linda1527's Full Review: Patricia Evans - Controlling People: How to Recogn...
One night a few months ago when I was heading off to bed, I turned on the radio as I usually do. I tuned in to my favorite talk radio show host and heard the voice of a woman, Patricia Evans who wrote Controlling People, talking about people (mostly men) that make connections in a 'backward' way. At first I thought-- oh God, not another self-help guru who thinks she can just write a book and 'fix' us. Naturally I tuned in to the program in the midst of her interview and receiving phone calls from the public-- having missed the beginning. The more I listened, the more intrigued I became by what she was saying and her description of controllers in our life and she labeled that as abusive. It happened to be at a time in my own life when I was in a relationship that had its own problems. He was driving me crazy, yet I found it very difficult to let go of him. I had even broken up with him twice and yet went back for more, trying to make it 'work.'
Some of the chapters in the book
1) How people become controlling.
2) Why controllers target only certain people.
3) Why controllers drive away the people they want to be closest to.
4) Why controllers often get the opposite of what they want.
5) Why most controllers appear to be nice normal people.
6) What the controller fears most?
7) Why controllers seem to be under the influence of a spell.
8) How the “spell’s” influence can be broken.
9) How someone can be a spell breaker.
10) How someone could be under a controller’s influence and not know it.
11) What controllers say about themselves.
I am not crazy after all!
I would have never thought to categorize my boyfriend as verbally abusive at all. After all, I had never been in an abusive relationship, so little did I know. I came to understand though that he was very abusive in his behavior toward me. Ms. Evans talks about how the abuser/controller connects in a 'backwards' way, not in a healthy direct respectful manner at all. They will say and do things to make you doubt yourself and there is even a name for that; it's called "crazy-making" behavior. The reason they connect in a 'backwards' way goes back to their family of origin (doesn't everything?). Examine this scenario: say little Johnny falls down and skins his knee when he is a child. His knee is cut and bleeding and he's crying. Mommie though (or daddy) pick up him and say to him-- "you're not hurt, you're just being a baby, now get up and let's get going," or some words to that affect. Right away little Johnny begins to 'doubt' his inner feelings and denies them-- because mommie says so. Hmmm, he thought his knee hurt but does it? Maybe he's wrong. We all have this 'intuition' or gut feeling, but mommie says different. Life goes on and other occurrences in Johnny's life like this happen from time to time. He may feel sad, hurt, angry, but mommie and daddy say-- you have nothing to cry about, you're a big boy, etc. So, the kid cannot even identify what he really "feels" because somehow it must be 'fake' or not 'real'-- right? That's what his parents tell him. He never gets any validation or recognition for anything in his life. All his life growing up he just wants their love and approval, so he will do anything to obtain it. Sound familiar?
Then little Johnny grows up and starts dating a woman. He starts to get close and develop intimacy maybe, but he gets scared and backs away because he can't 'trust' his feelings. That's what happened in my case anyhow-- that I met this wonderful man who treated me like I was so special and could hardly wait to see me, talk to me, and then slowly his behavior started changing toward me. Where he was so 'open' and sharing in the beginning he would get defensive with me when I would want to talk and share. He detached himself more and more from me. He said I was 'too sensitive' or reading too much into something. In short, the abuser denies responsibility for his behavior and will instead put it back on you with blaming, judging, criticizing, etc.
If there is a relationship, then there must be more than the exchange of information. The relationship requires intimacy also. It requires good-will, listening, being supportive, but he instead would "withhold" or discount, be verbally abusive disguised as jokes, undermining, trivializing, and a whole gamut of other things. When one is in a relationship like this and there is no mutual sharing one's spirit is broken, and before you know it you are under 'their spell.'
I find it difficult to write reviews lately and especially book reviews where I would like to be succinct and really sell you on this book and her other one by the way, which is called The Verbally Abusive Relationship, but I felt compelled to do write a review on this author and her books on abuse. I swear, I myself have had many years of therapy off and on over the years and along with that came the reading of dozens of self-help books until had my fill of them!
More on the book... he wants his 'Teddy'
Yep, as in teddy bear! You wanna' know why? Because they don't talk back. They don't have a mind of their own; they have no opinions, thoughts, ideas, Teddy is always there for him. It's in the mind's eye illusion of the controller that Teddy is the 'perfect' woman. Another characteristic of backwards connection is that you have no identity, no individuality, hence the connection with Teddy who is always there. The controller is Mr. Nice Guy to his friends, co-workers, and family, but not to his partner/mate because that involves intimacy (knowing his partner on a deeper, feeling level) which of course for him is impossible because he does not trust his own feelings. How can he? He does not know himself, because remember what mommie said when he fell down and skinned his knee?
Breaking the "Spell"
It does you no good to continually defend yourself against a controller by saying... I meant to say this or do that, because he will always come back with his own way of "justifying." Remember, he does not hear you because you have no identity. You are not real to him. One of the most powerful words you can say to him when he is putting you down, telling you that you don't know what you are talking about, you are wrong, or stupid, or you are reading way too much into my words is to say STOP or What???. Remember, you define yourself, you know yourself better than anybody else does. He has deluded himself into thinking that you would ever leave him because he may tell you over and over that he loves you, buy you things, and promise to change his behavior, but in most cases he will not unless he is willing to take responsibility for his behavior and make some changes. That may require therapy of course-- venturing into completely new territory.
Final Thoughts
I am writing this review to let you know that you are not "crazy" if whatever you do or say, he cuts you down, if you never receive a compliment-- even after making countless attempts for you to save the relationship or the marriage. No one deserves to be ignored, talked down to, or walk on egg shells. No one defines your thoughts, feelings, ideas, or dreams but you. I should have seen the 'flags' on even our first meeting for breakfast; I had this 'gut' feeling then that he was a little too self-absorbed... hmmm, like when I asked him when was his birthday but he didn't ask me, when I asked him about his favorite color but he didn't ask me, when I asked him... but he didn't ask me. Sadly, the person who is controlling and abusive may not even be aware of it. He probably wants and needs love too, as we all do, but may never change because he lives in a world of make-believe.
Below is a web site (started by Patricia Evans) for verbal abuse with others that may be asking themselves some of these questions also. There is a bulletin board and references to her work there as well.
http://www.verbalabuse.com/Books.shtml
For any men that may be reading this, I mean no offense when I refer to "he" or "him" at all, it's just that by nature women tend to be more open and sharing of their feelings. We are raised to be nurturing whereas men are usually raised to be strong and not show their feelings. Abuse is abuse and it can just as easily occur with either sex.
From small-scale incidents to large-scale issues, the author of the bestselling The Verbally Abusive Relationship explains the damaging nature of cont...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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