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Punish me Sadistic Samurai, I've been a bad Geisha!

Jun 26, 2001
Review by  
Rated a Very Helpful Review
  • User Rating: Excellent

  • Action Factor:
  • Special Effects:
  • Suspense:

Pros:Torture, sadism and might I add mini-clogs?

Cons:The commentators have the brain capacity of poorly castrated garden gnomes

The Bottom Line: If you enjoy shows in which people are tortured for hours on end, and no I'm not talking about a Barbara Streisand concert, then this show is for you.

Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

The Japanese seem to take great pleasure in torturing, so do many of us, but that is not the point. We torture our enemies, foreign exchange students and the elderly, but not ourselves. Well if you do come from East Germany, like I do, the crack of the leather whip and the clack clack of the Fraulein's boots on the cold Krupp concrete, is somewhat comforting.
Welcome to "Endurance", sadism for money and the breaking of ever so fragile code by which the Japanese live by, pride.
Picture "Jeopardy" as hosted by Rosie O'Donnel (in bondage gear, with a heavy hangover brought on by drinking copious amounts of Everclear). Might I add her co-host would be none other than Kathy Lee Gifford (making her entrance riding on a goat cleverly disguised as a moth eaten Afghan rug?) Enough to induce suicide among Dr. Kavorkian's un-supporters and the drinking of large amounts of cyanide laced Kool Aid by followers of "The Golden Girls."
The video was rented, by me Dieter, as watching such videos as “The Carnal Camping Toilet,” “The Androgenous Pretzel” and “Gilligan meets Spanky the Sock Puppet” had become rather depressing. I had yearned for some joy, something light, some roasted nipples. Yes roasted nipples! No this isn’t some fluke, they do exist, as I shall shortly inform you.
This particular video is a classic, 1985. Old, but like Janet Reno in a thong, it can only get better with age. Known as “The Gaman” in Japan, the US released version is narrated by two rather nauseating commentators who have either sustained brain injuries on the job or have failed miserably at what some may call a “voice acting” career.
Although it is not fully dubbed, these two make the act of watching the show “un-muted” an act of endurance in itself. We have one snotty sounding Brit, who sounds like either Margaret Thatcher or the Queen Mother after a full colon exam sans Vaseline as performed by a proctologist with arm hair the texture of steel wool. He comments on the European leg of the torture or shall I say tour?
In Asia we are treated to yet another commentator, Biff or Butch, whatever his name is, takes the part of the mentally retarded football slash jock commentator. An American I might add.
Picture these two social miscreants after a heavy dose of the old two by four to the skull, and a vegetative result shall soon come into effect. Ta-da your hosts.
Hit mute, believe me, I would rather be flayed alive by a Lithuanian dwarf wearing red clogs and a colander on his head, than listen to their constant drivel.
But these two rather nauseating clods soon fall away once we start being fed pictures of little yellow men being tortured for the pleasure of a week long American vacation. I don’t suppose anyone would sit through torture in order to go to the bad ol’ US of A? Masochism must be a problem among contestants, as wanting to go to the US is yet another display of them wanting to be tortured. Odd I say.
Well the show beings with the last eight contestants (eight in Asian leg/eight in the European leg) being tied to crosses in a Spanish bull ring. The purpose being, the one who can endure standing in the ring the longest before the fear of being mauled drives him into the arms of the host. Little do they know the bull is mechanical, and with their backs to it, who would know the difference? As each contestant is tied to the cross, we are treated to the various events they each competed in in order to get to this point.
Biff/Butch, throughout makes rather bland football related comments that have no purpose but to annoy the audience. I would like to see his jockstrap filled with the crab population of a well used wh()re. Now for the events.
I will not mention every event as it would ruin it for those that actually enjoy sadistic torture, and we wouldn’t want to ruin it for them.
The one event that made my heart flutter and certain parts of my body to atrophy and shrivel, was the “Spanish Canon Ball to the Bottom” event. It involves the contestants being forced to hang from a castle wall by a rope while canon balls are catapulted against their rear ends. Anyone who tried to avoid the flying ball of steel was promptly nailed on the head by an oddly shaped pumpkin.
The best by far was the Egyptian event in which the contestants had to stand on their heads against a reflective shield in the midday Saharan sun. If this was not torture enough, hot coals were place on their heels while young Arab boys burned their nipples with magnifying glasses. Oh and might I add they were pelted by cacti while the locals spread shovel fulls of fire heated sand on their writhing bodies…..
The most unusual of all events I believe, or let me say the cruelest, was the “Ring of Fire.” In this event the contestants a pulled through semi-circles of fire on a cart while being doused with gasoline. Little do they know it is not gas but water. To get the point across a dummy is doused with gasoline and pulled through the hoops, well the results are obvious. The looks of pain and fear are enough to make this a must rent/buy.
Oh well, may you find misery in my reviews and pleasure in my misery. But that tis the life of an artist.
I can only recommend this show to you, with all the lame flatulent shows we are forced to watch on cable, this is but a whiff of fresh air. I commend it, I praise it, I slave my soul to its loins! Domo Arigato! You have pleased me once again. May the form of a nude nubile Geisha walk your back, crushing out all the kinks from your crippled spine, for many a full moon.
Oh well, what is their more to say…………enjoy.

Recommend this product? Yes

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: Good for Groups
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older

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