susidee34's Full Review: Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror
Fortunately I didn’t pop a bowl of popcorn or I would have probably spewed it across the room while watching The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror. There is a town in Virginia that I pass every time I head on my north/south trips called Fancy Gap. For some reason the name always struck me and I had a yearning to spend the night there sometime. It is located in a very scenic part of the Blue Ridge Parkway so I thought there would probably be some very nice digs about.
On one seemingly endless trip from Charleston, SC to Ohio, with dog in tow, I mentioned to Diane that I would like to stay there. Especially since we had this dog who, as it turned out, wasn’t fond of traveling anyway. We pulled off the highway just as darkness was falling and made the turn onto the main drag of Fancy Gap. There is a reason the saying “Just Say No” came into being and Fancy Gap is that reason. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Norman Bates would have come out to greet us.
The reason I bring this up is because of the Sahara Salvation Resort portrayed in this movie. Among many other bad things about the place, it is located 500 miles from nowhere and looks like the last time someone slapped a coat of paint on it was when Benjamin and Moore decided to join up and start a company. The surrounding area is bereft of landscaping except for two lonely rose trees out in the middle of the dirt and litter strewn yard.
But I’m jumping ahead. First you have to sit through the credits which are accompanied by a poorly disguised drag queen with a Nancy Sinatra fetish singing “Watch Out For The Straights”. After that seemingly endless performance is finished, then we move into another ½ hour of wasted time as we watch each carload of guests on their way to the B&B. This, I assume, is to give us a little background on each one and to fill in some film footage.
There is every variety of the stereotypical gay/lesbian included in the group, including a faghag with one gay couple. She’s there to get over the loss of a loved one, I think. Anyway, they are all converging on this area because it is time for the annual blue party. Naturally all available accommodations are taken so this ragtag bunch are delegated to this out of the way B&B. They have no idea what they have in store for them.
The owner, Helen, is just about as bizarre as a human can be and still walk upright. She even has the nerve to mention the faghag wears too much makeup. Trust me on this, Elizabeth Arden doesn’t have as much makeup as Helen. She is accompanied by her daughter, Luella, equally strange.
But that is nothing compared to Manfred, the son, who they keep locked in a cage in the attic. Manfred, by the way, is the result of a union between Helen and 100 Republicans … well, you had to be there to understand. Manfred, by the way, doesn’t walk upright, he is half slug and half man, or something like that.
Helen’s one goal, hence the name of the resort, is to find a man for her daughter. Of course, running a gay B&B kind of limits the pickings but she figures she will be able to convert one lucky individual and turn her lesbian daughter into a God fearing, Jesus loving, person … can you say Amen …
The acting, title loosely given, was done so poorly I won’t even mention the name of one individual in the film. I’m sure they didn’t tell their friends and family “Oh, you’ve got to see my latest film” and it resides in some secret closet of their lives like old nude photos of famous stars. If B films are a classification, this is easily a Y or Z. written and directed by Jaymes Thompson. No rating, no awards.
This film is so bad on so many levels all I can repeat is … Just Say No.
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