(Disclaimer: Those looking for a brief description of the album will find what they’re looking for in the "Review Body" section. The section titled "Track Reviews" is meant only for those who want to read detailed descriptions of the songs, and they do not constitute the essence of this review. Lastly and most importantly, this review is not necessarily written by the point of view of a Madonna fan.)

Overall Score: 1/5
Best song: …there is a best song?
Worst song: “Nobody’s Perfect” … the others aren’t too far away.

Review Body:

Madonna’s 2000 album was titled after something she obviously knows little about. This is like a 6-year-old boy making a coffee mug out of Play-Dough and presenting it to his father as a birthday present. The dad pats the boy on the head for the idea, but he has no intention of pouring coffee in it, because it simply wouldn’t work. Similarly, Madonna assembled a collection of noises on a compact disc, called it music, and presented it to the public. Unfortunately, the public isn’t as intelligent as the father of the story. They picked up this “music” and thought it was fab. In the meantime, they couldn’t understand why their coffee tasted so salty. (OK, done with that metaphor.)

Continuing down the same path that she was already exploring with Ray of Light, Madonna writes her regular (crap) songs but garnished with very unusual electronic sound effects and strange synthesizers. As I’ve always said, I like electronica in general, and I think that there are many examples of the genre are inspired and enjoyable. But you have to have good *music* before you try lumping on the electronic gizmos. Music consists of all musically stale ideas, so lumping their complex sound effects on it is just going to make a boring song with a lot of sound effects. Arrangements won’t make a melody catchier!

To make matters even worse (as if that wasn’t bad enough) is that the arrangements are ANNOYING. This is not even some isolated event… the arrangements are annoying on EVERY SINGLE TRACK AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! Madonna and everyone who worked on this album is obviously musically inept, because I have no explanation for this. Even if Madonna didn’t give a damn about the music and just wanted to pick up a paycheck … I frankly don’t know why they would have tried so hard to make something this offensive. (They are genius businessmen, though … they are the equivalent of a successful door-to-door dog poop salesman.) Somehow, Madonna got a hold of a voice synthesizer … she sings in it and it changes her tone to sound fakey… like a singing robot who slides its voice but can only sing 12 notes in an octave. I’m sure she thought she was being experimental with her robot voice, but everything about it sounded absolutely pukey. Embarrassing.

Madonna should have learned her lesson when she released that godawful Ray of Light! ……… Oh, but the critics and mass populace clamored over Madonna for that. The Grammies gave her a few awards and I’m sure all her friends told her they liked it. This gave her positive feedback, so she went to the studio and created something that was even worse and had the gall to call it Music.

Track Reviews:

Music D
Hey, Mr. Deejay. Put a record on. ……….NO, NOT THIS ONE!!!! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!! … Let’s talk about it then. Madonna decided to crank up the electronic instruments to produce a completely toneless groove as Madonna attempts to sing something “melodic” over it… The electronic effects are all ill-conceived and excessively annoying. For example, there’s a synthesizer sound that reminds me of someone slowly letting the air out of a balloon. I thought that sound was supposed to be annoying, but here is Madonna putting it in a pop album.

Impressive Instant D+
Here, Madonna came up with a generic techno beat and started messing around with a vocal synthesizer. I think this song can sum up everything that you should stay away from when working with vocal effects. What’s with that sound effect that sounds like a combination of pouring a Coke in a glass and scratching on a chalkboard? … Madonna, you should listen to early Roxy Music to hear how this sort of thing is properly done.

Runaway Lover D+
A weak beginning with some attempt at creating an industrial-esque groove. I like the idea that she’s trying to do something like that, but I guess it’s difficult to successfully accomplish when you have no taste in music. After that bit, a rapid-beat techno song starts to play… It’s hopelessly toneless just like most techno songs. The sound effects she brings in doesn’t salvage much of it, either, unfortunately. This is tedious after only two minutes of it.

I Deserve It C-
After those three previous tracks, electronica nightmares, it’s a bit of a relief to just hear Madonna singing with a simple acoustic guitar. It’s such a shame that she couldn’t be bothered to write a catchier melody. The sound effects are bizarre and don’t add anything.

Amazing C+
Hey guys, look at this! It’s a melody!! Amazing… This is an upbeat song that’s rather catchy for the first minute of it. It gets stale after that. To be fair, they do stop the beat after awhile and go into a brief moment with just a twinkly piano… I appreciate it, but the transition was so sudden that it catches one off guard. Oh well; let’s not split hairs. This is a good song. I must chase the relative feeling.

Nobody’s Perfect F
You got that right! There’s the understatement of the century. No matter how much I trash Madonna albums, I had never imagined that she would ever come out with something as bad as this. She had been in the music industry for nearly 20 years, and she got even more pigheaded by the year to the point where she thinks crap like this is passable. … Where do I even start? It starts out with Madonna singing with an electric piano. She puts her voice through a voice synthesizer that’s horrible to listen to. It’s irritating and grates on my nerves! A hodgepodge of ill-begotten sounds comes in (including a synthesizer that sounds like a bee playing a trumpet and threatening to kill me). What’s more, the melody is the worst of the album so far (stiff competition), and this is TEDIOUS. I know that Madonna’s saying that she’s sorry in the lyrics, but it’s hard to forgive someone if they’re still carrying out the crime.

Don’t Tell Me F
I’ve got to wonder if the people in Madonna’s studio are as blind as she is, or if they’re all biting their lips when she thinks of these ideas… I’m not sure how it works in Madonna’s studio, but they’re sure succeeding in coming out with some of the most horrible songs I’ve ever heard. It starts out with an acoustic guitar riffs with these bizarre stops… It sounds like the CD is wigging out, but it’s actually written in the music. What ensues is another awful hodgepodge of sound effects and a very toneless melody. Madonna’s talents would be better spent as an accountant. Just stop it with this nonsense.

What it Feels Like For a Girl D+
I’ve peed sitting down before; it’s nothing special. I also tried on the underwear. Itchy. … Despite the weird lyrics, I’m happy to report that this song is better than the previous two combined! CONGRATULATIONS, MADONNA! … Er, but it still sucks. Again, Madonna has no idea what a catchy melody is. She just repeats the same toneless thing over and over again while she packs on the sound-effects and horrible instruments. … Does she think she’s being experimental?? This isn’t experimental.

Paradise (Not For Me) F
Someone get a gun and shoot me now. This is mental torture and I can’t take it anymore!!! This is a six and a half minute song, and Madonna continues to sing with her disgusting vocal effects and absolutely nothing interesting happens in it. How can anything possibly be worse?

Gone D+
She starts out this song by saying: “Selling out is not my thing.” Do I need to smack you on the back of the head?? This starts out with some acoustic guitar strumming, but the vocal melody is as interesting as philosophy and as enlightening as rubbing feces all over yourself. I’m glad this “album” is over. Time for Madonna to retreat back in her little cave until she comes out with more “music” to unleash on the unfortunate public.

Concluding Remarks:

False advertising?


Recommended: No