Star Diaries is a book I wrote a long analysis on in my late High School years. I exposed, almost line by line in some cases, the sharp satire and the brilliant social commentary behind this masterpiece by the Polish author Stanislav Lem. I illuminated his brilliance in masking his criticism of the communist system in surrealism and absurdities, to avoid censorship of the 50's communist government when the book was published. I received high marks for my essay - it was detailed, thorough and… a bit dull, to be honest.

Fear not though, dear reader, I'm not going to bore you with a repeat performance here! I have an idea for an approach more… suitable for the spirit of the book. Just read on, and all will become clear… either that, or things will get horribly messy, and painfully dreary. (You tell me - be brutally honest)

In the novel, Lem records the astonishing exploits of the cosmic Baron von Münchhausen, the galaxy-wide famous space pilot and free-lance adventurer Ijon Tichy. The book is actually a collection of stories, each one detailing the exploits of Ijon during one of his many adventures and missions in space and on strange worlds.

Now I know Mr. Tichy is a busy man, but with a little bit of determination, and with the help of my mail-order space-time-fiction-transportifier-watch (Isn't it amazing what you can find on TV-shop? Came with a complementary set of stainless steel kitchen knifes too!), I think that I might just sneak in an interview. I mean, what better way to gain insight into the adventures of this fascinating man, and thus insight on the book, than from the main character, Ijon himself?

There are some serious considerations to think of though - I must refrain from interfering with anything too much. I must be like a fly on the wall, as unobtrusive as possible. I mean, as anyone who's ever seen a science fiction movie, or read a book of the same genre well knows, it's no trivial thing to mess around with space-time-fiction continuum! We might end up with all kinds of relativistic effects, and a mess that even Ijon himself couldn't fix.

An Important Note: My copy of the book is in Finnish, translated from the original Polish version. So by reading my review, you get extra value! Not only are the names of chapters and any relevant wordings from the book translated from Polish to English, they've travelled the impressive route from Polish to Finnish to English!

So let's see… I'll open up the novel at the first recorded exploit, titled "The Seventh Voyage" (as I said, Ijon is a busy man, and hasn't gotten around to documenting all his exploits - that's why some of the voyages are missing from "Star Diaries". The book starts with the seventh voyage).

Looking for a suitable opening in the narrative, I'll set the dials on my TV-shop STFT-watch, wind it up, cross my fingers, and press that red button there, like this….

Kazam!
……………………..

*BUMP*

"Awww, my head!", said Jarno the would-be-interviewer, cringing, having been thrown to the floor by the impact.

"Your, head! I'm bloody bleeding!", came the answer from the moaning figure sitting opposite to him, who, indeed appeared to have sustained a nasty cut on his forehead.

"I'm sorry, please don't mind me…", Jarno said, acutely aware that he wasn't actually being very fly-on-the-wall-like.
"…I just"

"Which day…Wait a second!" said the man, who Jarno had by now figured must be Ijon Tichy himself, "You're not me!"

"Um…. A keen observation sir!", said Jarno attempting to humour Ijon who was obviously still a bit shaken from the clash of heads. "Eh, should I be?"

"Of course! I'm the only one on board this ship, and therefore it should be occupied only by me! The Wednesday me ran off somewhere, and then there's the Sunday me who's hiding under the bed eating my chocolate, that bastard! Who are you supposed to be? And how did you get here?"

And just as Jarno, blushing bright red by now, was about to explain himself, or at least attempt to, a voice not unlike Ijon's came from behind him.

"Don't bother with that guy, he's useless - just quit fooling around and get up, we've got to go fix the rudder"
This new arrival, who looked like a spitting image of Ijon except for the band-aid on his forehead, started pulling at the dumbfounded bleeding Ijon's arm.

Seeing his chance at fading inconspicuously to the background, Jarno decided to let that "useless" remark pass for now, and stayed quiet, trying very hard to blend in with the furniture, of which there was very little.

Besides, some memory of what the story was all about was beginning to return to Jarno's mind, and things were starting to make a bit more sense - in the seventh voyage, Ijon had apparently damaged his spaceship's rudder, and was unable to control the craft, as it went hurtling at greater and greater speeds through an area of time-distorting space-time anomalies. Ijon could not fix the rudder alone, and there were a bunch of other complications too, somehow involving a wrench and a steak, only one space suit, and a whole lot of bickering with duplicate Ijons (The time distortion you know…). Kind of a predicament, as Jarno would put it (and in fact did, if only in his mind).

"Now wait just a minute", said the sitting Ijon, resisting the other guy's attempts at getting him to stand up. "And which day are you from, might I ask?"

"I'm the Friday Ijon, and you must be the Thursday Ijon, I know, I remember this. I'm from later in the week than you, so just trust me on this. Now let's get going - we don't have time for this nonsense, we can fix the rudder together ".

"Not so fast" said the Thursday Ijon, firmly planted on the floor, not quite willing to give the last word to this know-it-all newcomer. "Now it didn't work yesterday, with the confusion with the Tuesday me - why would it work now? Besides, since Sunday Ijon's hiding under the bed, we obviously won't be getting the rudder fixed before Sunday. What's the point of trying before then? And what's wrong with getting this new guy here to help?"

Just as Jarno was going to explain all about his necessary "fly-on-the-wall" role, the Friday Ijon, totally ignoring Jarno, spat out in a frustrated, angry voice "You'll be sorry your stubbornness tomorrow, when you're in my shoes! You just wait and see!"

As the Thursday Ijon didn't seem too impressed by this, the Friday Ijon sighed and continued "He's some kind of a reporter", ("well, not a professional actually" interrupted Jarno, in what was barely a whisper) "…called Jero or Joro or something" ("Jarno!", said Jarno a bit annoyed, in a slightly louder but still unobtrusive whisper) "and he can't lift a finger, the sorry little sod. Now get off the floor and help me before we hit another anomaly!"

"Don't be daft - he looks perfectly fit for the job to me!" said the Thursday Ijon apparently unfazed by Friday's pestering.

Friday Ijon looked at Jarno expectantly, compelling him to speak out.

"Um…. Well, you see… I'm just this… Jarno and… eh… I came here just to ask for an interview, if you have a minute and….. um….and I'm not supposed to interfere… the prime directive of fiction travelling and that sort of thing you know…. Might cause all sorts of trouble", blabbered Jarno at the bewildered Thursday Ijon.

"You see! What did I tell you!" Shouted out the Friday Ijon. "Now let's get going, before it's too late!"

But of course, by then it was already too late, as the ship began to shake violently, and the Thursday Ijon fell down and blinked away in a cloud of mist that had enveloped half the interior of the room. Suddenly Jarno saw a brief glimpse of himself through the mist, staring back at him with an astounded look on his face - startled by this, Jarno stumbled for his STFT-watch and pressed the "abort" button….


Kazam!
……………………..

*sigh*

Now that didn't work out very well. Got insulted by a fictional character, got a headache, and not even a hint of an interview to show for it. Nasty things those space-time anomalies. I just hope that I didn't mess around with the story too much, as Ijon seems to have more than enough to worry about there.

This is a bit embarrassing - now that I think of it, that was a pretty dumb thing to do, to just plunge in with so little preparation. Not very professional at all. I'm still not giving up though. I just need to find a more appropriate moment, something more… tranquil, and hopefully make a little more graceful entrance this time.

Let's see… It's been a while since I read the book, so I'll have to refresh my memory.

The eight voyage is completely inappropriate, for reasons I can not reveal, lest I rob you of the reading pleasure. Now what's next… ah, the Eleventh Voyage! The one with all the cold war parables, the one that slipped past the watchful eyes of censors… Now this might be interesting, though before I crank up the STFT-watch, there are some preparations to be made.

You see, the eleventh voyage takes Ijon to a planet of robots, governed by an ex-pilot-computer gone mad. The wretched thing dumped the crew to space, and the poor people had to walk and hitchhike back all the way from somewhere near Andromeda! The computer then set up his own country on a little-known planet, in which he controlled his robot citizens with a dictatorial iron fist. Worst of all, this newly born nation appeared somewhat hostile towards humans.

The insurance company who officially owned the ship and the computer, and thus legally the robots the computer had built, had already, over the period of nine years, sent exactly two thousand, seven hundred and eighty six secret agents to the planet disguised as robots, but somehow, they had all disappeared without a trace - nothing had been heard from them after the initial message that they had landed safely.

Enter Ijon Tichy - the last, and the best hope for humanity. He was to become the 2,787th agent, and sent to the planet to find out what's going on, and what happened to the others. Now here might be my chance for an interview!

Of course, as not to attract too much attention, I'll have to be clever and disguise myself first… so, using various kitchen…. um… kitcheny things to be found… in the kitchen (hey, I'm a modern batchelor, I'm not fluent in kitchen terminology!), lots of tin foil, and plenty of duct tape, I can conjure up the appropriate attire to blend in… there, that should do.

Meet agent 2,788, the Robot Jarno.. or better yet, the "Jarnonator 2788"!

Winding up the STFT-watch, re-setting the dials….and then the button…

Kazam!
……………………..


*Splash!*

….And suddenly, seemingly out of no-where, the would-be-interviewer Jarnonator 2788 falls into the waist deep water, his head gear, a kettle, falling off his head - quickly he jumps to his feet, picking up the kettle before it sinks and fixing it back on his head, hoping that no-one noticed.

No such luck.

"Who….. what are you?!", said the surprised man who the Jarnonator immediately recognized as Mr. Tichy himself. It takes quite a bit to surprise Ijon Tichy, and apparently this was quite a bit.

Mr. Tichy was not wearing a robot disguise. This was a bit disturbing to the Jarnonator, who began to suspect that something was seriously wrong. Now that he came to think of it, there shouldn't have been water here either.

"Um.. I, I mean", said the Jarnonator, remembering suddenly the need to appear robot-like "I AM THE JARNONATOR 2788, A ROBOT. WHERE IS YOUR DISGUI…UM…ROBOT THINGS?"

"What are you talking about? What ROBOT THINGS?", asked Tichy, impersonating the Jarnonator's ridiculous robot impersonation.

"Oh, I give up, I'm no good at this!", said the discouraged Jarnonator, not bothering with the robot voice. "And what's with all this water? Look at me! I'm soaked!"

"Hey, you look strangely familiar… I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I?", said Tichy. You can't fool Tichy you know, he's sharp as a razor.

"Yes, yes, I'm the guy that tried to get an interview, you remember, the seventh journey? The useless, sorry little sod?"

"ah.", said Tichy. "And I suppose you can't help me now either?"

"I'm sorry!" said Jarno looking especially sincere for a guy wearing a kettle on his head and duct tape all over his face. "I was supposed to try and catch you again on the planet of robots, you see, but now there are no robots here, and there's all this water, and….I'm wet, have a headache, and still haven't got an interview!"

The Jarnonator was getting a bit tired at trying to be the fly-on-the-wall, and besides, with that attire, in an obviously wrong story, he was not exactly suited for the task either.

"That's not a very good disguise, now is it? Especially in a water-world.", said Tichy adding insult to the injury.

By now it was beginning to dawn to the Jarnonator (who was painfully sheading his duct-tape discuise, and turning back into his human form), that there must have been a malfunction in the SFTF-watch - he had landed right smack in the middle of Ijon's thirteenth voyage, to the planet where the people admired all creatures of the sea, and were therefore determined to learn to breath under water. For this purpose, they had began to elevate the water-level of the planet in all public places and houses - slowly, so that people could get used to breathing water. Secretly breathing air was of course, soon to be considered cheating, and a punishable act.

Still, the scene right now seemed relatively tranquil, and there he was, Ijon Tichy, looking curiously at the apparition which was Jarno.

"Please, Mr. Tichy, just a short interview, I'd really appreciate it!", ventured Jarno, crossing his fingers.

"Well… All right. Shoot." came the answer from the famous space traveller.

Now this took Jarno completely by surprice. He just knew there was something he hadn't thought of. After an ackward silence during which Jarno's face turned increasingly red, he had to confess.

"Um… I haven't really got any questions prepared. Sorry."

And then, leaving Ijon Tichy pondering, completely dumbfounded at this strange episode, Jarno fled the embarrassing situation by pressing the abort button….


Kazam!
……………………..


I have utterly failed you, dear reader.

Wet and weary, duct tape marks all over my face, I have to conclude that I should probably not try to play the part of a reporter again. Further, I would venture that the career in espionage is also out of the question.

Well, perhaps you have learned something of Ijon Tichy, and of the book "Star Diaries" through this sorry episode - at least I hope so! For me, I'd rather concentrate on reading the exploits of Ijon from now on, instead of sticking my nose in them.


Final recommendation

Unlike my sorry attempts at humour, Lem's writing is witty, extremely entertaining, and quite deep, if you care to look what's hidden underneath the absurd story lines. Reading Lem's works, I have to say that I can immediately see that his style must suffer in translations - I bet the book is even better in Polish. Still, even the translations reveal true brilliance. I've also read Lem's more serious works, but I have to say that I wasn't too impressed by them - Lem revels in absurdities, and deep brilliant satire.

The "Star Diaries" is a classic, and must-read for all fans of brilliant laugh-out-loud satire.


Recommended: Yes