bedside manner and concern for your best friend, people? Jeff gets absolutely freaked out by it all and decides to run off screaming into the woods, leaving his girlfriend Marcy there. Unbelievable

So in fine horror movie tradition, each of them fall victim to this gruesome disease, even Jeff, whom having sat in a cave for days, believes all his friends are dead and he's disease free. He's soon hurling claret and toddling off to meet his maker, smug git. But where's the twist? Paul, being the last one left, is out wandering and spots something in the reservoir. Upon closer inspection he realises it's a flesh eaten body, then he checks out some pipes leading away from the reservoir. Eurika! you can almost hear him cry. The reservoir is the water supply, and that's how the disease has been spreading. Please. He goes off to warn someone, and bumps into Deputy Winston, who's partying with a group of travellers. Deputy Winston, like, totally kills him, dude. Uh. You're wondering why he kills him? The police chief, having been alerted to the goings on at the cabin up yonder, puts out an APB on all the people that were staying there, ordering them to be disposed of on sight. Damn, where's a bonefide law abiding police officer when you need one? Definitely not in this film, which is a dangerous sweeping generalisation of country plods, if you ask me. (Do they say "plods" in America?)

The bodies of the five are ceremonially burned by the town's police force, seemingly to get rid of this mysterious disease. Cue to a pair of kids selling lemonade outside the local store, made with fine disease ridden water (you can hear the potential slogan now, "New Naive bottled water - just like Evian, only backwoods!" Tsk!)...and also, a truck rolls on by carrying bottled water from the town. Leaving it open for Cabin Fever 2? God, I hope not.

If the summary of the plot I've written appears riddled with holes, it's because the movie was. I mean, there's a scene where a woman is ranting about a slaughtered pig she has strung up outside, ranting that it doesn't taste right and it's bad. How the hell does she know?! Go about tasting raw dead pig carcass often does she?. And don't even ask me where Pig Lady fits in with the story, because I couldn't even tell you myself, and I've watched the film.

To sum up, whilst director Eli Roth has used a traditional formula for this movie, it just lacks that extra pinch of originality. Whether that was his mission or not, he missed his own point. Hell, whatever his point was, I missed his point. Which leads me to conclude that, there was no point. There was a momentary element of tongue in cheek humour in it that didn't pass me by, and to be honest, I did actually laugh at it (oh how I savoured that moment). But it's an old, tired formula, best left in seventies B movies. The plot was silly and overly contrived, the special effects were over done, the characters weren't believable, it was cheesy. Smelly, rancid cheese.

And so, to all those that rated this movie highly, and by golly there's a lot of you oddballs out there, I'm sorry, but you're just plain wrong. How could you have possibly liked it? It's pap!

The Movie is now available to buy on VHS and DVD in the US, and will be available to buy on DVD on March 15th in the UK.

Recommended: No