My sentiments on lace tighteners
Alright, you probably know that I’m not a big fan of lace tighteners if you’ve been keeping up with my reviews. My previous review of a lace tightener was titled Skate Lace Tightener: Perfect for Whimps, Women and Children . That pretty much sums up my feeling on the subject. If you aren’t manly enough to tighten your own laces, you shouldn’t be playing the sport. Nonetheless, I suppose there might be medical conditions other than weakness that I should consider before insulting the general public for being too puny to pull some stings.

Why on earth would you need a tightener?
Yeah, I know, you don’t use one for your loafers, right? That’s because loafers don’t have laces! However, hockey skates do have laces. While you might not care if your loafer suddenly flies off your foot while you’re watching Oprah, it is a little more inconvenient to have a skate fly off in the middle of a game.

Did you ever notice how football players lose a shoe once in a while and have to go to the sideline to put it back on? Ever see it happen in hockey? I don’t think so!

Skates need to fit very tight in order to work properly. Sometimes I like to lace mine so tight that I cannot feel my feet anymore. It seems like a good idea at the time, but after I’m on the ice for a while, I’m not so sure I did a good thing. Incidentally, I do that WITHOUT a lace tightner.

OK, so how does that thing work?
It’s pretty simple. All you do is put the little hook where the laces cross and pull with all of your girlie-man strength until the laces are tight. If you are offended because you know you aren’t a girlie-man but it still takes a super-human effort to get your laces tight, you might need to buy smaller skates. Or again, you might have one of those aforementioned afflictions that required the use of a skate tightener.

Essentially, you pull tight on where the skate laces cross, starting from the toes and work your way towards the top of the skate. Waxed laces make this task much easier since they don’t tend to slide back as easily as regular laces. Even the most strength impaired individual will be able to put a crushing grip on their skate laces using a tightener.

Does it take batteries?
Oh, you wish it would do all the work for you. Sorry, this is manually operated.

What’s special about this model?
The folding style skate lace tightener closes up like a pocket knife. The big advantage of this is that other players in the locker room might not notice it as quickly. While you and I will both know that you aren’t tough enough to lace your own skates, the other players in the room won’t ask, “Does your Mommy usually lace those for you?”

In a game where most coaches make the kids start lacing their own skates without a tightener at about age eight, you will get heckled by someone for using a tightener. The stealth capability of the folding tightener is a nice bonus. You can also stick this one in your pocket or purse much more easily than the non-folding one.

What colors does it come in?
While pink would be the most fitting, it only comes in a bright blue or red. I would also like to see a camouflage version. It would not only be harder to see, but would look tougher if someone spotted it.

Can these be operated safely while under the influence of alchohol?
This is a difficult question to answer. While normal operation while under the influence shouldn’t be a problem, other less intelligent options for its use might occur to the drunken user. The creative inebriated individual might pose a mild risk to himself and others while using this device. More likely though, he will be more of a danger on the ice with a large stick in his hands.

Final thoughts
If this product came in a switchblade version, it might actually make lace tighteners popular. I can just visualize a room full of hockey players suiting up and turning collectively as the distinctive click grabs their attention. Their star forward, Jimmy “Grave-Digger” Black has just started tightening his laces. Next week everyone has a lace tightener.

Until that happens, lace tighteners will likely remain helpful devices for the tragically unhip.

Other reviews you might find amusing:
Practice Cone? That used to be my nickname!
Squirrels aren’t afraid of Pucks


Recommended: No