We take daughters and sons and pull them under the rug of music industry. Before hormones fall in their places your JUSTIN is on a Michael J.Fox retro-futuristic tuxedo with his hair cut Emo singing alongside USHER. The Canadian bombshell may go bananas with the zigzagging logic of decaying markets.

Your BIEBER becomes a transvestite of many trades in My World 2.0. One time the sensitive crooner younger than his first break-up. Other times he ZAPPs with TIMBALAND accuracy in his neon B-boy hood. Occasionally, he cheerleaders a pack of ruthless little girls; from the sun all the way to the moon.

Young white male singing diluted R&B - will BIEBER last past his 20s? Since PAT BOONE there has been a place for this kind of stratagem in popular music. Teen singers come and go but the concept remains - a practice reproduced in different contexts as well as a Pop market structure.

Baby baby baby oh. BIEBER meets LUDACRIS - what an awkward coupling. Can 287 million Youtube views be wrong? It feels like LUDACRIS introducing young and fresh BIEBER to the other side of reality. People feel comfortable with this "for the first time" narrative - it reproduces representations/prejudices of their social contexts. LUDACRIS plays the supporting backing role whereas your JUSTIN pretends he B-Boy not kid and he can dance, too. The only thing he knows is the NE-YO-in-NEW-EDITION mellow chorus. We also discover (in MC HAMMER mode) that LUDACRIS' first love was by his 13s. Stupid enough said solid Pop hit.

Know it's fast. Somebody to Love (neither QUEEN's nor JEFFERSON AIRPLANE's) - BIEBER frantically imploring somebody to put love at his disposal. It is fairly hard to distinguish this number from NE-YO or AKON, apart from dark speed and lyrics (what about some booty to love?). A stupid 2010 dancefloor item.

Stuck in the Moment - U2's abhorrent title - adorns Romeo and Juliet as well as Bonnie and Clyde (?) in a hip-hop pastiche parade that ANASTASIA (remember?) could sing centuries ago. BIEBER does his girlie show dancing with himself - "we are both too foolish to stop". File under Jekyll & Hyde!

Piano diatribes are one of those few Boy Band qualities. BIEBER played U Smile in American Idol - there seems to be some merit to it. You smile, I smile, and JOSS STONE would applaud hands-down. Hippie-infused piano ballads recall British Pop - TAKE THAT B-side? If not for the smiling cramps, nice.

Recorded as young boys run away from love, clipping sound effects (DEPECHE MODE's Policy of Truth detuned) and LADY GAGA-isms "try to be cool". Contemporary as, say, DURAN DURAN meets TIMBALAND - cool, co-co-cool Runaway Love. Before 2 minutes there isn't a noticeable chorus, bridge juxtaposed with another attempt. Stubborn search!

Suddenly I realize JUSTIN BIEBER records for Islam Def Jam music, once responsible for golden age Rap and BOB MARLEY. That's devolution baby. Young JUSTIN follows a young black girl yelling at his teens.  An angel took him to heaven and it couldn't be better. Never Let You Go. OK.

JESSICA JARRELL plays supporting role in Overboard. What an apt title! It takes 4 minutes to save the world but a whisper to bring it to smithereens. The Boy Band piano-by-the-book rule is insipidly followed - until JARRELL's vocals burst through the wall of overbabble. She can sing on her own!

Eenie Meenie plays as a mattress of ciphers. SEAN KINGSTON's voodoo juvenile Ragamuffin and BIEBER vacuum-cleaner rambling make for a preposterous dilution of Ebony & Ivory. The song exists as a merchandizing stunt. One thing they can't do is "come together as one". Let's urge one another and call RIHANNA.

MADONNA timbre adorns the mid-pace New Age Swing of Up. BIEBER plays on unfounded memories in this big big world. He's going to show you all of it but inexperience steps on him again. Regardless, more committed than MICHAEL JACKSON in his latest recordings. Let's give in to pretentiousness.

That Should Be Me - a skewed mashup of MICHAEL JACKSON late 1990s babble, XTINA AGUILERA late-1990s faux confessionals and EMINEM late-1990s solipsism - sounds all too much for a late teenager. Indeed - "this is so sad". Production disguises the triteness of this autopilot karaoke. Bad news for the coda. See ya.

File under: Condensed milk

Related reviews:

BACKSTREET BOYS
BEYONCE
BRITNEY SPEARS
JONAS BROTHERS
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
LUDACRIS
MADONNA
MICHAEL JACKSON
MILLI VANILLI
NE-YO

Tracklist:

* * * * Baby
* * Somebody to Love
* * * Stuck in the Moment
* * * 1/2 U Smile
* * * Runaway Love
* * * 1/2 Never Let You Go
* * * 1/2 Overboard
* * 1/2 Eenie Meenie
* * * Up
* * 1/2 That Should Be Me

Recommended: Yes

Great Music to Play While: Cleaning the House