"What an idiot!!!"

That's what I kept saying to myself as I read James Patterson's Lifeguard.  That's because this book gives us two really dumb main characters. 

First there's Ned.  His childhood wasn't the best, but he was on his way to a rewarding career and a good life.  Then a setback hit, one that wasn't his fault.  But once that was over, he "gave up".   He ran away, took on menial jobs, and whined himself into a pity party, never doing a thing to make life better for himself.

Now his cousin wants Ned to go in on an art heist.  "One perfect score" and then they can all retire with their ill-gotten wealth.  Of course Ned jumps at the opportunity, never once thinking "Art theft is illegal - maybe I shouldn't do this".  What an idiot!!!

Naturally the "perfect score" goes terribly wrong.  Everyone else connected with the heist is dead, and Ned looks guilty for their murders.  Of course, we know he didn't kill anybody, but proving it will be another matter.

Enter FBI agent Ellie.  She gets involved in this case and Ned ends up taking her hostage.  It's OK, though, he never intended to hurt her, he just wanted to hold onto her for 8 hours or so, so that he can explain his side of the story.

At the first opportunity to take him down, does Ellie do so?  Nope.  Basically, Ellie wants to help Ned, but he's not willing to turn himself in, so he can get proper help.  Instead he becomes a one-man investigator/avenger.  Because only he can find the real murderers, and take them down.  The heck with anyone "in authority" who might actually be able to help him.  So, of course, Ellie goes along with this plan.  What an idiot!!!

You can see the problem.  The rest of the story didn't really matter. I hated the two main characters.  I was supposed  to feel sorry for Ned.  Well, excuse me, if I don't think a wannabe-art-thief deserves my sympathy.  Then, I was supposed to cheer for Ellie and Ned to get together, as their feelings for each other grow throughout the book.  The FBI agent and the thief.  Yeah, right.

There are plenty of minor characters in this book but only one I actually liked, a fellow referred to as Champ.  He was pretty cool, and his support for his friend quite admirable, even if I don't actually approve of aiding and abetting people who are on the run from the law.

The story, itself, was just OK.  It gets quite convoluted with a lot of people going to an awful lot of trouble, all in the name of greed.  There are a few twists I didn't see coming, and a few exciting chase scenes.  But, the idiotic characters, and my hatred for them, outweighed any excitement the story provided.  This is not Patterson's best work.  In fact, I'm thinking that I'm the real idiot, for finishing it.

Also by James Patterson:
Honeymoon

Private

Recommended: No