Gentle Understanding of One's Self
Written: Apr 12 '04
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Very helpful in understanding the feelings that come with the death of a loved pet.
Cons: If you have to read it, it is not an easy thing to do.
The Bottom Line: This book is a very valuable aid to dealing with the death of a pet. Please do not belittle yourself or others for this grieving process
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| BlackBear's Full Review: Christina M. Lemieux - Coping With the Loss of a P... |
Time is a precious and uncaring force in the universe. It moves forward without regard to any of those who stand still while it passes, yet those few special moments that are left behind seem to linger forever. But when time runs out for that special creature that you have shared so much with, it seems as if the bottom of the world has fallen away, leaving your life empty and without feeling.
This strange event happened to me on October 6, 2003. The night before, my cat began acting strange. She stopped eating very much and couldn't hold down what she did. She was having trouble breathing, but when I held her she seemed to do better. It being a late Saturday night, I made arrangements to get her to her vet first thing Monday morning. I am very sad to report that she didn't make it that long, passing peacefully in her sleep Sunday night.
She had been with me for a long time, almost thirteen years (she would have been 13 on March 16, 2004). I was the scent she ever smelled in her life, the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes as a kitten and the only constant throughout her long life. I cared for that animal better than I did for myself. My friends, who helped me deal with this loss that hit me harder than I ever thought it would, recall times that they would come to visit me and I would have no food in the house. But Bu-a had food, water, clean litter box and plenty of toys and treats at all times.
I couldn't understand what had happened. She got ill one night and died the next. Even for a cat of her age, this is a rare event. I had to know why. So I took time off from work the next day and took her into her vet. He performed an autopsy to discover that she had caught pneumonia and at her age it just swept through her immune system and destroyed her. I had such a strong relationship with her that I didn't want to simply dispose of her (her vet said that he could take care of the remains for me) nor could I bring myself to bury her in the back yard of the house I am renting.
After a bit of tear interrupted explaining, the vet made a couple calls for me and directed me to a place where I was able to get her cremated and placed into an urn with her name and a fetching likeness of her on it. I say likeness because I never got very many good pictures of her and was a little out of my head during all this.
The place that took care of her gave me several handouts concerning the process, contact numbers where I could, if I felt ready, get another pet and a small book as part of the service. Most of this information went into the trash as I had neither the desire or inclination of ever getting another pet at that time. But the small book sat on my desk for many days. After a week or so, I found myself scanning the covers and soon I began to read it.
Coping With the Loss Of a Pet was a very difficult book to read. I was still and in many ways I still am, deep in the grieving process that follows the death of someone you love. I was still hearing her in the house, would "see" a small movement from the corner of my eye and turn expecting her to be there, I even caught myself calling for her to come to bed more than once only to remember that she was gone. Dr. Christina Lemieux helped me to get past many of these things and enabled me to understand what was happening within myself.
In the past when something terrible happened to me, I would just turn into a rock. I didn't attempt to let it out. I would throw myself into my work or into my hobbies with an intensity that is scary when I look back on it. But this time around I was in a new town, with a worthless job and only a couple of friends to turn to. Without this book, I don't think I would have been able to make it through everything and still manage to keep what few things I did have going for me.
The book itself is broken into seven parts. The first section helps you to understand the deep feeling of being alone and why your life suddenly feels so "empty" because of the time that was reserved for your pet having no purpose any more.
That is followed by a very good explanation of why it is so very important to grieve at all. That is followed by a detailed section of things that will happen while grieving. What to do for the special events that were their because of the pet, how to explain why and what you are going through to others, and how to handle the guilt, anger and sadness.
Many pet owners have more than one pet at a time, including myself. I also have a large black tomcat who is the complete opposite (in every way) of the petite, Siamese female who was Bu. Thankfully, Nightshade was staying with a friend (and still is as I get closer to being able to handle having another cat around me), so he hasn't had to suffer the same loss. He will merely come home at last to find that the pesky and demanding Siamese rival is no longer in residence. Perhaps he won't even notice. The next section concerns how to help these other pets deal with the sudden disappearance of the companion they are used to having around.
The Healing section is perhaps the most valuable part of the book. It helps to walk you through all the little things that have to be done after the death of your pet. The funeral, cleaning up the toys and other numerous items that a pet gathers during a long life. Slowly getting the home into such a condition that you can begin to live again without breaking into tears for no apparent reason. Stuff like that.
Of course, when an animal has been such a large part of your life, it is very difficult to move on and forget about her. But saying good bye is not forgetting. In fact, trying to forget the loved one is perhaps the most harmful thing you could ever do to yourself. The last two areas of the book deal with remembering the pet and keeping her, if not uppermost in your thoughts, at least present in the background. You should always feel free to share a happy moment with your friends or think back fondly to the nights that you spent doing nothing more than reading a book with cat asleep in your lap. There are a lot of these "moments" in your memories and to erase them would mean erasing a large part of yourself, perhaps years.
What I call the seventh part is nothing more than a poem that speaks of a pet owner's love as he says good bye to a dear friend.
I miss my cat more than anything in the world and I have had to stop many times while writing this to deal with the renewed feelings of sadness and loss which are still very strong. But I think it is reasonable to say that without the lessons gained from this book I would never have been able to discuss the event at all. I no longer feel guilty about not spotting her illness sooner or anger over the fact that there was no emergency clinic to take her to that night. I am content in the fact that she passed sleeping in her favorite spot, happy and content to be home knowing that I would come wake her when I got in. I just wish that I had the power to restore life to her that night. Instead, I am content to keep her alive in my memories.
Recommended:
Yes
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Member: Joseph Black Bear
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