mastaghostface's Full Review: Certified [PA] by David Banner
Let me just say this: I can’t take this album seriously. I really, REALLY can’t. Everything about this album overdoes the commercial aspect of modern rap music to the point of unintentional parody. I just have to dive into this album immediately. Excuse the short intro.
The Beats
I must confess: there is some good production here. “2 Fingers” has “club hit” written all over it, with a fun, rocking drumbeat, quick guitar licks, and a well-sung chorus by Jagged Edge; “Thinking of You” has a cool mesh of wah-guitars and a down-played 808 beat that works with it; “On Everything,” has my favorite beat, as a music sample from the Eddie Murphy movie “Coming to America” is so creatively used that it’s hard believe that this was on the same album as “Play,” with it’s simple, rip-off production. Later on, “Ain’t Got Nothing” continues the fun feel of “2 Fingers,” but with a more light-hearted atmosphere, with clean trumpet riffs, a bad *ss bass line, and thumping drums. “Westside” has an interesting change-up, with a g-funk produced beat that definitely fits the subject matter. When we get to “My Life,” the beat sounds a little corny, as the guitar licks and 808s don’t work together as well as on “Thinking of You”. Then, “Ridin’” comes through with a cool, southern funk beat, with a twirling piano riff, a plunky guitar sample, and a lively drum track. So overall, the beats are pretty solid. Wanna know the big problem with this album?
The Lyrics.
First of all, the song “Lost Souls” is a good intro for this album. Not because it’s a good song, but because it truly embodies exactly what this album will be presenting: a rapper whose vocals and raps are so overblown, you’re not sure if his rhymes are supposed to make you laugh or not. I mean, at the very start of the song, his way-too-strong-for-the-subject-matter voice yells, “Daddy: in the pen; Momma: out suckin d!ck,” followed by “I sell crack, too; I will jack you!,” then followed by such articulate lines such as “I’mma SMOKE MY WEED, I’mma F*CK ME A H*E” and “I’mma KICK YO’ DOO’, I’mma SLAP YO’ H*E!”. He then says, “when I’m thinkin ‘bout the Lord, I got to see one day… sorry….”. It strikes you suddenly in a manner that’s like, “hey, this is his raw reality and mentality” but at the same time, you think, “I’m pretty sure there’s someone out there that can describe the hood struggle a little better than that.” As well, when you here the rowdy chorus about who the song is dedicated to and that they get “crunk in this b*tch”, in the background, you hear a somber voice singing, “save our souls…” it makes an interesting parallel. Still, though, regardless of the emotion and subconscious remorse that you see glimpses of, most of the time, you’re just wishing someone would give him one or two pointers on writing a song.
Then, “Treat me Like” and “Gangster Walk” come in, both with the same subject matter: killing you. The difference? One has Jadakiss and one has Three 6 Mafia. I must ask, though, what the crap do people see in Three 6 Mafia? I can’t listen to either of their simplistic flows without chuckling slightly, and what they say isn’t even controversial. What’s all this nonsense I keep hearing about them worshipping Satan? I’m no Satanist or anything, but at least that would make me want to listen for a second, if only for the shock value. The most “shocking” line out of them is “I’m affiliated with more terrorists than G. Bush,” which, when you hear him say it, is just… really lame. Like, these guys are a prime example of how flow can ruin whatever you say. I don’t care if you have Eminem’s rhymes; if you have these guys’ flows, everything you say hurts to hear.
Then, here comes “Play,” the big hit from this album.
Putting aside the fact that “Skip,” would be a more appropriate name for this waste of 4 minutes, this song is such a rip-off of “The Whisper Song” by Yin Yang Twins that it makes you cringe. If it doesn’t, just listen to the lyrics. The sexuality is so oversaturated in the song that you just might drown in it. By the 800th time the beat staccatos with his lyrics as he whispers loudly, “Work, that, cl*t, CUM, GIRL,” it just makes you say, “OKAY! WE GET IT! THIS SONG IS SUPPOSED TO BE CONTRAVERSIAL AND SEXUAL! SHUT UP ALREADY!” I guess I understand that he had to sell records so he felt the need to up the ante concerning sexuality, but this is just terrible. The worst line, I have to say though, is the following:
“I beat it like Mike when he f*cked Billie Jean”
….
There is SO much wrong with this line that it makes my brain leak from my ears. I mean, I can’t even bring myself to say anything about it. As a matter of fact, I don’t even think I have to. Let’s… let’s just move on…
So, now we get “F*cking.”
Yes, really. Right after a song that involved way too much sex talk, David Banner apparently though we hadn’t had enough of it, so we get another song about the exact same thing, without the pointless whispering. I would say that that is a plus, but Jazze Pha’s singing on the chorus is so badly sung, it’s hilarious, because he’s trying to sing soulfully, but his blatantly sexual lyrics just make you say, “wow; the subtlety that R&B is known for is your enemy, huh?” As for David Banner’s lyrics: well, I guess he wrote too many lyrics for “Play” and put the rest in this song.
Fun fact: for radio play, they renamed the song, “Touching.” No kidding.
Then, there’s “On Everything,” and I wanted to like this song so much. The big problem with this song is that chorus repeats goes on for too long, and it slowly gets annoying. Too me, it’s not a song that I would play twice in a row, simply because the chorus repeats a little too much. I mean, it’s not like the verses are that bad, but they definitely don’t make up for the annoyingness of the chorus. Listening to “My Life” and expecting good introspective rhymes is not a good idea. It’s supposed to be about David Banner worrying that people want to kill him and that you should do your best to watch your back. Not a bad message, but there’s horrible execution. When he rhymes, it sounds like he didn’t know the rhythm of the song before he rapped on the song and didn’t bother to do a second take. And the message is very badly communicated to the point where it sounds like someone forced him to make a song to try and balance out the “mindless entertainment” aspect of the album. So, to show the varying subject matter (and to show the tracklisting), let’s describe each song in one sentence.
1. "Lost Souls" (2 out of 5) (David Banner is a conflicted person who will kill you and have sex with your girlfriend)
2. "Treat Me Like” (feat. Jadakiss) (2 out of 5) (David Banner will kill you for disrespecting him)
3. "Gangsta Walk" (feat. Three 6 Mafia, Marcus, and 8Ball & MJG) (0 out of 5) (David Banner and company will kill you)
4. "2 Fingers" (feat. Jagged Edge) (1 out of 5) (David Banner will have sex with your girlfriend)
5. “Play” (0 out of 5) (David Banner will have sex with your girlfriend, while whispering)
6. “F*cking” (feat. Jazze Pha) (1 out of 5) (David Banner will… still have sex with your girlfriend)
7. “Thinking of You” (feat. Case) (1 out of 5) (David Banner wishes he was having sex with HIS girlfriend)
8. “On Everything” (feat. Twista) (3 out of 5) (David Banner will kill you because you’ve apparently disrespected the South)
9. “Certified” (feat. Marcus) (0 out of 5) (David Banner will kill you… this time without a reason)
10. “Ain’t Got Nothing” (feat. Magic and Lil Boosie) (2 out of 5) (David Banner has no money, regardless of what he’s said in the last half of this album)
11. “Bloody War” (feat. B.G.) (1 out of 5) (David Banner will… still kill you)
12. “Westside” (2 out of 5) (David Banner loves the West… and is probably still thinking about killing you)
13. “Take Your” (feat. Too Short, Bun B, and Jazze Pha) (2 out of 5) (David Banner will have sex with your girlfriend, and Bun B is the only good rapper here)
14. “My Life” (feat. Sky) (2 out of 5) (David Banner knows that there are people who want to kill him and, for some reason, is confused)
15. “Ridin’” (feat. Talib Kweli and Dead Prez) (4 out of 5) (Out of nowhere, introspection comes back to the album in the most racist way possible, Dead Prez REALLY like saying “cracker,” and Talib comes with a good verse)
16. “X-ed” (feat. Kamikaze) (2 out of 5) (David Banner is on the run from everyone, which might be attributed to the killing people and the sex with other guys’ girlfriends) As you can see, most of the songs are the same old rap songs that you’ve already heard before: Songs about killing people, songs about sex, and songs that are supposed to be introspective for the sole purpose of making you forgive the songs about killing and sex, and it’s done by the numbers so well, it feels like David Banner can’t be serious about this album. Like, he has to be joking. There isn’t anything on this album that even slightly resembles good wordplay or interesting metaphors. Just alright beats and uninspired rhymes put in to fill up space.
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