David Archuleta is, apparently, not a Disney star, much to my surprise; however he is one of the more recent American Idol singers. In other words, he's another corporate-music-bitch-puppet in the words of a good friend. Though only a mere year younger than I am, he looks like he's twelve, which may have been what initially threw me off. But more interesting is that he sings like he's five years older than he actually is. I'm not saying he has that whole Rick Astley thing going on, but he doesn't really sound eighteen-- at least not vocally, though I can't say the same lyrically, not that he really had a damn thing to do with them. Up until now I had never really given him a listen, aside from a few snippets here and there. Sitting down to listen to (suffer through) the eponymous debut from this guy is mind-numbing. You know that guy who gets the girl on shows like Gossip Girl? The girl from some suburb who all the girls at college just love? The tool who is cool with all the guys, but still is a sensitive musician under the old oak trees? Musically, nobody could ever represent such a tool better than the grand and boring David Archuleta.

On his debut record, he wastes no time in making me want to drink a shot of espresso. The music is nothing to write home about. The production isn't exactly very modern, rather it sounds very early 2000s/late 1990s. Respected reviewer Glvrican made a note about how often he uses the beat found on Beyonce's Irreplaceable. And ever since reading that, I couldn't help but compare each and every track to it. The semi-fast handclap/beatbox sample is found over and over again, making this album consistent, though boring as hell. The lead-off single, I understand, was Crush, which is also the opening track. As far as innocent pop songs go it's not bad. In fact, I found it fairly enjoyable until the end, during which he wails on and on, sounding more and more like Kermit the Frog and less like him. Is that really his voice, or do I detect a little computer-generated help? All I'm saying is that it sounds remarkably unnatural...

Listening to his debut album track by track is like picking and choosing production from other people's albums. There's a little Coldplay; a little Brandy; a little Beyonce; a little Clay Aiken; a little Fray. It leaves me wondering if there is anything at all original about this man. I hope to God it's not that Kermit the Frog thing going on. Desperate is a knock-off if I've ever heard one, though it's clever enough to be so generic that you can't trace its origins. As far as production goes, it's very stylized and dated, and you've definitely heard it about a thousand times. I don't know about you guys, but I'm sick of these semi-sensitive singers who have absolutely nothing cool or fun to bring to the table. This album is the soundtrack to ever teen soap opera. I swear, if this isn't the score to One Tree Hill or The OC, than I'm more out of touch with reality than I thought.

Touch of My Hand captured my interest for a little while for being one of the least-generic songs. Unfortunately, mid-track, the typical American Idol pop sound just gets to me and I had to have the track changed. Pseudo-hip hop dripped songs do this guy no favors, as outlined by the forgettable Barriers. I've been told to take note of To Be With You, another commonly found piano song, but this time I'd have to say that at least it's tolerable. Comprised of a simple melody with decent and appropriate lyrics, it's the kind of music that I'd expect him to make. It's not a great song, but it's certainly from a certain quality that stands head and shoulders above the rest, and I can respect that. But you know what I don't respect? The horrid production on Running, which is more or less a direct Chris Brown rip-off. It's stale, it's tired, and it's boring as hell. The super-awkward chorus is entertaining the first time you hear it, but the vocal overlay turns into overKILL. And let's not discuss the JC Chasez crap on Don't Let Go...

The most musically adventurous song on this album is the country/hip-hop mix of Your Eyes Don't Lie, which has an interesting beat. I was just about ready to chuck this album out of the window until I heard the punching and sultry production. The whistling sample are clever, and had the rest of the album sounded this like track, I'd be compelled to raise the score for this record. That states, I can't help but wonderful if this song would have been the album filler on a good version of this record. Maybe I'm just desperate for something cool. I've been on a reviewing roll today, this being my forth one in about an hour and a half. My spirit may have just been officially broken, though. David Archuleta, you are my wall.

JUDGING
What makes him so special? Anything? Anything at all? I mean, he sounds like THE typical American Idol contestant. In other words, he's just a voice. If you're going to let other people take the reigns, write the music, and produce the album, you better do a damn sure good job that they are doing your voice justice. Words to the not-yes-so-wise.

Crush (3 Stars)
Touch My Hand (2.5 Stars)
Barriers (1 Star)
My Hands (1 Star)
A Little Too Not Over You (2 Stars)
You Can (2 Stars)
Running (1 Star)
Desperate (1.5 Stars)
To Be With You (2.5 Stars)
Don't Let Go (1 Star)
Your Eyes Don't Lie (4 Stars)
Angels (2 Stars)

OVERALL SCORE: 2 STARS (1.95+)

Recommended: No