logimom's Full Review: Neutrogena Instant Bronze, Sunless Tanner and Bron...
I am not a fan of the sun. Tanning bores me to tears, makes me hot, and is horrible for the skin. All of my sun-goddess “friends” from high school used to tease my ultimate whiteness unmercifully – until they see me now. While they all look like well-dressed alligators, my skin is young and smooth. Remember that weirdo tan-freak neighbor from “There’s Something About Mary”? There ya go. Tanning salons I’ve not yet tried. Something about a neon coffin just screams claustrophobia, and frankly the idea does not appeal to me. My solution to taking the blinding whiter-than-white glare from my legs? Tan-in-a-Can.
I’m always up for trying different products, especially from trusted brands like Neutrogena. This year, I decided I’d give the Neutrogena Instant Bronze foam a whirl. One word sums up this gunk – Yikes. Thank God I wasn’t stupid enough to slather this crap on my face.
Packaging and Claims
Neutrogena Instant Bronze comes in a 4 ounce orange pump bottle with a bronze cap, pump and label, and the familiar blue and white Neutrogena logo.
Get a healthy-looking glow instantly with Neutrogena Instant Bronze Sunless Tanner and Bronzer in one.
Baloney. . . Bologna. . . Whatever.
Neutrogena claims to provide a streak-free, natural looking tan. I’ve never seen anyone tan in the color this junk turned on me. I look like I smeared Elmer’s glue on myself and rolled in some red Oklahoma clay. I wish we could attach a picture so you could share in my horror and disgust.
Patented foam formula applies easily and evenly. Non-sticky foam absorbs quickly and dries in less than 5 minutes.
Um. . . not quite. Yes, it foams. Mud-colored foam. I’m not sure if it absorbs into anything but your hair follicles. As I was applying this stuff, it was drying as I rubbed it in, which made it gunk up in areas – leaving hideous blotches to contend with. And yes, it is too sticky.
Light, fresh fragrance.
Can we say, “Pew?”
The sheer bronzer provides a hint of temporary, natural looking color immediately upon application and allows you to see where you’ve applied it to help eliminate mistakes for flawless, even coverage.
Bullcorn. There is nothing natural looking about this stuff. You can’t avoid mistakes because it dries too quickly. This stuff streaks worse than any invisible sunless tanning cream I’ve used.
Directions
Shake well and pump foam into hand. One pump for each arm, two pumps for each leg. Use sparingly around the knees, ankles and elbows, as these areas are more prone to the product and will turn a really disgusting color of muck. Apply foam using an even, circular pattern to allow for better coverage. Avoid contact with clothing and wash your hands with soap and water immediately after use.
On that hand-washing thing – better break out a scrub sponge and some alcohol, because Lava soap wouldn’t get this stuff off your palms. Neutrogena states the product begins to develop in 2-4 hours and lasts for days. While it lingers on the palms, it ironically does wash off your legs and arms. Yup, it comes right off, leaving you with only polka-dotted hair follicles. Disgusting and downright odd-looking.
Waiting the recommended one hour before bathing or swimming is a moot point. I don’t think I could bring myself to jump in someone’s nice, sparkly clean pool and turn it brown. That would just be rude. Something tells me it would be very good for the fish at the lake, either. Seriously. . . it all washes off except for the stains in the hair follicles. What a very embarrassing scene that would be in public.
This stuff wouldn’t pass the “sweaty white socks test,” either. Forget even trying. I wouldn’t wear a pair of my husband’s socks with this stuff on. Well, not a pair of good ones, anyway.
Cautions
Well, besides my caution to NOT USE IT, you should know that Neutrogena Instant Bronze contains absolutely NO SUNSCREEN. When using this stuff in the sun, make sure you have extra sunscreen protection along. Also, keep out of the eyes.
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