(Apologies in advance if this review sounds a bit mean-spirited. It's all in the best of fun, given Glaceau's own self-mocking attitude towards its products.)

Background

I think there must be something wrong with me, some sort of mental disease induced by years of drinking hyper-flavored carbonated beverages and Gatorade that has left my taste buds addled, but, for the life of me, I just can't stand behind this particular variety of Vitamin Water. Sure the company has funny advertising slogons and strategies, and sure the drink is pumped up to the nines with B vitamins, but, at the end of the day, I'd much rather drink water than this liquid...chemical.

Having grown up relatively isolated from any type of health food store or the like, I had never heard about Vitamin Water until a year ago, when some of my co-workers began drinking it during their lunch break. Curious, I looked at the discarded bottles lying in the trash can and managed to make out the funny description on the bottles (not literally of course; I don't like to make a habit of rooting around in the trash-bin). Well, being a sucker for comedy, I decided to buy a bottle. Being close friends with the fruit-punch from Gatorade's offering, I decided to start my Vitamin journey with the same flavour. Big mistake.

Anyway, before we get into my opinion (and to keep you in suspense because I'm a jerk), let's just get some of the description foreplay done with...

Ingredients

Vapor distilled, deionized, and/or reverse osmosis water (good start, seeing as how we wouldn't have much of a drink without some of the old dihydrogen monoxide); crystalline fructose (a bit of sugar never hurt anyone); natural flavour (what the heck is this supposed to mean? Yeah, sure, I could gather drainage water in a cup and call it a "natural" flavour as well, but that would be mean...); citric acid (no funny remarks past this point); monopotassium phosphate; dipotassium phosphate; vegetable juice; magnesium lactate; calcium lactate; gum acacia; niacin; ester gum; pantothenic acid; pyridoxine hydrochloride; cyanocobalamin

Nutrition Facts

(All amounts relating to entire 20oz. bottle)
Calories: 125
Total Fat: 0g
Sodium: 0mg
Potassium: 350mg
Total Carbohydrates: 32.5g
--Sugar: 32.5g
Protein: 0g

100% Vitamin C
50% Vitamin B3
50% Vitamin B6
50% Vitamin B12
50% Vitamin B5

Taste

Ah, the section you all have been waiting for. Well, and I reiterate that this is just my opinion, Vitamin Water Fruit Punch tastes nasty. And I say this having experienced the ravages of public school food on my taste buds. As others of have already stated, it's a very flat initial taste, semi-sugary but not overwhelmingly so, with little to no bite. The fruit-punch is detectable, but only peripherally so, and it's more vaguely cherry flavoured sugar-water than not.

All well and good, you might say, but, xosag, where's the beef? Well, ladies and gentlemen, after the swallow is where the fun starts, because I get this ridiculous chemical aftertaste in my mouth. I have a bottle sitting right (or maybe left?) next to me, freshly chilled, so let me just take a drink and try to conjure up some words.

...

Nope, I can't do it. My limited grasp of the English language has not given me sufficient information to convey to you, the reader, the assault that is taking place right now upon my taste buds. In rough estimation, it's somewhere between molten plastic and burnt rubber, but not quite close to either, with a bit of herbal tea blended into the mix. And, of course, I could use much more vulgar terms to describe the taste (involving genitalia), but, given my family friendly attitude, I'll refrain.

On the plus side, as long as you're consuming some strong bodied food, like a jalapeno pepper, you'll experience none of the uncomfortable after-tastes I have just described.

And, just to make sure I didn't get a bad bottle, I bought two from two different stores, and, yes, Virginia, they all taste the same.

Effects

Being an avid runner who racks up maybe 20-25 miles a week (I don't know if that qualifies me for avid, but let's just go with that for now), I usually turn to Gatorade to fill me back up after a hard day's workout. However, yesterday, just for the sake of it, I decided to use Vitamin Water, and I return with some good news for you Glaceau fans, because I felt no significant difference downing either beverage. Ignoring the awful after-taste, I felt roughly as refreshed as I had using Gatorade after downing 1.5 bottles (30oz) of the stuff.

However, given the lack of sodium in Vitamin Water, I would probably not recommend this as an ideal sports drink for those who sweat ferociously on the sports field. For daily usage, if you don't mind (or have) the after-taste, it's at least a semi-healthier alternative to Gatorade and/or soda, though the sugar content is on the high side.

Conclusion

Glaceau is a very clever company, I'll give them that. And I'll imagine that Vitamin Water Fruit Punch is not at all a bad product for most people.

Unfortunately for me, however, due to the awful after-taste, it's about the equivalent to a kick in the nuts. Sure, it may be (with apologies to Ben Croshaw) a well-mannered, lovable, witty, charming, give you roses, a hug, and a box of chocolates, kick-in-the-nuts with a dashing smile and the best of intentions, but, at the end of the day, you're still walking funny.

Now where's my Gatorade?

Recommended: No