You can tell which activities Dr. David Reuben was heavily engaged in back in 1969, when he first published Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex *but were afraid to ask, by the judgments he ladles onto them. By any reasonable analysis, Dr. Reuben was a chronic masturbator and frequent bordello patron.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex purports to be a scholarly take on human sexuality written for the lay reader. Presumably, 15 years after Kinsey’s work, a decade after Masters and Johnson, several years after the introduction of The Pill and a year or so after the Summer of Love, Reuben figured out that a sexual revolution was in the offing, and it was high time he cash in with his own fantastical theories on human sexuality, and some invented anecdotes to support those theories. They’re presented in the form of a marginally Socratic dialogue between a presumably brain damaged reader and the (slightly more brain damaged) “doctor.”

Everything You Always Wanted to Know ... became a huge best seller, in spite of the fact that it is one of the most reprehensible books ever written on the subject of human sexuality. Reuben’s ignorance is surpassed only by his simple-minded mean spiritedness, and one wonders if it wasn’t his misogyny, homophobia and penchant for titillating cautionary tales that accounted for the immense popularity of his book at a time when many straight middle class men were beginning to feel under siege.

Rueben’s out-dated appraisals regarding just about every sexual peccadillo, practice and orientation are surprising, because he appears to come out squarely in favor of two things that one would expect to be frowned upon by the Victorian-minded readers he otherwise writes for. He really digs hookers and jerking-off.

Misdefining “Normal”

Much of what Rueben offers appears to be informed by his personal view of what “normal” is, on a number of different subjects. An indication about Reuben’s singular obsession should be the first question in the book: “How Big is the normal penis?”

When it comes to the habits and physical attributes of heterosexual men, Rueben’s spectrum of “normal” is, well, normal. The spectrum is widely inclusive and value neutral. Masturbation is an acceptable part of human sexuality to be embraced and encouraged. Patronage of prostitutes is an acceptable expression of male hetero sexuality. But when speaking of women or homosexuals, the spectrum is reduced significantly.

For instance, he claims that “Most men can prolong intercourse sufficiently so that a “normal” woman can reach orgasm as a result.” (p. 90) Standard tactic that allows men to justify their failure to contribute to their female partner’s orgasm by simply placing her outside the realm of “accepted” norms.

Anachronisms and Medical Misinformation

There is much in this book that you would never hear anyone say today, as when he likens the labia minora to “misplaced rooster combs” and a “crankshaft” (p.36). Or, in response to a question about when women can become pregnant, he states: “... before, during or after menstruation. Lots of chaps who pay child support will testify to that.” The book is rife with these sorts of statements, and it is sort of shocking to find them in a book published so recently.

In part, one wants to say that the book is merely an amusing relic of its time, which it is. But there is also something really insidious about the medical, psychological and factual misinformation that Reuben either invented or perpetuated. In some areas, the misinformation is benign, of the type we expect to be spread among junior high school students who, with time, will learn the error of their retarded little ways. But some of the other exchanges make you want to hunt down Dr. Reuben and kick him very, very hard in the nuts.

For instance, expanding on his advice that various douche solutions provide effective protection against pregnancy, Reuben notes the product that has been found to be most effective:

Coca-Cola ... A Coke contains carbonic acid which kills the sperm and sugar which explodes the sperm cells. The carbonation forces it into the vagina under pressure and helps penetrate every tiny crevice of vaginal lining. It is inexpensive, universally applicable and comes in a disposable applicator ... After intercourse, the woman doesn’t even have to get out of bed. She merely reaches over to the table, picks up a bottle of warm coke, shakes vigorously, and inserts the neck of the bottle into the vagina ... Instantly, she has an effervescent douche.... (p.233)

While I’m sure the soda company was pleased with Reuben’s take on their “Have a Coke and a Smile” jingle, not to mention the prominent product placement in a best selling book, the good doctor might have noted that the effervescent carbonated beverage would also be a wonderful source of yeast infections, itself perhaps a better protection from pregnancy than anything you could pick up from the refrigerated section of your local 7-11.

On the other hand, some exchanges are knee-slappingly funny: In describing the rare malady vaginismus, (a condition wherein “...the lips of the mouth may say ‘yes’ but the lips of the vagina are shouting ‘NO!’”) Reuben related the following story about what happened one night to poor Gene:

We had a good time and a few drinks and then went over to her place ... she was nervous like she didn’t do it all the time, but we got along all right. After we were in bed, I started to put it in her but she said “It hurts.” Well, a lot of them are like that – you know, they want you to think it’s the first time and all that ... I pushed it on in but right away I knew there was something wrong – it just didn’t feel right. Then it happened. She screamed and her whole business clamped right down on me. I felt like I was caught in a bear trap! I tried to pull out but that was my next mistake. Her, her, you know, grabbed me even tighter and it hurt like hell... Then the people in the next apartment started knocking on the door and I yelled at her to keep quiet. That was a bad move. When they heard me yelling ... they called the cops. Man, I wanted to get away but I couldn’t move the way she was hanging on to me... The cops broke down the door ... They must’ve seen this deal before because they started laughing. Then her two girlfriends came in. Wow! By then I would’ve left my organ behind if I could’ve gotten away ...

Thankfully, Gene learned a valuable lesson from the incident. Thereafter, he offered, “If a girl just doesn’t seem right, I tell her ‘Why don’t you save it for marriage, honey? We’ll both feel better that way.” (p. 119-20)

That’s sweet, isn’t it?

The remainder of the book is so packed with items that are either medically or factually incorrect, or apparently the product of Rueben’s vivid imagination, that it would be impossible to address them all without drafting a book three times the size of his book. But a few of the highlights follow:

– Ben-Wa balls are widely used in the far east as an effective masturbatory device.
– No matter what they say, most strippers enjoy their work, because they are exhibitionists who derive sexual satisfaction from displaying their breasts to large groups of men. (p. 180)
– Many Africans are afflicted with testicular elephantitis that causes their balls to grow so large they have to carry them around in wheelbarrows (p. 19)
– “Since most women know what men want to hear ... they are always willing to acknowledge an orgasm, even if they haven’t had one” (p. 41)
– “... in the usual course of copulation the c!itoris is getting all the stimulation it can handle” [apparently rendering the reach-around a superfluous activity] (p. 43)
– Evolutionary changes in the angle of the vagina make rear entry intercourse less “natural” and enjoyable for human women. (p. 59)
– Circumcised penises experience much more exquisite pleasure during intercourse than uncircumcised ones.
– LSD is a legitimate and powerful aphrodisiac, second only to testosterone and marijuana. (p.78).
– In swinging Europe, there are many prostitutes with stretchable hymens who sell themselves as virgins at a much higher rate than regular prostitutes, and also sell tickets to peepers and fill their vaginas with chicken blood beforehand to give an accurate impression of virginity (p. 29)
– How many orgasms can a woman have? (p. 37) “Recent investigators stopped the experiments after fifty or so consecutive climaxes [during an experiment in which] a female volunteer engaged in sexual intercourse with a male volunteer” who would copulate until she reached an orgasm, and then he would be replaced by another male volunteer who would perform the same task. After 50, says the good doctor, “the lady was still ... willing but the experimenters were hungry for dinner ... and anxious wives were beginning to telephone their husbands at the laboratory.”
– With a bit of practice, women should be able to obtain so much control over the entire musculature of the vaginal walls that they can essentially stroke a penis to orgasm with nothing more than muscle contractions. (p. 61) (I’m not saying it can’t be done. I’ve just never heard of anyone other than Liz Taylor who could do it.)

Some of this stuff is particularly surprising because he clearly has the medical training to get it right if he wanted to. He’s dead on in his discussions of prenatal differentiation of male and female gonads, his discussions of STDs and their causes and effects are largely accurate, and his lengthy passages on various sexual dysfunctions suffered by men are both open-minded and correct according to the literature of the time. That he obviously could have done better on these other issues makes Reuben, to my mind, a despicable quack. That he supports his arguments with such clearly fabricated anecdotes makes him the worst kind of medical fraud. And his treatment of gays makes him the most scorn-worthy lowlife ever to appear on the New York Times best sellers list (before Ann Coulter).

Homophobiaphilia

The common usage of the term “homophobic” refers to a dislike of gay people. But it’s technically more applicable to someone like Reuben, who has a genuine fear of gay men, born of a complete misapprehension of nearly every facet of gay life and sex, an astonishing cluelessness regarding biology and the differences between gender identity and sexual preference, and a willingness to embrace every urban myth and stereotype to come down the pike.

“Homosexuality extracts a high emotional price from the participants” he states (p. 48) equating it, among the panoply of sexual activity that “does damage”, with rape, child molestation and adultery. He portrays gay men as merely deviant, hypersexual and mentally disturbed versions of heterosexuals, who can’t resist the lure of cheap oral sex through bathroom glory-holes or the delights of having household items shoved into their rectums. He notes that their sexual practices are physiologically and psychologically both unnatural and damaging.

(Interestingly, even though homosexuals also engage in fellatio, heterosexual fellating “isn’t wrong or harmful” because it’s only a prelude to intercourse. (p. 170) Of course, he points out, blow jobs are also okay when not a prelude to intercourse if the man has a spinal injury or his wife has vulval cancer. But to merely choose oral sex over intercourse is “a probable sign of an emotional problem.” (p. 171).)

A Note About The New Edition

The sad thing is that we can’t really take Reuben as a mere relic of a bygone era. In 1999, he re-released his book with what he claims is 96.9% new material. In a chat hosted by ABC.com, he came under some attack for his views on homosexuality:

Q: Your description of gay men appears ridiculous at best. Do you believe that homosexuality is psychologically unhealthy? Shouldn't sexuality and sexual exploration between consenting adults be regarded as healthy and explored? ...

Reuben : First of all, that's not a question, that's a statement of subjective personal opinion. In the chapter on homosexuality, all I do is describe is what homosexuals do and nobody can argue with that. It's a matter of fact. Anybody can confirm it by their own observations. If you want to get into an argument about homosexuality, I suggest you find somebody else to argue with. Your insinuation that anyone who objects to homosexuality is a closet homosexual is just stupid.

Q: As an expert on sex, your treatment of homosexuality is questionable. The idea that all homosexual individuals engage in deviant promiscuous behavior is unfortunate but not surprising. The idea that there are "normal" homosexual couples who work arduously at a wholesome, strong, loving, and nurturing monogamous relationship remains too challenging only for those with a narrow gestalt and a confined world view. Nonetheless, such myopic treatment on a very real aspect of human sexuality deserves comment and perhaps readdressing at some point.

Reuben: I thought this was supposed to be questions, not political statements. I'm also amazed that so many people consider themselves experts on human sexuality, especially in one particular area. If they want to write their own book on human sexuality, I suggest the following preparation: medical school, internship, residency and 42 years as a practicing physician. I think then they might be qualified to express an opinion.


In doing my research for this review, I had intended to attempt to make a point about the sort of damage a book like this was likely to inflict on any young, gay boys who were unfortunate enough to stumble upon Reuben’s tome. While it frustrates me that someone has already made the point, I am pleased that the person who did it was syndicated sex advice columnist Dan Savage:

Savage: I am gay, and I read the first edition of your book when I was 12 years old. What you said about gay people--which was wrong even at the time--was highly damaging to me. What I learned from your book was that I would have sex only in bowling alleys, and then only with strangers, and that no relationship I would ever have would last.

I've been with my partner five years, we have a baby, and we're very happy together. Your broad
generalizations about "what homosexuals do" are less offensive in your new edition, but still way off the mark. I hope no gay 12-year-olds find your book and read it. I would like to know if you would apologize to me and other gay people who read your first edition, and were harmed by it.

Reuben: OK, fine. Dear Dan, I suggest that you consider a course in reading comprehension. First and foremost you misquote my first book and misunderstand my second book. I'm not interested in debating the philosophical aspects of homosexuality with you, I congratulate you on your personal relationship and if you want apologies I suggest you contact someone who has done something to apologize for. I'm not that one. Parenthetically, I am amazed at people like you, who consider themselves to be an expert on a sexual topic without a medical degree.

A Quick Dig at The Editors

In addition to being poorly written and poorly researched, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know ... manages to pull a crappy book hat-trick by also being poorly edited. Indicative of it’s sloppiness is a discussion that begins on page 13, wherein the pretend reader asks “Don’t the testicles have something to do with potency?”

“Yes, in an indirect way” answers the doctor.

The Socratic dialogue is apparently taking place between two retards though, because on page 17, the reader again asks, “Don’t the testicles have something to do with potency?”

To which the doctor responds, “Unfortunately not....”

Oh, I see. Thanks for clarifying.

In conclusion, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, but were afraid to ask is a terrible, yet hysterical, book written by one of the great losers of both the scientific and literary world.







Recommended: No