Okay, the Bible. Talk about taking on a touchy subject. But, the Monkey is never one to shy away from sensitive issues, so here I go.

First off, I got nothing against the Bible or most of the people who read & believe it. I don't, but then again, I don't have to. We live in the US, where we are free from religious autocracy. Unfortunately, many followers of this book forget that and pester the non-believer mercilessly. This, then, is an open letter to those proselytizing christians who continue to harrass and abuse the rest of us.

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Dear christian,

I recently received an unsolicited letter and propaganda in the mail from you. Some little "feel-good" note about how I should read my Bible and all. This confused me, because not only did I not request this, I don't even own a Bible. So why did I get it? I do not want anything to do with you christians, and I damn sure don't want your cheap "digest" polluting my privacy. What's next, sending our "1/2 off all sins" coupons to try to increase business? This cheap hustle smells like some of the cr*p those greed-head, hypocrite televangelists would pull. You know the type, those plastic haired charlatans who claim to heal the stupid and in-bred by slapping them on the forehead while extorting money from them. These are the type of felons who consort with ignorant rednecks, neo Nazis and right wing power mongers. Why the hell are you sending this toilet paper substitute to me? It's amazing to what depths you christians will sink. You don't see Buddhists disregarding individual privacy to push their religion, do you? In fact, the only other religious groups you see taking such an aggressive, irritating attack on personal privacy and our constitutional rights are Mormons , Hare Krishnas and the stinking Scientologists.

Maybe I'm a bit naïve, christian, but I still strongly believe that religion is the most deeply personal and significant part of an individual's life, not a commodity to be peddled like 99-cent Big Macs, and certainly not something to be shoved into my mailbox like a pornography catalog. Why is it that you damn christians insist on pestering and harassing innocent people? Oh, I forgot - YOURS is the RIGHT religion, and that gives you leave to molest "heathens" whenever you please. Apparently, christian, you also believe it gives you the right to dictate how I act, think, believe, and worship. Memo to you, christian: the last time I checked I was not living in a communist country, where I was forced to believe someone's propaganda. This is still the United States of America, where we each have the right to believe what we want - free from harassment of any kind (if this principle confuses you, please do not hesitate to consult the CONSTITUTION). That means, christian, you are free to worship Jesus and devote your life to your solemn beliefs. It also means that I am free to not accept Jesus as the son of god, and my "savior". It means that if I so choose, I have the right to believe that Jesus was simply a left-wing, revolutionary freedom fighter, trying to rid his homeland of a foreign occupying force. A revolutionary who was subsequently martyred when the Romans nailed him up and not the illegitimate bastard-spawn of and affair between a mortal woman and a god (like the old Hercules tale). It is my right as a citizen of this nation to believe that, christian, and you are not free to pester and molest me to join you no matter how "filled with the love of god" your heart is, or how "pure" your motives may be.

Does this letter offend you, christian? Well, turnabout is fair play. Frankly, I find your letter, and the recent actions of you damned christians in general to be extremely offensive. My spirituality is my own goddamned concern, and I thank you to keep out of it. At the present time I am not a member of any organized religion, but whether I return to the Catholic Church (as I was raised), convert to Shinto or become a Druid is non of your god-damn business. The last thing I either need or want is you pimping your beliefs to me. Hey, here's an idea - if I want to learn more about your filthy religion I will seek you out. This latest piece of shameless spiritual prostitution (along with many other atrocities committed by you christians) has left me completely disgusted. After all, I have the common courtesy and respect of your rights not to run into your church while you are worshipping, or invade your privacy with unsolicited letters and phone calls, or accost you in the street trying to convince you to leave your religion behind. The least you can do, christian, is return the same civility towards me.

Besides, christian, don't you have more important things to do with your time and money than print up and send these blanket mailings for the sole purpose of pimpimg your church like a carnival barker peddling some a$$? Isn't there some existing legislature that you need to work against because it doesn't agree with your narrow minded, hate filled view of the world? Aren't there Family Planning Centers and Abortion Clinics that you should be bombing in the name of your god? Shouldn't you be hypocritically preaching Jesus' creed of "love thy neighbor" while b*tching about all the "N-----rs", "F*ggots", Arabs and Jews? Shouldn't you be burning books that don't conform to your ignorant beliefs? Isn't there a school district somewhere that you need to picket because it has the balls to teach the science of evolution instead of the "7 days" fairy tale? Aren't there happy people in some unspoiled foreign land that you should be slaughtering in the name of Jesus' love, as so many christians in the past have done? So please do me a favor: Take me off your mailing list. I don't want your filth in my home.

A Sala'am Alakim
(Arabic for "May God be with you" - a traditional Islamic greeting)


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