Pros: Wild and original, a place, a book and a series unlike any other...
Cons: There are only eight of them...
The Bottom Line: Alice in Wonderland meets Buck Rogers in a Mack Sennet's Keystone Kops classic during a Night of the Living Dead marathon. Just buy it, okay!
WulfsDen's Full Review: John Dechancie - Castle Kidnapped
Oh shades of bondage! On its back, the tortoise has a large, well proportioned, scantily-dressed redhead bound with a heavy rope, the knots pressing tightly against her ample...
* * *
The barbarian Queen clapped her hands, and the two girls left the chamber.
Slowly she turned around and let the cape fall from her shoulders. The leather briefs turned out to be really nothing more than a G-String.
Gene reeled, devastated by the exquisite mathematical proportions of her hindquarters. His headache suddenly vanished.
"Zond, I think I am about to be exploited, abused and generally treated as a sex object."
"I'm very sorry for you," Zond said, "but there's nothing I can do."
"Right. So p*ss off and leave us alone, okay?"
* * *
Castle Kidnapped is the third book in the Castle Perilous series, but what is happening on the cover? The shadowy form of Castle Perilous looms over an alien plain. In the foreground a giant, sharp-toothed, six-legged, blue tortoise marches across a red plain, populated by a multitude of myriad-hued, one-eyed frogs. Oh shades of bondage! On its back, the tortoise has a large, well proportioned, scantily-dressed redhead bound securely with a heavy rope. Wait. There's more. There are four guys there too, or four males at least, all bound by the same strong rope, riding the same tortoise. Sorry, I almost missed them. The large, white furred one with horns and an extra helping of rope can only be Snowclaw, and the one in the deadhead T-shirt must be Gene, but who are the other two, and why is one of them dressed as a rooster?
So they are prisoners then. That would explain the club-wielding green goblins that march beside the turtle, and the others that follow behind it riding various multi-legged dinosaurs, one of which looks extraordinarily like a long-necked camel with pink feathers. In the distance a pterodactyl soars off with an unhappy looking red frog in its beak. Hmmm... Do pterodactyls even have beaks? Nomatter. It is obviously just another fun filled day at Castle Perilous.
There is one odd thing though. Gene looks awfully friendly with that amply-equipped, young lady, and she really does not look like Linda. Now if my girlfriend was an irritable, multidimensional mega-sorceress, I think I would behave.
The hordes of hell have been repelled, at least for now, but someone may have taken advantage of all the confusion, for the portals of Perilous are running amok. Jeremy, the castles computer wiz, who never does anything more strenuous than lifting a cheeseburger, finds himself in a world of golf crazy dinosaurs. While Gene, poor dear, finds himself trapped on the planet of Amazon women, the prisoner of their buxom queen, and she knows how to swing, but I don't think her hobby is golf. Meanwhile Trent, the dashing and handsome sorcerer prince, finds himself cast away with poor, helpless Sheila. Oh my. How could any girl resist. Of course, maybe she is not quite so helpless now that I think about it...
Where is Linda while all this is going on? Why, she is with Incarnadine, of course. No, nothing like that, well... maybe, but he is much more interested in his sister. Oh! That does sound bad. But it gets worse, believe me. Perilous is called perilous for a reason.
In Castle Kidnapped, De Chancie allows his imagination to boldly go, where no light fantasy has gone before. This book contains some of the most memorable imagery in the entire series, and contains at least one scene that I wish I could forget. This is a very good book. Five stars.
* * *
Character Spotlight.
Linda Barclay, pretty, blond, and blue-eyed, she was a typical California girl. Typical, that is, until a wrong turn through a portal brought her to Castle Perilous. Meek, shy, and scared, she wanted nothing more than to find a way out of this crazy place and back to her home, and to do it as quickly as possible. At least, that was they way she was until her talent manifested. Oh. Did I forget to mention it? Linda's a sorceress.
Well, technically she isn't a sorceress I suppose, she is a materializer. If anything exists anywhere, she can make it appear just by willing it too. And, since she lives on the nexus of 144,000 worlds, pretty much everything exists. With her looks and her talent, she can have any man she wants. However, Gene, the object of her affections, seems to be way too interested in over-muscled bimbos with out-sized mammaries to notice. Now if a piano was to suddenly appear above his head, would that get his attention?
Of course, Linda's ability raises the question about what happens back in the donor worlds that her materializations came from, when the objects inexplicably disappear. Hey! My socks were in the drier... You don't think...?
* * *
Series Overview.
(Author's Note: A modified version of this series overview was first posted as part of the review of the first book, Castle Perilous.)
A series of eight books by John DeChancie are set in and around Castle Perilous, a magical castle that sits at the nexus of myriad different universes and dimensions. The castle has 144,000 doors or portals. These doors open to different worlds, times and dimensions. Some doors are fixed, allowing their immediate vicinity to be used as tourist spots by the castle inhabitants. Some doors move, some blink on-and-off, and some doors are one way. Some open to pleasant places and some to almost certain death. There is even a door to hell, though most people try to avoid that one.
The Castle itself tends to move around, with rooms and corridors misbehaving at every possible opportunity. Sometimes, even a simple journey to the dining room for breakfast can be a long and dangerous quest.
There are three types of people in Castle Perilous: friends & family, staff, and guests.
The owner of the castle is Lord Protector Incarnadine, Inky to his friends, an ancient and powerful sorcerer and a direct descendant of the Castle's creator. His family, which includes his brother Trent, sister Ferne and a host of others, tend to be a dangerous and greedy lot. His friends, many of whom are also skilled sorcerers, are just as unreliable, particularly his ex-girlfriends, who seem to be the type that hold a grudge, often for millennia.
A huge staff are required to run and guard this castle, but the most notable are Osmirik the librarian and Jeremy the programmer. Osmirik is the ultimate source of all knowledge. Jeremy, a new hire who was once a guest, programs the castle mainframe. However, his programs tend to warp reality, which would make him very dangerous, if he was not so intent on programming himself a girlfriend.
The guests...? Hmmmm...? How do you describe the guests? They are creatures and people from all times, places and dimensions who have stumbled through a portal and decided to stay. Why shouldn't they? They are given free food and board for as long as they want it, or, more likely, for as long as they survive. After all, there is a reason that it is called Castle Perilous.
Most notable among the guests are Gene, Linda, Sheila and Gene's best friend Snowclaw, an alien that looks like a yeti. Also Thaxton and Dalton are two middle age men who simply love to play golf. There are plenty of other guests too, but I will leave you to discover them for yourself. Oh! One more thing. Anyone who stays in Castle Perilous for any period of time tends to develop a talent. Gene becomes a master swordsman, Linda a conjurer, and Sheila... Well, it's best not to mess with Sheila.
The writing is brilliantly imaginative, totally unpredictable, incredibly beautiful and grotesquely gruesome, all at the same time. It ranges from quirky through weird and out into insane. At times it is fantasy, at times science fiction, and at others it’s a Marx Brothers classic.
In most of the Perilous series there are several plot threads running at the same time. It is like an anthology of short stories with the chapters jumbled up. However, the stories often cross and interlink with each other, and sometimes when they cross, characters will jump ship from one storyline and start helping with another. It is really like nothing else I have ever read in that regard. Perhaps its uniqueness is why these books have not reached all the audience they deserve.
Each book in the series is short, very short. Unless you are a very slow reader, you should be able to read one in an evening. The whole series isn't much longer than a single Wheel of Time doorstop. Oh, and one final word about the covers. The fabulous covers are on the first edition. The current covers are a stylized silhouette of a castle, and differ only in the background color. Oh well. So much for art.
The books appear to be out of print. However, it is available at thousands of Ebook outlets all over the web. If you, like me, would prefer the nifty covers, they you will probably have to troll the used book stores
If you would like to actually see the covers I have described, you can find them on the official John DeChancie web site:
http://www.johndechancie.com/
There is also a free mini-novel there to read, an official guest book, and you can email the author.
Epinions.com periodically updates pricing and product information from third-party sources, so some information may be slightly out-of-date. You should confirm all information before relying on it.
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