A poor, curious, exasperated young soul recently contacted the Monkey, hoping I would see fit to dispense a drop or two of my sweet, sweet wisdom unto him. Evidently, he had made the mistake of chatting with one whose political philosophy fell somewhat to the right-of-center, and thus exasperated, came to me with his curiosity for assistance.

Here is how he approached me:
Hey,
This is (poor, curious, exasperated young soul), from Epinions (you might remember me as the kid who's into The Clash and Bowie. Then again, you might not). Anyway, since we're somewhat kindred spirits concerning politics and I trust that you, as an American, are better informed on the subject than I am, I was wondering if you could help me with a discussion I've been having with this Right Wingah...I'm sure you've heard of the decision to make Tha Pledge Of Allegiance illegal in sk00ls in the USA. Well, I agreed with this because it is my understanding that the US constituiton demands separation of state and church, and that having kids pledge allegiance in schools (even though it's not mandatory) breaks that separation by implying that, to pledge allegiance to the *state* of the USA, you have to acknowedlege the existence of
divinity. Am I right?

Cheers,
(poor, curious, exasperated soul)

Now, I am of the opinion that if there is one poor, curious, exasperated young soul out there reaching for guidance, there are others. So, as a service to all of you poor, curious, exasperated young souls out there, as well as any of you who are either confused on this subject, or just bored, I have made my reply public in this brief missive (back in the olden dayes, however, it would have been called a "broadside").

*********
Dear poor, curious, exasperated young soul;

First off, what are you, stupid or something? You should know that getting into any sort of "discussion" with a rightie is much like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. You don't make a dent in the hammer, and end up with a piercing headache, not to mention massive internal hemorrhaging, for your efforts. But still, you found yourself in this quagmire, and I am here to help. That's me, I'm a giver. I give, and I give, and I give, and I give until it hurts. And then I give some more. So sit back, Spanky, and soak up what I gotta say.

The question of the legality or illegality of the pledge isn't the point. Nosirree, Bucko. The problem isn't with that insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath at all. Despite the fact that by reciting it you are swearing to give up your right of dissent and of disagreement with the government when (as was once written) in the course of human events it may become necessary for you to dissolve the political bands which have connected you with it, yadda yadda yadda.

No, supposedly promising your undying and ferocious allegiance to either an aesthetically annoying piece of cloth or bits of dirt stolen from the indigenous population in a genocidal rush of naked greed isn't illegal, just stupid. The pledge-problem lies in two words that were thrust into the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath by the severely reactionary and paranoid conservative US government back in Ike's first term as prez. Remember, back then the big fear was that the commies were sending moonwaves to control the brains of our yunguns, hatching nefarious plots (or would that be plotz?) to corrupt our morals through multi-colored funnybooks and other subversive material published by the pinkos in New York, and scheming to corrupt our resolve and strength via fluoridation of our water thereby resulting in the disintegration and sapping of our PBFs. During the height of this hysteria (otherwise called "patriotism" by the feeble-minded), every good ole Amurrc'n suburban dad was doing his bit by digging a tomb for his family to be preserved in when the reds dropped their A-Bombs on us, while the government was out hunting down commies and dragging them to hearings to show that we were by god not soft on those godless pinkos. And, in a totally self-important, if not wholly impotent, gesture, the government saw fit to insist that our moral fiber and most-favored-status with the man upstairs remain uncompromised by forcibly inserting the words "under" and "god" into the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath. Thus they sought to ensure that America remain safe for eternity from the forces of evil that continue to this day to frighten our grandmothers and besiege our blessed land after we stole it from the indigenous people in a genocidal rush of naked greed.

The real problem was that these two words suddenly brought with them the weight of not only acknowledging, but also of reinforcing, the idea that our government and the spiritual philosophy originating when the Romans nailed some carpenter up for saying what a neat idea it would be if we could all just live together in peace, were mutually aligned. This doesn't seem so bad, but alas! the drunken liberals who decided to actually create our country after figuring out they were being butt-raped by the British Crown, wrote a set of rules for the new government to follow. One of these rules was that the government could not support, endorse, or prefer one (or any) religion over another. To wit: Amendment I -- Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. (There is other stuff in there, but it isn't directly relevant.)


Okay, now, follow me on this one. When the drunken liberals who created this country wrote that rule, they essentially said that the government (and, by extension, all federal & state offices, bureaus, projects, etc) was to be completely and totally separate from any spiritual philosophy. And, in a blind fit of marketing genius, they even came up with a really catchy jingle for this idea: "The Separation of Church and State!"

So (jumping back to the 50's and the psychotic paranoia being whipped by the so-called patriotic Americans running the asylum), when the words "under" and "god" were forcibly inserted into the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath, things changed. The insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath suddenly shifted from being merely an insulting and stupid mumbling designed to ensure that all of the citizens of this country were repeatedly being indoctrinated by some meaningless and pointless patriotic blather, to becoming an insulting and stupid mumbling designed to ensure that all the citizens of this country were being repeatedly indoctrinated by meaningless and pointless patriotic blather and coerced into accepting the fact that the government (and by extension, all federal & state offices, bureaus, projects, etc) supports, endorses, and prefers a specific religion.

Aha! you say, but that contradicts the rule that the drunken liberals who created the country wrote to prohibit just that. The rule they gave the really catchy jingle "The Separation of Church and State!" And you would be right. The only problem was for anyone who dared point out this obvious contradiction. They would be branded a member of the forces of evil that frightens our grandmothers and besieges the blessed land we stole from the indigenous people in a genocidal rush of naked greed, whose brain had obviously been controlled by commie moonwaves, or who had had their morals corrupted by multi-colored funnybooks published by pinkos in New York, or who had had their resolve and strength corrupted by drinking fluoridated water resulting in the disintegration and sapping of their PBFs.

But the problem is the contradiction exists despite all of the fooferall that "patriotic" Americans blow out of their rectums. And despite the fact that this insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath is not only useless, but insulting as well, the words "under" and "god" also make it illegal when used in any governmental institution, office, bureau, etc -- and, most importantly, in publicly funded schools. Unfortunately there are those out there, mainly dimwitted types who are enchanted by small, shiny objects and who actually believe that commies are trying to control our brains with moonwaves, etc, who see the removal of the words "under" and "god" from the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath as evidence that the forces of evil that frighten our grandmothers and besiege the blessed land that we stole from the indigenous people in a genocidal rush of naked greed are now getting the upper hand. What these simpletons (or "patriots" as they prefer to be called) fail to realize, however, is that children for generations have already eliminated the words "under" and "god" from the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath by changing them from:
"one nation under god, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all"
to:
"one nacho underpants, with licorice and jugs of wine for owls"

And this change of words in the insipid, quasi-fascist loyalty oath has not yet resulted in the destruction of the country by the forces of evil which frighten our grandmothers and beseige the blessed land which we stole from the indigenous people in a genocidal rush of naked greed.

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