'Outmanipulating the Manipulators'
Written: Sep 09 '06 (Updated Sep 09 '06)
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Pros: sensible advice on managing behavior of young children, insights into their behavior, very readable
Cons: Dr Peters' philosophy may not appeal to every parent, and that's too bad.
The Bottom Line: Invaluable advice to parents of children aged 6 and under, with emphasis on behaviour management to deal with and correct inappropriate behaviour
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| jc_hall's Full Review: Ruth Allen Peters - It's Never Too Soon to Discipl... |
Dr Ruth Peters is a child psychologist who has worked with children (predominantly preschoolers and kindergartners) and their parents for over 20 years. She is the author of ‘Don’t Be Afraid To Discipline’ and is a Parenting Contributor to Good Morning America. Subtitled ‘A Low-Stress Program That Shows Parents How To Teach Good Behaviour That Will Last a Lifetime’, her book ‘It’s Never Too Soon To Discipline’ is more than a program to get young kids back on the right track behavior-wise. It is a highly readable manual for parents with young children (ages 6 and under), focusing on the encouragement of acceptable and appropriate behavior by instilling in the child an understanding that his/her behavior (acceptable and appropriate or otherwise) will result in definite consequences (either good or bad).
In the Introduction, Dr Peters states that discipline has had a bad rap in modern times, with negative connotations of criticism and punishment, both corporeal and otherwise. She stands firmly on the side of those who are against corporeal punishment of any kind, but believes, as in the words of T. Berry Brazelton in his book ‘Touchpoints: Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Development’, that “next to love, a sense of discipline is a parent’s second most important gift to a child.”
Dr Peters maintains that a parent has the ability (indeed, the responsibility) to instil in their child the notion that any unacceptable or inappropriate behavior (dangerous to herself or others, socially disruptive, aggressive) will result in definite consequences (loss of privileges, e.g. TV/video viewing, a treasured possession given away, etc.). As they learn to associate the one with the other, they will modify their own behavior, so that ultimately, the lesson is self-discipline, and the result is an individual who is reasonable and rational.
In Section 1: Understanding the Stages of Development, Dr Peters goes through the stages from newborn to the sixth and seventh years, cataloguing the misbehaviors typical to the various ages, and suggesting ways in which the parent can foster behavioural responsibilities in the child.
In Section 2: Challenging Kids, Dr Peters remarks upon the growing trend of kids who appear to lack self-control, are egocentric and display poor frustration tolerance. She places the blame squarely on parents who, for whatever reason, do not discipline. And ‘the consequence of no consequences’ is often children who are out-of-control and parents who feel trapped and powerless in their own homes. Dr Peters believes that nurture can and should be used to modify nature if necessary, and parents must take on this responsibility at the earliest possible stage.
In Section 3: Parenting Styles: Why We Parent The Way We Do, Dr Peters documents the case of the ‘happiness-seeking parent’ that she sees almost every day in her practice. Such parents are generally well-adjusted and productive individuals, but tend to over-compensate their children for some (real or perceived) lack in their own childhood. Their approach of ‘my child shall lack for nothing’ and their taking responsibility for their children’s happiness combine to foster egocentric, entitled brats who expect a lot and get away with the most outrageous misbehavior. As Dr Peters wisely reminds us, “First, no one (not even you) can make your youngster happy. Comfort, pleasure, and good self-esteem are the roots of happiness and contentment, and no one can artificially inject these qualities into another human being….Happiness is a by-product of good parenting. You cannot buy it, fake it, talk your child into it, or manipulate the world to provide it. Happiness is a state of comfort that develops when you are content with your relationships with others, having developed a healthy balance between fulfilling your own needs while helping others with theirs. Happy kids are secure in the knowledge that they can control their emotions and behavior so that no matter what challenges they face, they can act appropriately. Spoiled, entitled children rarely rise to this level of character, and they forever pay for their parents’ indulgence.”
In Section 4: Outmanipulating The Manipulator, Dr Peters outlines various children’s manipulative styles, ranging from the ‘If-Then’ child to the 'Chameleon Kid’ to the ‘Power-Hungry Tyrant’ to the ‘Dependent Heart-Wrencher’, and suggests ways to deal with each. As you can imagine, this makes for a most interesting and entertaining read, as Dr Peters tempers her experience with a good dose of humour.
In Section 5: Behavior Management, Dr Peters proposes a parenting style that works, that of the ‘Benevolent Dictator’, where, instead of in a ‘free-for-all democracy’, the children have a vote but the parent is the final decision maker. This way, the parent has greater control, misbehavior is not tolerated, and stability is established at home. Dr Peters feels that children between two and three years old become capable of understanding what their limits are if their parents set boundaries for them. With such young children, it is important to set the limits to the fours c’s: be concise, clear, consistent and, at times, catastrophic (important to the child).
In Section 6: The Smiley Face System For Kids Ages Three Through Six, Dr Peters sets out a system using smiley faces on a piece of paper (to be crossed out one by one for each misbehavior, with 3 or more crossed out to result in a time-out, and a clean sheet to result in a small treat) to motivate good behavior and discourage misbehavior. This can be made to work at school with the teacher’s help.
Section 7: Behavior Management for Development Issues deal with the usual childhood battles: Sleep Problems, Mealtime Wars and Potty Training. In each case, Dr Peters makes the reader understand the roots of the problem and then offers sensible solutions, with case examples.
Section 8: Behavior Management for Social And Emotional Health deals with cheering the Miserable Wallower (don’t encourage him inadvertently by lavishing attention on his self-pitying antics), conquering fears and phobias, promoting self-esteem and encouraging leadership, again with case examples.
Section 9: Behavior Management for Socially Inappropriate Behaviors deals with a ‘hit list’ of unacceptable or inappropriate behavior, including aggression (at home and at school), biting, not sharing, bossiness, lying and stealing, and temper tantrums.
In Section 10: Behavior Management for Children with Attention Deficit Disorder, Dr Peters cites the importance of distinguishing between true ADD and controllable behavior problems. In some cases, behavior management is not enough and medical intervention (in the form of drugs such as Ritalin) is indicated.
Section 11: Single Parents and Stepfamilies acknowledges the specific difficulties faced by single and step parents, and offers advice geared specifically towards them.
In Section 12: The Effective Parent, Dr Peters ends with a list of good advice, encouraging parents to ‘look at parenting from the big-picture perspective’ rather than the ‘day-to-day annoyances, disciplinary actions, and furious looks from your child’ which are ‘expected, although unpleasant, parts of the child-raising process’. What ‘really counts is how your kids turn out as teenagers and as young adults, taking responsibility for their actions, accepting constructive criticism and making necessary changes, respectful of you and respected by others in return.’
There is also a list of Parenting Resources and one each on References and Suggested Reading.
Recommended:
Yes
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jc_hall
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Member: JC Hall
Location: Toronto, Canada
Reviews written: 199
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Going back to Vancouver for Christmas! Happy Holidays, everyone!!
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