counsel's Full Review: Dave Barry - Dave Barry Turns 40
Getting old is hell, and getting older really sucks. Having said that, it is not enough for guys to let their mid-life crisis just happen. It takes planning, and there are a few things that we, as middle-aged guys who are worried about nothing but our enlarged bodies, balding heads, driving red convertibles and dating women half our age (is my wife reading this?), ought to be thinking about. I have blatantly plagiarized an authoritative source - Dave Barry Turns 40 - to better assist us in our understanding of this problem.
Barry is The Man. I credit him with the fact that I wear Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts when it's forty degrees outside; I need to credit him for my embryonic sense of humor as well. Hopefully my sense of humor will grow as I continue to study the gospel of Dave:
Dave Barry Turned 40 - and SO WILL YOU
NOW - What is male mid-life crisis? It's when you look at your life and accomplishments and ask "Is this all there is?" It's when us guys decide that, in spite of everything we have, it isn't enough - in spite of the home, cars, family, decent job and caring friends, we feel trapped (especially if the wife is holding out), and there must be something more we can do, something we will call, for want of a better term, "making a fool of ourselves."
Women, you need to understand something - this whole process is perfectly natural. It happens to all males, including members of the animal kingdom. Think of the caterpillar. He spends lots of time munching shrubbery, but one day, out of the blue, he tells his wife "Dammit, Louise, I'm sick of shrubbery."
As is always the case with a wife, she does not understand him - in this case, because her brain isn't much larger than a pinhead, but also because he seems like a complete stranger now - he's a totally different insect. Soon he leaves to live in his own cocoon, and emerges with a whole new "look" - fast mode of transportation, bright colors, and gold jewelry. He soars into the sky, feeling free, and Louise watches from far below, and feels conflicting emotions - sorrow, because she may have lost her mate, but also a strange kind of joy, because he is about to be eaten by a bat.
Fortunately - this rarely happens to human males. Unfortunately, what DOES happen is worse - there is no end to the humiliating activities (see "Hair Transplants" and "Penile Enlargement") that a man will undergo while in the throes of this phase. He will give up a promising career in law to be a white water rafting guide. He will start wearing designer fragrances (e.g.; Ralph Lauren's "Musque de Studde Hombre: for the man who wants a woman who wants a man that smells vaguely like a horse"). He will encase his pale, porky carcass in a "pouch" style bikini swimsuit the size of which makes Victoria's Secret panties look like a parachute. And if it's a really severe case of mid-life crisis, he will run for President of the United States.
Mid-life crisis is triggered when one morning, about 2:30 a.m., a male realizes he has spent his entire life doing something he hates. Let's take lawyers for example, since I can speak to that. Your average middle-aged attorney did not become a lawyer overnight. He worked hard for many years, studied for thousands of hours and made many sacrifices - such as drinking mass-produced domestic beer - to become a lawyer. Then, one day he writes his client a standard letter with standard prefab phrases such as "please be advised, with reference to the aforementioned subject matter" but discovers after he's re-read it that it says "Please be advised to stick the aforementioned subject matter into the most appropriate personal orifice."
Then he realizes it. He hates being a lawyer. He hates his clients. He (needless to say) hates other lawyers. He hates that when he tells people what he does for a living, they react as if he said "Nazi medical researcher." He hates Latin phrases. He hates his briefcase. He wants to be a hang-gliding instructor.
Is there any method for dealing with a mid life career crisis? Putting that question to a group of psychologists, they didn't bother to answer - they hate being psychologists and are sick of dealing with our pathetic little problems. They want to be test pilots.
Sex After 40 (or - Sex?? After 40???)
All this is complicated by the problems that arise when you start dealing with sex. Younger people don't have a problem - they have sex a little more often - like, when they stop at each traffic light. People our age are much more dignified about it, saving sex for certain special occasions, such as the installation of a new Pope.
Does that mean that as a middle-aged man, we're no longer capable of feeling the lust that we did as a 20-year-old? No! We're just as attracted as we ever were toward 20-year-olds! The problem is that everyone our own age seems repulsive.
I blame this on the advertising media, which works itself to death making middle age appear to be as attractive as death by slow maggot consumption. Today's ads show young people writhing all around a product, looking as if they are going to have sex with each other, or the product, any second. Whereas, when you see older people in advertisements, they are usually having demeaning conversations with cheerful doctors about their swollen hemorrhoidal tissue or incontinence problems.
The image of aging created by the media is not what you call glamorous. But physiologically speaking, there's no reason why we middle-aged types should become less active sexually. Our role model should be biblical stud muffins like Job, who, if I remember correctly, remained sexually active for a couple hundred years. I also vaguely recall him getting boils all over his body, though, so maybe the first hundred years is enough. On the other hand, latex condoms were not available in biblical times, so there you are.
But there is nothing to prevent us from remaining sexually active until our golden years, except the ever present possibility that when old people are Doing It, "It" will cause sudden death. This has been known to happen. In the interests of common decency I won't name names, but this probably happened to a billionaire who was once VP of the United States and whose name rhymes with "Pelson Pockefeller." He was allegedly "working late" one night with an "intern" or "research assistant" and all of a sudden, probably right in the middle of an important footnote, bang (so to speak), he's gone.
But this probably won't happen to you. For one thing, you don't even have a research assistant, much less a White House intern. But you should nevertheless follow these common-sense rules:
- Use only low-sodium aphrodisiacs
- No whips, chains or appliances requiring more than 200 watts
- No poultry
- No playing "Mr. Johnson Goes to the Circus".
If you bear these rules in mind, there's no reason you can't have an enjoyable sex life - unless, of course, you're a middle-aged guy, in which case you may be all ready to have sex, and your S.O. has happily agreed and is ready to go - but there is no "pop in your pickle" so to speak. If this happens to you on a fairly consistent basis, you may begin to think that
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
If that happens, try not to dwell on the idea that
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
Because, odds are, it's purely psychological, in spite of the fact your subconscious is telling you
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
over and over again, like a broken record, hammering home the message that
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
Psychiatrists agree that, if this happens, the best thing to do is
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
No! Shut up! Stop! Psychiatrists say that the best
YOU ARE IMPOTENT
Sorry, but it's no use - I just can't finish this paragraph.
Ha, ha! Just a little impotency humor there. There's really no problem, here, because there's all kinds of things they can do now, involving surgical implants, valves, switches and remote control devices that will ensure you can get an erection not only when you want to have sex - but whenever someone dials their cell phone or turns on their microwave oven.
And there you are. This merely scratches the surface of the philosopher/therapist that is Dave Barry, and the great book, Dave Barry Turns 40. You should read it now. And button up that shirt.
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