Preamble
gulp. I know, my regular readers are probably a little nervous about coming in here and reading this. So many things about me you didn't know, right? Don't be nervous. By now, unfortunately, reading stories about adults who were abused by their parents as children is common. What is the statistic? 1 in 4 or something like that?

This is a VERY long review. Too long. I'm in the mood and I feel like sharing. I apologize and will not be offended if you want to skip out now.

How I Became A Statistic
Pull up a chair. Let me tell you about my pathetic child hood. And please, the point of telling you this is not to garner sympathy. I'm just telling you like it is so that you understand what eventually led me to this book.

The earliest memories I have related to my father molesting me was when I was three years old. I won't go into any details because really, that's inconsequential. He continued this same pattern with me until my 13th birthday. It was a Friday. I know this because as soon as we got home, Dallas was on. But before that, we had to drop one of my girlfriends off at her home.

As my mother was getting out to fill up her gas tank my exact words were, "Tell Dad to leave me alone". Ladies and gentlemen, that was the beginning of the end of my life. Why?

Unfortunately, my mother was unable to deal with reality and instead of doing things the right way, she (along with my be-loved father) botched up the rest of my life. All you mothers reading this, I would bet a bazillion dollars that if your child told you something like this, your first reaction would be to take them out of the environment and to safety - i.e. you'd put their needs first.

Hmmmmmm....Instead, my mother just kept quiet about it. Sure, it seemed to upset her and sure, my father could tell that something happened on the night of my 13th birthday but no one did anything (positive) and no one said anything. No pressing charges. No taking me to the Dr. to make sure that I was okay.

Although the sexual abuse ceased, the other forms of abuse picked up. It wasn't uncommon for my father to throw me up against the wall and blame me for my mother wanting to leave him. When I stopped reacting to the headaches, his new approach was to slap me across the face whenever I went to give myself seconds at dinner time. You know at 13, being 5'9" and weighing 125 pounds, I was fat.

This fun fun fun lifestyle continued for another 7 months until my mother came home one day and said we were moving out. Finally, I thought. My mother loved me enough to want to take care of me. Okay, not really. Lies, I soon caught on, were her specialty. We moved in with some other man. Isn't that exciting?

From that point on, my mother would make sure to remind me that *I* was the one responsible for breaking up her marriage. My father was the only man she ever really loved. You know, if as a three year old, I hadn't offered myself up to him, they would still be man and wife. Throughout my teenage years, she loved referring to me as a sl*t, b*tch, and c*nt.

From a very early age, I learned to do something called disassociation. In English, that means that you literally play mind games in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. Whenever I was in a situation that was not good, I could distance my inner self from the outer self who was getting all of the crap thrown at her. It was quite a neat defense mechanism trick. It was the main reason I didn't go crazy and kill myself or someone else.

When I was 22 (1988 for those of you who aren't math geniuses), I became engaged to someone wonderful. They say you either marry someone exactly like your father or someone completely opposite of him. Mike was the opposite of my father. Funny thing was, I started breaking out in hives and ALL of the time. If you've ever had hives, then you know how embarrassing they are. Another thing is that I couldn't concentrate and was prone to sudden outbursts of tears for no apparent reason.

I finally broke down and went to see a psychiatrist. Dr. Ann. May I just tell you what a godsend she was? If a god exists, I'm convinced that it lives in Dr. Ann's body. I'll never forget our first session. She asked why I was there and I told her it was because I was breaking out in hives all of the time and I couldn't figure out why (that's the I'm always in control voice speaking). She asked all of your typical questions, Tell me about your child hood. How is your relationship with your parents? I just sort of stared at her. Okay, why was I being quizzed about something in the past? The past, is the past. What's done is done. Get over it, move on. I told her that my father "molested" me. It was so matter of fact. I did every thing in my power to get her to move off of the topic. She was bothering me.

After our third session of these run around questions, I made the decision not to go back to her. She annoyed me and my hive problem wasn't going away. That night, I had a dream that changed my life. I started remembering different situations from my child hood. I woke up shaking and 12 blankets couldn't warm me up. I finally jumped into a hot shower and cried. Jesus! Dr. Ann was right. I wasn't over this crap quite yet.

Alright. If you were ever sexually abused, than you know it is SO embarrassing to tell anyone anything about it. I mean, ick! It was gross to live through it and I don't need to have anyone looking at me funny thinking, oh, she's an INCEST victim...giggle giggle giggle. How many incest jokes have YOU told???? Uh huh. Thought so! It was difficult for me to tell her things. In 1988, I didn't realize that there were a ton of people just like me.

At my next visit, Dr. Ann had a book for me. It was the first edition of a book called, The Courage to Heal. Alright. Let me be the first to say that I think that most self-help books are a load of bull. I was extremely skeptical. A book? Help me? Rrrrrrright.

Details of the Chapters

Prior to the beginning of this first section, the authors, Laura Davis and Ellen Bass are up front about the graphic nature of the book. In the stories that are told, some of the women are pretty blunt about specific episodes. They also explain that within each section are writing exercises that you can do or not do. Whatever works for you. That's good, because I certainly didn't want to feel obligated to do any homework! I never did the writing exercises which is weird because I do love to write.

Part I: Taking Stock
This is a very important section. 20 short pages that recognize that YOU are okay. The damage that was done was not YOUR fault. The way you coped with the abuse was not YOUR fault. Usually, I shy away from blaming other people for my problems but in this one instance, it felt good for me to be able to read this type of acknowledgement. See, many abuse victims do things to not think about the situation. Some do drugs, some have eating disorders, some drink, and still others are sexually promiscuous. These coping mechanisms are a result of how you dealt with the abuse. And it's true. I can't tell you how many women I've met (years later) who have had one or more of these coping mechanisms AND they were also sexually abused.

Part II: The Healing Process
This is a very difficult section to get through when you're just starting to deal with the emotional aspect of the abuse. See, SO many people think that sexual abuse is about sex. Nope. It's all about lack of self esteem and the need for power and control. People who abuse try to compensate for their lack of character by stealing the life out of little children. You know - take their soul because obviously, they don't have one. Feel the anger in my words? Actually, they're very toned down (13 years later). Imagine the things I said back in 1988!!!

When I came to Dr. Ann, I was in the emergency stage. That's the time where your defense mechanisms start falling apart and your psyche forces you to either get a new one or to deal with all of the pain you've stuffed way down. Wow! It was kinda neat to see that I was normal in this respect.

I had difficulty trusting other people. And to this day, I still do but one thing this section helped me to understand is that not every one is like my father (or my mother for that matter). It tries to start you on the path of restoring your faith in the belief that people are mostly good.

Up until I had my son Ethan 6 years ago, I continued to blame myself for what my father did to me and most importantly, for breaking up my family and subjecting my siblings to a life that pretty much sucked. Once I had a child, logic kicked in and I couldn't believe that anyone who had a heart and soul would ever put their own needs before the needs of their child. I would die for my son. If anyone were to lay a finger on him, well, I really can't print what I would do :).

Part III: Changing Patterns
Usually, your self-esteem sucks. Many women (yes, I know men too) feel weird about normal sexual contact with others. For some, intimacy is difficult. If you were brought up Catholic like me, sex was always touted as a dirty thing. So you know, I've been dirty since the age of three. My father had no problem molesting my body but I was also fat. Try reconciling that conflict.

You want to know why I was breaking out in hives? Easy as pie. Getting married was the final stage of intimacy for me (no - not sex - that's the easy part) and I was losing faith in my ability to give myself completely to another individual. I trusted him but not unconditionally. My defense mechanisms wouldn't let me. I had too much on my plate and the hives were a way for my body to let me know that. Uh - huh, I got the hint :).

This section of the book was one I read over and over and over again. The snippets of stories told by women from all walks of life, gave me confidence that if they could move on with their life, so could I.

Part IV: For Supporters of Survivors
I gave this section to my fiance to read. Let me tell you what a trooper he was. Never complained once. He always knew about my family situation. I never gave him any graphic details because frankly, I was afraid that he wouldn't love me anymore. Seems silly, right? The book addresses concerns and questions that family members and partners might have about their loved one going through the "recovery" process. It's not too over the top. It does a good job of just trying to be informative and helpful.

Part V: Courageous Women
I understand that the authors have an entire book dedicated to stories of courageous women. These are women who were once victims but are now survivors. Let me tell you, I think the victim/survivor thing is SO overused (somebody quick - go find something else to call us!). Regardless, the stories gave me hope. They were about real people who had experiences all over the map. Some were molested by their mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, and step-families. While most molestation occurs between father and daughter, it was good that the authors didn't forget that those who had suffered at the hand of their uncle or grandfather weren't considered less abused.

Part VI: Honoring the Truth: A Response to the Backlash
This section was not in the First Edition. I believe it came out with the Second Edition in 1992. FMS or False Memory Syndrome is this thing where people basically "read" a book about having memories of sexual abuse and then, based upon that book, "believe" that they were a victim too. Pardon me for saying this. I have met people who have suffered from FMS. They're pathetic. They're sick. They hopped on the band wagon at a time when it was cool to be portrayed as a victim. Most of these individuals are manic-depressives and schizophrenic liars.

The book in essence, tells you about this movement (should I refer to is as bowel?) and what we know about memory, and who supports the backlash. I'm a little disappointed in the authors for adding this section (otherwise, I would have given it 5 stars). To respond to political pressure by marring up a tool like this only gave the "retractors" more fuel for their fire.

After the Book and Therapy
About four years after I read this book, I confronted my father and mother (separately). Both, unfortunately, turned out to be the weenies I always knew they were. You know what? The whole experience around confronting them made me realize that I was better off without them. Truth be told, they are two of the most self-centered individuals that has ever walked the face of the Earth. I never thought I could live without some sort of emotional connector to them, but now, I am SO better off without them. I cut my father off completely in 1993. And you know what, he doesn't care. Out of sight, out of mind. My mother is in my life on a limited basis. I call the shots. I decide when I want to interact with her.

You know, I really wish I would have had two parents that loved me. Reality is, I didn't. But now, I have this other family - my husband and my son - who have oodles amount of love and appreciation for me.

Where Am I Now?
I have to tell you that between this book and Dr. Ann, the real person in me emerged. Although I have my moments of insecurity and issues with trust, I feel pretty much like every other non-molested human being. I think that George W. Bush sucks as President and NSYNC is still the hottest boy group around :).

The End
I apologize for the length of this. Promise, I won't do this often :). This is a great resource. You probably won't be able to sit down and digest it all in one sitting. It will probably take you many months to get through depending on what stage you are in and how ready you are to cope with things. The nice thing about this book is that YOU are in control.

Recommended: Yes